Forget Him, Remember Me

Yes, time to admit it. What am I waiting for? He is a jerk, and he is not gonna change. Not now. I mean, if a guy didn't show interest in you the first few days, then it means he is never gonna be interested, specially if he made out with someone else when he had the chance to do it with you, or when he is online but doesn't even say hi. Then yes, he is a jerk. But I'm a girl, and I was taught with Disney movies that guys can prince charming, therefore I believe that every single one of them is a good guy, when the truth is, prince charming is one in a million. But I still have faith, so I hope, and I expect too much from these kids. Very innocent, actually. I think I should start paying attention to the signs life is giving me, showing that I should just lose faith in guys. And that's what's happening, I'm losing faith with every single broken heart, with every single jerk.

98% of it it's my fault, let's face it. I made out with him twice and then I thought he was gonna fall in love with me just because he gave me one of the most amazing kisses ever. That's stupid. He used me, I'm older so he thought he was gonna fool around with me and fuck with my feelings and emotions. And as far as I wanna kiss him again and give him another chance, deep inside I know that I gotta let him got before this is all too much. But it is not really about forgetting about him. It is more about remembering myself. Because I gotta love me more than any other guy will ever do. And he can grab my hand and kiss me and look at me with those beautiful eyes, but I have to be strong, and I have to say no.

Yesterday he didn't even say hi to me in school, how weird (sarcastic). That made me sad, after what happened on Friday night I just thought he was gonna have a little bit of respect for myself and come and say hi. But he didn't. It was frustrating and that pretty much ruined my day (and some other things too). When I came back home, my friend Nick gave me the most amazing piece of advice ever, and that was exactly what I needed to wake up from that dream where I thought Robert was a good guy. He told me that the guy is just a jerk, he's always been that way, and that I can never lose myself or stop loving myself for a guy like him. That I need to be a little bit harder on him, and make him fight for me and see if he is really willing to do it. Then I said that my biggest fear was that if I stopped being easy with him, then he would just leave, because no matter what an ass-whole he is, I don't want our last kiss to be out last. I still want more intense kisses. I don't wanna give them up. But my friend told me that I was being stupid, because if he wouldn't fight for me a little bit, then he is not worth my time, my tears, or my kisses.

And then I talked to Robert's friend, who is also my friend, and I was telling him that I decided to start having more dignity and only hook up with boys who show to be interested in me and who are willing to fight for it, and he said "oh, so let's dismiss Robert then", meaning that he is not that kind of guy, or that he is only interested in hooking up, nothing else. You have no idea how much that hurt. But at least now I know his friend is gonna tell him what I told him, and if he really wants me, he is gonna do something about it, which is what I hope, but do not expect at all. I'm sure he gonna be like "whatever" and he is gonna go find some other girl.

But you know, that's fine. I mean, it's not fine, but everything happens for a reason. It is sort of frustrating, but I gotta love myself first before I love anybody else. And if he is not respecting me, it is my fault, because I allowed him to do that. I didn't respect myself and therefore he was gonna do the same thing. But... I know he liked it. I know that it was a waaaaaaaaay better kiss that the one he had with the other girl. I mean, he is probably not gonna admit it, but I know he is gonna miss me on Friday nights. Like, seriously? 40 minutes making out without stopping. You have no idea how passionate was that. It was amazing.

I don't know what's gonna happen in the future anyway, but at least I committed myself to make him respect me and at least pretend to like me a little bit.

GIRLS SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE PRINCESSES. DON'T EVER LET A GUY DO WHATEVER HE WANTS WITH YOU.

And what do I want? I want him to need me.

PS: This post was half written when I was super sad and upset, and the other half when I realized I was being dramatic and that "it's me before dicks". you know what I mean?

Congratulations To My Divorced Parents

My parents have been divorced for more than 10 years now, and I never had to experience a real issue between them until today. Doesn't matter why they started arguing, but it does matter how it ended. My mom sent an email to my dad and I stating certain things that I didn't need to know about my dad. After this, my dad replied to my mom and I, about certain things about my mom that I also didn't need to know. I didn't know anything about that until he came upstairs where I was happily talking with my step mom and my sister and he started screaming about my mom, showing me the emails, criticizing her, coursing at her, and blah blah blah. It came out of nowhere, super randomly. I was there, sitting in the chair, reading the emails, without knowing what to do, where to go, or what to say, and meanwhile my dad kept on screaming. I had tears in my eyes because I couldn't believe the level of maturity and sensitivity of my parents for involving me. It is true, my mom started it, but my dad also ended it. Then, the only person with the feet on the ground in this whole situation, my step mom, came and hugged me and she said a few words that completely made me cry because for the first time in my life, someone understood me and said what I needed to hear: "I know it is horrible to have divorced parents, two houses, two families, sisters in different places, being in the middle..." while she was crying. And I felt like at least there is someone who can forget about their own issues and see how this whole situation is impacting ME. The one in the middle. My dad came and asked me why I was crying, that he was sorry, and stuff. But there's something that my dad nor my mom can see: I don't care about their fights, I know they are both guilty and victims in regards to some things. I don't care about the fact that they are divorced; I'd rather have them in different parts of the world without talking to each other, than in the same house doing what they did tonight. I do care a little bit about them involving me in their problems, but at the end of the day, it affects them more than it affects me because I have less respect for them and I start looking at them with different eyes. But what they don't realize is that every time they put me in the middle, they remind me how lonely and alone I am. They remind me that my brother is dead, and that he should be there. They remind me of all of those situations that I had to go through alone, all by myself, like moving with my dad to another country, going back to my mom's, going back and forth, the divorce, the issues, everything. I was always alone because fate was unfair and took my brother away from me, who would be a year younger than me. And today while my dad was screaming, all I needed to do was look at Lucas and feel like he was in the exact same position, he was also in the middle. I needed to know that I was not alone, but I was. It is not their fault that my brother passed away when he was a month old, he always had a disease and he was meant to go. But it hurts me that they don't give a fuck about how I feel about it (excuse my language). They don't realize how I feel, and they obviously could not put their issues aside, and deal with them in a more mature way. They had to punish me. So it is not their fault, their immaturity is their problem. But the real pain comes from knowing that I can't bring my brother back to life. I will always need him, and he will not be here. He just won't.

