You can take everything I have

You can break everything am

Like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper

Scared & Fragile

I think that what hurt me the most about my parents fighting was seeing how mean and aggressive they can get. We grow up thinking that our parents are perfect, that they are the best persons in the world, and of course we don't expect them to do what they did to me over the past few days. Maybe it is not a big deal, maybe I am overreacting. But the truth is that I am in shock. I just can't look at them in the eyes after everything they said, not because they fought and they involved me, but because I could see a whole new side of them, not as parents, but as normal persons. And I figured that if my own parents can do what they did to each other and to me, then what am I supposed to expect from the rest of the world? And that scares me, and I feel fragile because every little thing can break me down. I feel like my parents are strangers to me now, which also makes me feel lonely and alone, like I just don't know anything.

Parents are the base of our lives. That base needs to be stable in order for us to grow up healthy and happy because that base is what supports everything. In my family, that base broke long ago, but somehow, we could all bandage some of the damages, and that's how I grew up. But I never said anything, and I always tried to deal with it, along with a lot of things that happened throughout my life. Now that I saw my parents fight like that, I felt like that base broke again, but this time, I didn't have anybody to rely on because my own parents were the enemy, not fate, not hard situations, not other people... but my parents. And I exploded, because I'm also trying to deal with the fact that I'm leaving in less than 2 months, and with all of the doubts and fears that I have about my future. So breaking that base messed everything up. And I have this ball of feelings inside my chest, filled with sadness, hate, pain, disappointment, fears, insecurities, and questions. I wanna scream and run but I can't. It just makes me angry and mad.

I am just scared. And I feel weak as hell.

For The Love Of A Daughter - Demi Lovato

Four years old with my back to the door
All I could hear was the family war
You're selfish hands always expecting more
Am I your child or just a charity ward

You have a hollowed out heart
But it's heavy in your chest
I try so hard to fight it
But it's hopeless
Hopeless
You're hopeless

It's been five years
Since we've spoken last
And you can't take back
What we never had

Oh, I can be manipulated
Only so many times
Before even I love you
Starts to sound like a lie

Don't you remember
I'm your baby girl
How could you push me out of your world
Lie to your flesh and your blood
Put your hands on the ones that you swore you loved

Hiroshima In My Own House

Again with my parents. But today was more about my dad. After my mom sent me that email talking shit about him, he got REALLY upset, and talked to lawyers, to my grandmother, to everybody about how wrong my mom is. Then he came to my room, and started criticizing her. I mean, I have no words to describe how upset I am. I need to scream FUCK YOU BOTH. I need to run away and just forget about it. I tried to just let it go today, but my dad brought it up right before I was going to sleep. Now it's 12:10 pm, my eyes are all red, I wanna kill everybody, and I keep wishing I had another parents. What hurts me the most is not that they are fighting, but how immature and selfish they are being. My dad even said that mom was a bitch and that she was going to pay it with blood. I know he exaggerating and he didn't mean it that way, but the fact that he used that vocabulary just completely left me speechless. Then he also started saying that I should stay here, I shouldn't go, he started asking me questions about it, and blah blah. It was so hard for me to make the decision of going back, that I can't believe he is even making me second guess myself.

I feel lost and alone. I need my brother. I don't feel good at my dad's house, and at the same time I don't even wanna see my mom. But I can't go anywhere else, so I just wanna jump inside a black hole.

I really can't explain how I feel, because this whole thing just brings up many other things. It is just disappointment. Like now my own parents are my enemies. Like I can't even count on them. I don't even know. I don't wanna see them. Both of them disgust me. One of them sending emails, the other one screaming and talking to lawyers... man, I feel like I'm in the middle of Hiroshima and I am a Japanese civilian trying to survive the atomic bomb.

