Thursday, November 10, 2011
Sometimes I feel empty; like nothing makes sense, nothing makes me happy, nothing motivates me anymore. I feel like I am walking the wrong way, and heading in the wrong direction. Like I am not where I am supposed to be, and it is my fault. Like this happened the way it was not supposed to happened, and I could not deal with it. I am what I always feared I was going to become. I though I could be stronger and wiser and braver, but I am not; I am just weak, like almost everybody else. I became what they said I was going to become. I fell and I could not stand up. I failed and I did not know how to fix the mistake.
I am lost and confused, and I don't know what to choose. I feel like I got caught up in my fantasies and dreams, without realizing that reality was right in front of me. I feel like I am nothing. I feel like I'm not worth it. Life gave me what I always wanted, and I could not find happiness in it, because that's who I am: I seek happiness in other places, instead of in what I have. I can never get enough. I don't even know what I want. I dreamed too much, and I did not make any of those dreams happen. And now, like a coward and lost girl, I am going back, even if it is not really what I want. Because the main problem is that I don't know what I want anymore, where I wanna be, what I wanna do, or who I want to become. I got lost, and I don't know how to get back in track. I feel like I am never going to make it, like I am going to fail because I am not special or important.
I cannot find happiness. I don't want to live in New Jersey, but at the same time I don't want to leave. I don't want to go back to Argentina, but at the same time I want to get my old life back. I just don't know what I'm doing. I can't find reasons, I can't find something to fill me with joy. I went to Manhattan today, thinking I was going to remember what dreaming feels like, and I did not feel anything. I felt even worse, because I realized that things are not going the way I wanted them to happen, and that I am never going to make it there. Life is just hard. And I feel empty. Like I have nothing, I know nothing, just... NOTHING. That's I feel.
I want something different from what I have. I look at planes in the sky, wondering where that plane is going, thinking that maybe is going to the place where I will find what I'm looking for, even if I don't know what that is. And that's my biggest issue: I'm wasting time in this search, without even knowing what I am looking for. My life is based upon invisible things: I am in love with a guy I don't even know, I want to go to a place I've never been, I want to be something I am not, I want to do the things I can't, and I dream with things I don't even understand. So how can I be happy? How can I be happy with just fantasies and dreams and wishes? For years I've been living inside a world made of broken promises, wishes that were never made, dreams that never came true, people that never knew me, lies that were never true, stories that were never told, places that were far away, and broken hearts.
And now I'm here, LOST. Trying to figure out what the hell I am supposed to do in this life. Trying to find my place in the world, because so far, I feel like a tourist, like an Alien from another planet. Trying to understand why I am here, why I met the people I met, why I fell in love with the guys I fell in love with, why I dreamed with the things I dreamed... why. I am trying to find the reasons why my life is what it is. I need to understand what I came here to do. Why certain things happened the way they happened. Why I am here, writing this, breathing, alive. How did I get to be so lonely, and so confused. And why am I so unhappy if I have everything.
I need something else. And when I realize that there is something empty in my life, I try millions of things to fill that space with something: clothing, shoes, songs on iTunes, posts on this blog, more friends, pictures, etc etc. But that emptiness is still there, it just doesn't leave.