Wednesday, November 30, 2011

"I think scars are like battle wounds, beautiful, in a way. They show what you’ve been through and how strong you are for coming out of it" - Demi Lovato

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

You can take everything I have
You can break everything am
Like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper

Scared & Fragile

I think that what hurt me the most about my parents fighting was seeing how mean and aggressive they can get. We grow up thinking that our parents are perfect, that they are the best persons in the world, and of course we don't expect them to do what they did to me over the past few days. Maybe it is not a big deal, maybe I am overreacting. But the truth is that I am in shock. I just can't look at them in the eyes after everything they said, not because they fought and they involved me, but because I could see a whole new side of them, not as parents, but as normal persons. And I figured that if my own parents can do what they did to each other and to me, then what am I supposed to expect from the rest of the world? And that scares me, and I feel fragile because every little thing can break me down. I feel like my parents are strangers to me now, which also makes me feel lonely and alone, like I just don't know anything.

Parents are the base of our lives. That base needs to be stable in order for us to grow up healthy and happy because that base is what supports everything. In my family, that base broke long ago, but somehow, we could all bandage some of the damages, and that's how I grew up. But I never said anything, and I always tried to deal with it, along with a lot of things that happened throughout my life. Now that I saw my parents fight like that, I felt like that base broke again, but this time, I didn't have anybody to rely on because my own parents were the enemy, not fate, not hard situations, not other people... but my parents. And I exploded, because I'm also trying to deal with the fact that I'm leaving in less than 2 months, and with all of the doubts and fears that I have about my future. So breaking that base messed everything up. And I have this ball of feelings inside my chest, filled with sadness, hate, pain, disappointment, fears, insecurities, and questions. I wanna scream and run but I can't. It just makes me angry and mad.

I am just scared. And I feel weak as hell.

Monday, November 28, 2011

For The Love Of A Daughter - Demi Lovato

Four years old with my back to the door
All I could hear was the family war
You're selfish hands always expecting more
Am I your child or just a charity ward

You have a hollowed out heart
But it's heavy in your chest
I try so hard to fight it
But it's hopeless
You're hopeless

It's been five years
Since we've spoken last
And you can't take back
What we never had

Oh, I can be manipulated
Only so many times

Before even I love you
Starts to sound like a lie

Don't you remember
I'm your baby girl
How could you push me out of your world
Lie to your flesh and your blood
Put your hands on the ones that you swore you loved

Hiroshima In My Own House

Again with my parents. But today was more about my dad. After my mom sent me that email talking shit about him, he got REALLY upset, and talked to lawyers, to my grandmother, to everybody about how wrong my mom is. Then he came to my room, and started criticizing her. I mean, I have no words to describe how upset I am. I need to scream FUCK YOU BOTH. I need to run away and just forget about it. I tried to just let it go today, but my dad brought it up right before I was going to sleep. Now it's 12:10 pm, my eyes are all red, I wanna kill everybody, and I keep wishing I had another parents. What hurts me the most is not that they are fighting, but how immature and selfish they are being. My dad even said that mom was a bitch and that she was going to pay it with blood. I know he exaggerating and he didn't mean it that way, but the fact that he used that vocabulary just completely left me speechless. Then he also started saying that I should stay here, I shouldn't go, he started asking me questions about it, and blah blah. It was so hard for me to make the decision of going back, that I can't believe he is even making me second guess myself.

I feel lost and alone. I need my brother. I don't feel good at my dad's house, and at the same time I don't even wanna see my mom. But I can't go anywhere else, so I just wanna jump inside a black hole.

I really can't explain how I feel, because this whole thing just brings up many other things. It is just disappointment. Like now my own parents are my enemies. Like I can't even count on them. I don't even know. I don't wanna see them. Both of them disgust me. One of them sending emails, the other one screaming and talking to lawyers... man, I feel like I'm in the middle of Hiroshima and I am a Japanese civilian trying to survive the atomic bomb.

I just cannot understand how they can involve me in this. They just don't care. All they wanna do is defeat the other one. It is like the Cold War, the Soviets vs America, at some point they didn't give a shit about communism any more, all they wanted was to defeat the "enemy". And there is me, in the middle. If they could just forget about their own issues, if they could just forget about who is right for one second and focus on how I feel. My dad said "what am I supposed to do? sit and let her say whatever she want?" No daddy, you are supposed to stand up and fight until you see her bleed. Yeah, and meanwhile, I am there just looking how you hurt my mom and how she hurts you. Is that the answer I was supposed to give him? the funny thing is that they don't realize that the only way to win this battle is to stop fighting. I don't care what my dad says about my mom, and I don't care what my mom says about my dad. They can try to make me hate the other one all they want, but the more they do that, the further away they get from me. To win my respect, they just gotta stop and say "hey, let's do this for our daughter, let's forget about it, come to an arrangement, and promise to never bring things from the past back" and MOVE THE FUCK ON PEOPLE.