I just cannot understand how they can involve me in this. They just don't care. All they wanna do is defeat the other one. It is like the Cold War, the Soviets vs America, at some point they didn't give a shit about communism any more, all they wanted was to defeat the "enemy". And there is me, in the middle. If they could just forget about their own issues, if they could just forget about who is right for one second and focus on how I feel. My dad said "what am I supposed to do? sit and let her say whatever she want?" No daddy, you are supposed to stand up and fight until you see her bleed. Yeah, and meanwhile, I am there just looking how you hurt my mom and how she hurts you. Is that the answer I was supposed to give him? the funny thing is that they don't realize that the only way to win this battle is to stop fighting. I don't care what my dad says about my mom, and I don't care what my mom says about my dad. They can try to make me hate the other one all they want, but the more they do that, the further away they get from me. To win my respect, they just gotta stop and say "hey, let's do this for our daughter, let's forget about it, come to an arrangement, and promise to never bring things from the past back" and MOVE THE FUCK ON PEOPLE.

You already got divorced. You already moved thousands miles away from each other. You already divided my life in two. You already made me have to choose between both of you. Now do you really wanna do this to me? The problem is that I never complained about one single thing. I always accepted it and understood that they were too young and whatever. You are not young any more kiddos, so start behaving like adults please.

There is not much that I can do from here, because they involve me all the want but when I try to say something they say "just forget about it". But I know that Lucas, my brother, is watching from above. And I hope he helps me somehow. I hope he can make everything ok. I hope he can kick their buts and bring them back to reality and realize how much they are behaving like assholes. Both of them, I don't give a shit about anything else, all I know is that both of them hurt me. And I'm sure I'm gonna move on, but I will never ever forget about what they are doing to me.

See? At the end of the day all you have is yourself. 

Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson

Congratulations To My Divorced Parents

My parents have been divorced for more than 10 years now, and I never had to experience a real issue between them until today. Doesn't matter why they started arguing, but it does matter how it ended. My mom sent an email to my dad and I stating certain things that I didn't need to know about my dad. After this, my dad replied to my mom and I, about certain things about my mom that I also didn't need to know. I didn't know anything about that until he came upstairs where I was happily talking with my step mom and my sister and he started screaming about my mom, showing me the emails, criticizing her, coursing at her, and blah blah blah. It came out of nowhere, super randomly. I was there, sitting in the chair, reading the emails, without knowing what to do, where to go, or what to say, and meanwhile my dad kept on screaming. I had tears in my eyes because I couldn't believe the level of maturity and sensitivity of my parents for involving me. It is true, my mom started it, but my dad also ended it. Then, the only person with the feet on the ground in this whole situation, my step mom, came and hugged me and she said a few words that completely made me cry because for the first time in my life, someone understood me and said what I needed to hear: "I know it is horrible to have divorced parents, two houses, two families, sisters in different places, being in the middle..." while she was crying. And I felt like at least there is someone who can forget about their own issues and see how this whole situation is impacting ME. The one in the middle. My dad came and asked me why I was crying, that he was sorry, and stuff. But there's something that my dad nor my mom can see: I don't care about their fights, I know they are both guilty and victims in regards to some things. I don't care about the fact that they are divorced; I'd rather have them in different parts of the world without talking to each other, than in the same house doing what they did tonight. I do care a little bit about them involving me in their problems, but at the end of the day, it affects them more than it affects me because I have less respect for them and I start looking at them with different eyes. But what they don't realize is that every time they put me in the middle, they remind me how lonely and alone I am. They remind me that my brother is dead, and that he should be there. They remind me of all of those situations that I had to go through alone, all by myself, like moving with my dad to another country, going back to my mom's, going back and forth, the divorce, the issues, everything. I was always alone because fate was unfair and took my brother away from me, who would be a year younger than me. And today while my dad was screaming, all I needed to do was look at Lucas and feel like he was in the exact same position, he was also in the middle. I needed to know that I was not alone, but I was. It is not their fault that my brother passed away when he was a month old, he always had a disease and he was meant to go. But it hurts me that they don't give a fuck about how I feel about it (excuse my language). They don't realize how I feel, and they obviously could not put their issues aside, and deal with them in a more mature way. They had to punish me. So it is not their fault, their immaturity is their problem. But the real pain comes from knowing that I can't bring my brother back to life. I will always need him, and he will not be here. He just won't.

