Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Waterfall of Feelings

So this is it. I have the ticket to go back to Argentina on January 25th. It feels like a waterfall. Like thousands of emotions are coming out of nowhere. But there is no turning back, now the decision is made, and I gotta deal with it, because I made it, and I know that even though I never understood why I made it, there's a reason for it. I know that God or destiny or whatever decided to put that thought in my head, to make that decision, and to see what happens next. But what people don't understand is that just because we had the freedom of choosing, doesn't mean that it is going to be easy to pick one option and move on. Sometimes, having our own future in our hands, is way harder than letting someone else decide for you.

People can't understand how it feels either. My friends tell me that I'm being dramatic, and I am not going to talk about this with my family because they are going to think I'm just being bipolar. I always bothered everybody saying that I wanted to live in the States, and when I finally came here, I also bothered everyone saying that I was missing Argentina and that I wanted to go back. But there's something that I want to make clear: just because I'm sad about it, just because I don't see Argentina as I used to see it when I came here, does not mean that I am hesitating, or that I'm thinking about staying. No. I made my decision, and I'm going to stick to it, like I said thousands of times. But obviously any of my friends had to make a decision like this one in their lives, in fact, they have no idea what this whole experience is about, so how can I expect them to understand how I feel? I can't tell them that when you have to pick between two things that you love, just because you chose only one, doesn't mean that you are not going to miss the other one, or that you love the other one a little bit less. No. It just means that you had to be strong enough to let the other option go, and that it hurts like an open-heart surgery without anesthesia.

I'm going to back, and it is going to feel like nothing happened; like it was just a dream. And I'm going to feel as lonely as I felt when I came here, when I didn't know anybody and when I had no friends. I am not saying their lives are not interesting or whatever, but they did what every single teenager does in Argentina. Yeah, they had fun experiences with each other, but that's nowhere near compared to living almost on your own in a complete different country, with a different culture, different language, different people... And I feel like I'm going to go back and everything is going to feel empty, because the adventure is going to be over. An adventure that I am not even going to be able to describe. And I'm scared that as time goes by, this experience will start to fade away, and feel more distant in the past. And who am I going to talk to?

I became a different person in a whole new environment. Now I have to go back and face my past, the people, the places, the moments, the memories... everything that I left behind. The thing is, I am different. I am not the 15-year-old girl who had no idea about the world or about real life. I grew up in different conditions, and while everything in my life was exciting for a year and a half, on January 25th, everything is going back to normal. Everything is going to be the same. The same teachers. The same places to hang out. The same stories to tell. And the same people, because yeah, they grew up in this past year too, but like I said, in a different environment. It is impossible to compare what I went through with what my friends went through in Argentina. I was trying to talk to one of my best friends today and she was stressed out about finals (in Argentina is the end of the year), so she didn't wanna talk and said that she had enough with I don't know which subject. Yes. My friends' biggest problems are studying for a final. I wish my life was that simple too. I'm starting to think how I'm going to do to say goodbye to my sisters, to my dad, to my step-mom, to my school, to my friends, to my house, to my routine, to my teachers... and they are worried because of one exam. And that's what scares me the most: going back and feeling like I wanna punch everybody in the face because of how dramatic they can be over small stuff. But again, I can't expect them to understand. Just like I am not going to understand some other issues that they had to go through while I was here (which in fact, as far as I know, are pretty simple issues too, lucky them). So in conclusion, the problem with this whole amazing experience of going to another country for a year, is that it kinda separated me from other people. Because now I'm obviously not just Argentinian, now I can feel my American blood going through my veins (my dad is American), which I never could. Now I am not going to be the person my friends used to love, and I am also going to see them in a different perspective. Just like it is gonna happen with everything, not just the people.

I know real friendship goes through it all. I know that no matter how hard it can get, we always survive. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that whatever is meant to be will work out perfectly. I know that nothing lasts forever, so eventually I was going to have to say goodbye to America, just like I said to Argentina once. I know that when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. And I also know that nobody can't take your experiences and memories away from you, and as long as your hold them tight, not even time; in Argentinian words would be "Nadie te quita lo bailado". So by knowing all of these things, the final thing I know is that I'm going to be just fine. It is hard to see the positive side, and when you are really sad, you don't even wanna see it because you need to take all of the pain away from you, and sometimes the only thing that the positive side does is hide the pain away, making it bigger and bigger. So even though I know there's a possitive side, maybe all I need is to let my doubts and fears go.

But there's something that I promised myself before I made my decision about staying or going back. When I came to the States, I was weak. I admit it. I was the weakest person ever, and it took me a while to put some strength together. After that, I knew I was going to have to go through the same thing again, because no matter what I chose, it was gonna be hard to give the other option up. So I said: "Next time I'll be braver. I'll be my own savior" (Adele). And I promised to myself I was not going to cry myself to sleep every night, wondering what could have happened if I picked the other choice. I promised that I was going to deal with it, and be mature, and understand that just because I cannot connect the dots right now, doesn't mean that I wont be able to do it in the future. I promised I was gonna learn from this, and remember this for the rest of my life. And that's what I will do. So I'll cry for a few minutes whenever I need to, because it is ok to fall sometimes, but I'll get back up again, and be a skyscraper like Demi Lovato, and cope with it. Enjoy every minute of these two months that I have left, and no matter how much it hurts to go back, say Hello to Argentina with my heart open. Because I can waste time complaining and being worried about everything, but the truth is that we only live once, and we don't know when this beautiful life is going to end, so why bother crying and being sad? As long as we BELIEVE, and have faith, everything is going to be alright.

At the end of the day you gotta ask yourself "Was it worth it?", and I'm sure that you are going to say "HELL YEAH", even if you cried for months, even if it was the strongest pain ever, because behind every single wound, there's a good story to tell. You get your heart broken after loving with all your soul. You break your leg after giving everything in you for a soccer game. You lose your voice after screaming for hours during a concert. You spend hours studying  for the pleasure of getting a good grade. And that's what life is about, as far as I'm concern. Every good thing brings a bad thing, just like every bad thing also brings a good thing.

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