You already got divorced. You already moved thousands miles away from each other. You already divided my life in two. You already made me have to choose between both of you. Now do you really wanna do this to me? The problem is that I never complained about one single thing. I always accepted it and understood that they were too young and whatever. You are not young any more kiddos, so start behaving like adults please.

There is not much that I can do from here, because they involve me all the want but when I try to say something they say "just forget about it". But I know that Lucas, my brother, is watching from above. And I hope he helps me somehow. I hope he can make everything ok. I hope he can kick their buts and bring them back to reality and realize how much they are behaving like assholes. Both of them, I don't give a shit about anything else, all I know is that both of them hurt me. And I'm sure I'm gonna move on, but I will never ever forget about what they are doing to me.

See? At the end of the day all you have is yourself. 

Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson



Just a quick recommendation to many girls out there: Use Clinique. It is amazingly good for your skin. I am using the soap for zits, the #3 lotion, and the cream, and in a quick 3-step process that I do around twice or three times a day, my skin looks beautiful. There are some zits that are hard to fight, specially because I am a teenager and I wear make up every day, but my skin is super soft, and it looks so good. I really recommend this, and the good thing is that it is not as expensive as many other brands, and it is still effective. I stopped using it for like 4 or 5 months, and now that I got all of the products again I don't even know how I survived without it. The soap and the lotion clean your face so well, and then the cream makes it super soft after the previous products. So if you are having issues with your skin, which most of teenagers do, I recommend you the 3-step thing from this brand. Don't even waste more money on some other Clinique products because it is not even necessary. Well, maybe the lotion for the eyes is necessary, but by just using the soap, lotion, and cream, your skin will be really good.

We'll Always Have The Wristband

Today something really cute happened with Mason. When I went to California, on May of 2010, I got this "bracelet", which is actually more like a wristband, with the colors of reggae and Bob Marley which are red, greed, and yellow. It was like $1, but I loved it because I got it in Venice Beach, right in front of the ocean and the guy that sold it to me said "I know you'll be back to LA someday", which is my dream. So yeah, the thing meant a lot to me.

In that trip I got most of my friends something, like cheap stuff, but something from LA or Vegas to remember me as a California Soul (what? lol). The thing is that I didn't bring anything to Mason, and when he saw the wristband, he asked me if I could give it to him for a day. After that, he asked me if he could keep it. I said no, bu he insisted and it is impossible to say no to him, he is just... I don't know. But I told him how much it meant to me so I asked him to take care of it.

Anyway, a year and a half went by, he is dating someone and blah blah, and like I said, nothing ever happened with him. And today I decided to go to his Facebook and see some pictures, and I saw an old picture of him wearing it, and I said "ooh I gave that to him. I'm sure he doesn't have it anymore, but let's see." I didn't think he would still have it, but something inside told me he did. When I went to one of his newest pictures, he still had it, and it looks really, really old. I started looking close at all of his pictures, and he was wearing the wristband in every single picture, even if the colors are fading.

You have no idea how much that meant to me. I mean, it is a stupid wristband that you can get wherever you go, and after a year and a half, he is still wearing it. It may not mean anything, but maybe, just maybe... it does. I don't know. It is good to know that, beyond every thought, he kept it and he took care of it.

From Spanish Class

So I'm here in my Spanish class, and I've finished my work and the bell is gonna ring in like 3 minutes, but I just wanted to say that RIGHT NOW, I'm in Spanish class. So if I ever read this blog in the future, I'm gonna remember this normal day in my normal american school. Because someday everything is going to be over.

Well, after last night with my parents, my day was weird. But it is ok. I'm still upset with them. I tried to forget about it while I was in school though. When I went out of the lunch room, someone was behind me, like super close, and when I turned around it was S. I would like to see the face that I put when I noticed it was him. But during math class I completly forgot he was there which is awesome yayy I'm getting over him. And well, there is also a new guy <3 Just kidding, I don't really care about the new guy.