I wanna scream at them, and tell them to go SCREW themselves. But no, I'm gonna take the other way out. I'm gonna be mature, unlike them. I'm gonna deal with this by blogging and writing about it, and of course, by learning from it. Because I am not going to be an irresponsible knocked up 20 year old woman who ends up getting married with the irresponsible 20 year old guy who didn't know how to use a condom. TWICE (like I said, I had a brother). And I am not going to be a selfish divorced mom who involves her daughter in her issues with her ex husband, and I am not gonna let my ex husband scream about his issues to my daughter. In fact, I am not even going to get divorced. But whatever, they are like 40 years old, I can't tell them what is right and what is wrong, THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE THEIR FREAKIN JOB, NOT MINE. I can't change who they are, or how they handle situations, and in two years I'm gonna be 18 and I'm gonna say "HASTA LA VISTA BABY, go solve your problems far away". But today I am going to be mature. Today I wanna show them how this is supposed to work. Today I'm gonna try to be the one that puts things together, because sadly, if I don't do it, we are all going to end up killing each other.

And of course, I have to say that I will never forget what my step mom did. She was the only person in my entire life who came to me and said exactly how I feel. The only that hugged me and wanted to support me and help me.

And well, this is the story of my life. And the story of many other kids with divorced parents. This is how it is for us. We don't even know what a real family is. In my case, I don't even know what it is like to spend Christmas with both of my parents (and I hope it stays that way because after tonight I seriously wouldn't want them together in one room). But this is a process of learning for us, and I'm sure it is going to help me in the future.

You disappointed me...

A Home Divided In Two

My parents got divorced when I was around 2 or 3, I don't even know. All I know is that it was long ago, and I don't even remember how it happened. I never really cared, I tried to take advantages of it. But as I grew older I started to understand what everything really meant. Today I feel like I don't have parents; I have a mom in one side, and a dad in the other side. And the gap between both of them, both families, both houses, both lives, are around 10.000 km away from each other (literally).

Even though I don't care about the fact that they are not together, I do care about the fact that my life is divided in two. I can't have them all together. I can't have my sisters in the same city, which means that when I'm with two of them, I cannot see the other two. It also means that when I'm with my dad, I go to one school, I speak English, I have different friends, a different lifestyle, and a completely different culture than when I am with my mom, in Argentina, where I speak Spanish, I go to another school, I hang out with different people, and I do different things.

Just like I grew up without noticing all of these things, my parents grew old without noticing them either. 

Today I'm 16, I live with my dad, and in two months or a little bit more I'm moving back with my mom. My whole life is gonna change (once again). But those things are not the ones that hurt the most about having divorced parents. I know change, I can handle it.

What hurts the most is when they make me feel like instead of having two homes, I don't even have one. When I moved with my dad, my mom transformed my room into an office. And when I'm at my dad's, I sleep in the guest room, even though he likes to call it my room, which is not really my room. Why? Because when another guest is visiting, I gotta sleep in another mattress in the floor, with my sister, or in the couch. I have no option. Why? Because that is technically not my room. Why? Because this is my dad's house, and I don't live here permanently. Why? Because I live with my mom. Why? Because they are divorced. In conclusion, I don't have a bedroom. It sounds stupid, but it is not, because just like I don't have a bedroom, I don't also have a home, is like wherever I go, I always step into their new families.

Tonight my aunt in law (my step mom's sister) came to visit for the weekend (for the third time of the year) and once again, I ended up sleeping in the freakin floor. I clearly showed my disagreement towards me giving up my bed, and I know I looked immature and selfish, but at this point, I just want respect. Do you think my two year old sister could sleep somewhere else? No, please, how can she go to another bed?! But me, of course I can. My room is the guest room, so I definitely gotta go somewhere else. There is no place that I can call mine.

And yeah, that's how it works for us. We have a broken family, and home divided in two where we don't even belong anymore.

Understand

It was a weird day.

It all started last night. My dad hates it when I stay until 3 am with the computer chatting with my friends on the weekends. I have no idea why, because he does the same thing, but he hates it. He always tries to catch me with the computer, but he always fails lol. Anyway, so last night, it was like 3, I was awake, but I was not with the computer. In fact, I was dancing by myself and rapping Super Bass by Nicki Minaj (I know, I'm weird). He came into the room and found the computer on my bed and I was dancing, but of course I could not explain him the situation because it was hard to believe that I was actually dancing and rapping in the darkness at 3 am.