I wanna scream at them, and tell them to go SCREW themselves. But no, I'm gonna take the other way out. I'm gonna be mature, unlike them. I'm gonna deal with this by blogging and writing about it, and of course, by learning from it. Because I am not going to be an irresponsible knocked up 20 year old woman who ends up getting married with the irresponsible 20 year old guy who didn't know how to use a condom. TWICE (like I said, I had a brother). And I am not going to be a selfish divorced mom who involves her daughter in her issues with her ex husband, and I am not gonna let my ex husband scream about his issues to my daughter. In fact, I am not even going to get divorced. But whatever, they are like 40 years old, I can't tell them what is right and what is wrong, THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE THEIR FREAKIN JOB, NOT MINE. I can't change who they are, or how they handle situations, and in two years I'm gonna be 18 and I'm gonna say "HASTA LA VISTA BABY, go solve your problems far away". But today I am going to be mature. Today I wanna show them how this is supposed to work. Today I'm gonna try to be the one that puts things together, because sadly, if I don't do it, we are all going to end up killing each other.

And of course, I have to say that I will never forget what my step mom did. She was the only person in my entire life who came to me and said exactly how I feel. The only that hugged me and wanted to support me and help me.

And well, this is the story of my life. And the story of many other kids with divorced parents. This is how it is for us. We don't even know what a real family is. In my case, I don't even know what it is like to spend Christmas with both of my parents (and I hope it stays that way because after tonight I seriously wouldn't want them together in one room). But this is a process of learning for us, and I'm sure it is going to help me in the future.

You disappointed me...

Start All Over

Sometimes I feel like I cannot find the meaning of life... I mean, like nothing makes sense, like everything goes wrong, like everything is happening the way it is not supposed to happen. I try to be positive, but sometimes life just disappoints me. The problem? Me. I expect too much. For some reason I am not the kind of person that just let things flow. I don't enjoy whatever life brings, I look for the things I want. For example, I like Sam, so that's all I want. If another guy comes, I am not even gonna pay attention because I want Sam. And apparently, it is not meant to be with Sam, but I don't care, I still like Sam. And I am gonna wait for Sam. And Sam is gonna be the Sun of my solar system. Sam is gonna be everything. But nothing is gonna happen with Sam. And then I end up like I am now. Disappointed. Frustrated. Depressed.

I need to understand that things are never the way we want them to be. Life and fate do what the hell they want with us, and that is the way it is supposed to be. I need to back up, relax, just enjoy every second even if nothing special is going on. Because at the end of the day, fate is always right. We might not be able to see that now, but eventually we will, like Steve Jobs said: "It was impossible to connect the dots when I was in college, but it was very clear ten years later. You cannot connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect your future. You have to trust in something, your God, destiny, life karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road, will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well known path. And that will make all the difference". 


I just gotta think that everything is gonna go the way it is supposed to go, the way it is gonna be best, at the right time, at the right place, with the right person, and for the BEST REASON. 

So I wanna start all over. Tomorrow I'm gonna go to school, and I am not gonna walk the way where I know I'm gonna see Sam or Morgan; I'm not gonna be spying at Sam while we are in lunch. I am not gonna wait outside Astronomy class just to see Sam when he goes to physics. I am not gonna do all those crazy things. I am gonna be normal. If it is supposed to happen, if I really need Sam, fate will bring him back; it may not be soon, but he'll be back. Believe in the unexpected.

Play With Me

Guys can make you the happiest person in the world. And they can also bring you down in a matter of seconds. Why would you give me a sign if you are not gonna care when I send another sign back? Why would you give me hope if you are not gonna do anything? Why would you even get involve somewhere where you are not even invited? Nobody asked you to do anything, nobody asked you to say anything, but you did. And now you left me wondering. Why would you even sow an idea in my head if you are not gonna do anything to make it happen? Yeah, play with me all you want, I'm a toy, I'm the kid of doll you can hug one second, and throw away when you get tired of her.

Guys are bipolar. And when their bipolarity gets mixed with my bipolarity, things get complicated.