Anyway, I gotta go in 20 seconds. K bye

Sunday, November 27, 2011

1D Dancing

Angels In Waiting - Tammy Cochran

We'd camp out, on the living room floor
in our old sleeping bags, by a make believe fire,
in a tent made of covers, we'd talk for hours
my two brothers and me
keeping the faith, racing with destiny

they were angels in waiting
waiting for wings to fly from this world
away from their pain
treasuring time

til time came to leave, leaving behind
sweet memories
angels in waiting
angels in waiting for wings

we always knew, they'd never grow old
sometimes the body is weaker than the soul

in thier darkest hour
i made a promise
i will always keep
i'd give them life
i'll let them live through me

Candle In The Wind - Elton John

Goodbye Norma Jean
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
And they made you change your name

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind

Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before
Your legend ever did
Loneliness was tough
The toughest role you ever played

Hollywood created a superstar
And pain was the price you paid
Even when you died
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that Marilyn was found in the nude

Congratulations To My Divorced Parents

My parents have been divorced for more than 10 years now, and I never had to experience a real issue between them until today. Doesn't matter why they started arguing, but it does matter how it ended. My mom sent an email to my dad and I stating certain things that I didn't need to know about my dad. After this, my dad replied to my mom and I, about certain things about my mom that I also didn't need to know. I didn't know anything about that until he came upstairs where I was happily talking with my step mom and my sister and he started screaming about my mom, showing me the emails, criticizing her, coursing at her, and blah blah blah. It came out of nowhere, super randomly. I was there, sitting in the chair, reading the emails, without knowing what to do, where to go, or what to say, and meanwhile my dad kept on screaming. I had tears in my eyes because I couldn't believe the level of maturity and sensitivity of my parents for involving me. It is true, my mom started it, but my dad also ended it. Then, the only person with the feet on the ground in this whole situation, my step mom, came and hugged me and she said a few words that completely made me cry because for the first time in my life, someone understood me and said what I needed to hear: "I know it is horrible to have divorced parents, two houses, two families, sisters in different places, being in the middle..." while she was crying. And I felt like at least there is someone who can forget about their own issues and see how this whole situation is impacting ME. The one in the middle. My dad came and asked me why I was crying, that he was sorry, and stuff. But there's something that my dad nor my mom can see: I don't care about their fights, I know they are both guilty and victims in regards to some things. I don't care about the fact that they are divorced; I'd rather have them in different parts of the world without talking to each other, than in the same house doing what they did tonight. I do care a little bit about them involving me in their problems, but at the end of the day, it affects them more than it affects me because I have less respect for them and I start looking at them with different eyes. But what they don't realize is that every time they put me in the middle, they remind me how lonely and alone I am. They remind me that my brother is dead, and that he should be there. They remind me of all of those situations that I had to go through alone, all by myself, like moving with my dad to another country, going back to my mom's, going back and forth, the divorce, the issues, everything. I was always alone because fate was unfair and took my brother away from me, who would be a year younger than me. And today while my dad was screaming, all I needed to do was look at Lucas and feel like he was in the exact same position, he was also in the middle. I needed to know that I was not alone, but I was. It is not their fault that my brother passed away when he was a month old, he always had a disease and he was meant to go. But it hurts me that they don't give a fuck about how I feel about it (excuse my language). They don't realize how I feel, and they obviously could not put their issues aside, and deal with them in a more mature way. They had to punish me. So it is not their fault, their immaturity is their problem. But the real pain comes from knowing that I can't bring my brother back to life. I will always need him, and he will not be here. He just won't.

I wanna scream at them, and tell them to go SCREW themselves. But no, I'm gonna take the other way out. I'm gonna be mature, unlike them. I'm gonna deal with this by blogging and writing about it, and of course, by learning from it. Because I am not going to be an irresponsible knocked up 20 year old woman who ends up getting married with the irresponsible 20 year old guy who didn't know how to use a condom. TWICE (like I said, I had a brother). And I am not going to be a selfish divorced mom who involves her daughter in her issues with her ex husband, and I am not gonna let my ex husband scream about his issues to my daughter. In fact, I am not even going to get divorced. But whatever, they are like 40 years old, I can't tell them what is right and what is wrong, THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE THEIR FREAKIN JOB, NOT MINE. I can't change who they are, or how they handle situations, and in two years I'm gonna be 18 and I'm gonna say "HASTA LA VISTA BABY, go solve your problems far away". But today I am going to be mature. Today I wanna show them how this is supposed to work. Today I'm gonna try to be the one that puts things together, because sadly, if I don't do it, we are all going to end up killing each other.

And of course, I have to say that I will never forget what my step mom did. She was the only person in my entire life who came to me and said exactly how I feel. The only that hugged me and wanted to support me and help me.

And well, this is the story of my life. And the story of many other kids with divorced parents. This is how it is for us. We don't even know what a real family is. In my case, I don't even know what it is like to spend Christmas with both of my parents (and I hope it stays that way because after tonight I seriously wouldn't want them together in one room). But this is a process of learning for us, and I'm sure it is going to help me in the future.

You disappointed me...