Today I woke up and he was extremely upset by the fact that I was with the computer that late, and when I tried to explain him that I was not with the computer, that I was actually dancing, he got even more upset because he thought I was lying. He asked me like 3 times, and I told him the truth, but he kept on thinking that I was lying. At the end I ended up saying that I was with the computer because he was like "how can you lie to myself?!?! Blah blah", so he pushed me to lie, which is ironic, because he was angry at me because I was lying, when the truth is that he made me lie, but whatever. (I actually prefer him to think that I was with the computer instead of knowing that I usually dance by myself in the darkness at 3 am, I mean, only weirdos like me do that)

The point is that he was really upset and started screaming at me saying that I was a liar and this and that and blah blah blah. It makes me sad and upset that both of my parents judge me all the time. They complain at my actions forgetting that I'm freakin 16 years old. I have a lot of reasons to judge them and complain about their actions: they were 21 when they had me, they got divorced 3 years later, and then my dad moved to the other side of the world. I know they love me, I know they always did their  best, and that it was really hard. But I spent father's day without a father for 15 years and I never complained, I never said anything. I don't know what it is like to spend Christmas with both of my parents because they got divorced when I was really young, and I never fucking complained about it. I tried to understand my whole life that things were meant to be like that. I tried to be mature and understand why they did what they did. I never judged them. But all they seem to do is just tell me how messed up I am. But HELLO, what the fuck do you expect? I grew up with no siblings, my mom was a doctor who had to sleep in the hospital like twice a week, my dad was in the other side of the hemisphere... I mean, I did not have a normal childhood like my sisters have, and I'm not upset, I'm not angry at them. I UNDERSTAND as long as they understand me. They always say that I'm not very affectionate, but that's they way I grew up. I was alone, I had to be independent. I mean, I know that I make mistakes, I know that I'm not the perfect child, but sometimes I feel like if they could have gave me a different life then I wouldn't be like that. I try not to judge them. My dad never told his wife about my little brother who passed away, and do I judge him? Do I tell him he is a liar? Do I tell him he is not respectable for doing that? No, like I said, I try to understand my parents all the time. I shut my mouth and keep going, without telling them everything I wish they wouldn't have done. They are not perfect parents either, I love them, but I was first child, they were 21, they did not know how to raise a kid, I mean, they obviously didn't even know how to use condoms. But I try to believe that they did the best they could, and I'm beyond grateful for that. Even though they were not together, even though I grew up without a father, even though my dad never called me once a week like he was supposed to, even though they couldn't help me with homework sometimes, I love them and I don't judge them. But the moment where they pretend to be extremely upset with over a fucking stupid thing, I can't help it to remember everything that I would like to blame them for, but I just don't do it. Sometimes I feel like in some things I'm even a little bit more mature than my parents. I know I make mistakes, I know I mess everything up sometimes, but I'm a teenager, they forget that.

My mom actually doesn't have anything to do with this. She was the one that raised me and she's like my hero because I admire everything she did. On the other hand, I know everything my dad did was also for me, and I admire that too. But I feel like sometimes they have no rights to blame me so much for some stuff, specially my dad. I used to see him only once or twice a year. But again, I understand the circumstances. It was not his fault. But like he said the other day, "life is about the choices you make", and he made the choice that didn't really make my life better. Not just because I grew up without him, but because now I'm gonna be far away from my sisters when I go back. He came here trying to get married again, have kids, and have a family, so he could start all over. Too bad that whole thing didn't really include me until I moved here. I know he couldn't bring me here because I obviously had to live with my mom, which is what I wanted, but he never thought about all of the things that I was not gonna have in my life without him. Even now that I'm living here, our relationship is not the kind of relationship that a father and daughter should have. But let me repeat it one more time: I get it, I understand why things are like that, and I don't blame him or anybody else.

All I'm saying is... just don't tell me I hurt you by saying I was not in the computer last night, when you actions hurt me even more throughout my life, and I still don't blame you.