The Generation of the 2000's

Today I was thinking what defined the last decade. I don't even know how to call it, and actually nobody does. Is it the Aughties? The Double-Zeroes? The Oh-Ohs? The 2K’s? The Zeds? I have no idea. But I realized that according to the age, everybody has a different opinion on what really had an impact on the world during the last 10 years. But at the end of the day, this was OUR GENERATION. The people that are between 15 and 30 years old are the ones that were defined by that decade. I don't care what 40 or 50 year old prehistoric humans say, they grew up in the 70's, 80's 90's. But the beginning of the century was ours. And the next decade is also ours, and we are the only ones that were shaped according to the evens, the music, the movies, the celebrities, the books, etc. So I googled "What Defined the 2000's?" And all I got were useless things that only old people care about. So I decided to create my own list of what had an impact for us, the generation that cannot watch a movie unless it's HD, bluray, and surround sound. The generation that grew up in the middle of the new technological innovations, but that still knows what is it like to play in the backyard with your friends, instead of playing tea party on an iPad. So if my dad reads the list I'm gonna make about last decade, he is probably gonna laugh his ass off. But I'm sure that many people of my age are going to agree. I don't necesarily like all of these things, but I admit they had a big impact on society, and they were classics of out childhood and teenage years.

1 - Movies

2- Music

3- TV

4 - Celebrities

5 - Books

6 - Events

7 - Technology

8 - Communications

No Strings Attached (For the first few months)

Last night I watched "No Strings Attached". I was not very exciting about watching it, because for some reason, this year there were like 4 movies about having a sex buddy and trying not to fall in love with him or her, and then of course, falling in love with him or her, and complicating everything, and then getting married and living happily ever after. So predictable. But I had nothing better to do, so I watched it and I ended up loving it.

 First of all, Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher make a great couple.

Second, I love the fact that they kept seeing each other without really trying, how fate kept bringing them together. First when they were kids, then at a party when they were in college, then in downtown LA at a random market, and then when he needed someone. Even though it is just a movie, it gives me hope that whatever is meant to be, will work out perfectly. 

Third, I love it how it all starts. They are just having fun, being friends, with no expectations at all. She is there to defend him, and he is there to just be with her.

Fourth, at the beginning they manage to have an amazing relationship: they are not dating, but they are there for each other, and they are just friends.

Fifth, even if they are not dating, he is the most amazing guy ever. I mean, when she has her period, he is there for her, even if he knows they are not going to have sex or anything, and he makes her soup and a period playlist. That's a MAN dude. That's what I call the perfect boyfriend.

Sixth, everything is so natural. They don't give a damn about looking good with each other and stuff. They say whatever they wanna say. They do whatever they wanna do.

Seventh, the viewer can relate to their characters and their emotions. I felt completely connected with both of them. I understood why she didn't want anything serious because I am like her; the kind of person who doesn't like romantic stuff and who is not good at communications. I also understood why he wanted to make a step forward, because he really liked her. And then I could feel the pain when she told him she missed him and he didn't say anything, and when she saw him with someone else. Believe me, I've been in that position, crying listening to Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis and eating like a pig, feeling like the world sucks without the guy I like.

And last but not least, at the end, after all they have been through, they know each other and they know they love each other because they cannot be without each other. EACH OTHER is all they need. And that's how it supposed to be. People usually make it all corny and cheesy at the beginning, and that can overwhelm the other person. You gotta go step by step. I love it how romantic it gets AT THE END, because after feeling his pain when she dumped him, and her pain when she saw him with someone else, the viewer can really feel the love between them, and that they are just meant for each other.

So yeah, this movie made me realize of what I'm looking for in a relationship and in guys. I mean, it showed me what I really want, and it helped me explain it and put it into words. Those 8 things represent the perfect relationship for me. Which is why I hate it when a stranger randomly tells me "You are hot, I wanna get to know you". Ok, WHOW. Wanna get to know me?! What the hell, say Hi to me first and then we'll see if I wanna get to know YOU. And that's something that happened to me with 3 guys in only one month. For some reason, I'm starting to take it not as an insult, but as some kind of disrespectful gesture from a guy. They think that a girl loves it when they tell her that she is pretty. But what about saying "Hi" first? We are in 2011, you don't have to tell a stranger that she is pretty, you can just like a few of her profile pictures and she'll get your point. I don't need a guy who thinks I'm hot, I just need a friendly guy who wants to talk to me because I look like a nice person. I feel like every time a guy starts a conversation by telling me I'm hot, they just care about how I look. And besides, I hate those kind of relationship. I hate it when it is obvious that the guy likes you. It is so predictable, and that's what I hate the most. Ashton Kutcher's character never tols Natalie Portman that she is hot, IT JUST HAPPENED NATURALLY.

So yeah, I'm gonna stick to this movie, and wait until a boy like that one comes to my life.