You can take everything I have

You can break everything am

Like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper

Scared & Fragile

I think that what hurt me the most about my parents fighting was seeing how mean and aggressive they can get. We grow up thinking that our parents are perfect, that they are the best persons in the world, and of course we don't expect them to do what they did to me over the past few days. Maybe it is not a big deal, maybe I am overreacting. But the truth is that I am in shock. I just can't look at them in the eyes after everything they said, not because they fought and they involved me, but because I could see a whole new side of them, not as parents, but as normal persons. And I figured that if my own parents can do what they did to each other and to me, then what am I supposed to expect from the rest of the world? And that scares me, and I feel fragile because every little thing can break me down. I feel like my parents are strangers to me now, which also makes me feel lonely and alone, like I just don't know anything.

Parents are the base of our lives. That base needs to be stable in order for us to grow up healthy and happy because that base is what supports everything. In my family, that base broke long ago, but somehow, we could all bandage some of the damages, and that's how I grew up. But I never said anything, and I always tried to deal with it, along with a lot of things that happened throughout my life. Now that I saw my parents fight like that, I felt like that base broke again, but this time, I didn't have anybody to rely on because my own parents were the enemy, not fate, not hard situations, not other people... but my parents. And I exploded, because I'm also trying to deal with the fact that I'm leaving in less than 2 months, and with all of the doubts and fears that I have about my future. So breaking that base messed everything up. And I have this ball of feelings inside my chest, filled with sadness, hate, pain, disappointment, fears, insecurities, and questions. I wanna scream and run but I can't. It just makes me angry and mad.

I am just scared. And I feel weak as hell.

Hiroshima In My Own House

Again with my parents. But today was more about my dad. After my mom sent me that email talking shit about him, he got REALLY upset, and talked to lawyers, to my grandmother, to everybody about how wrong my mom is. Then he came to my room, and started criticizing her. I mean, I have no words to describe how upset I am. I need to scream FUCK YOU BOTH. I need to run away and just forget about it. I tried to just let it go today, but my dad brought it up right before I was going to sleep. Now it's 12:10 pm, my eyes are all red, I wanna kill everybody, and I keep wishing I had another parents. What hurts me the most is not that they are fighting, but how immature and selfish they are being. My dad even said that mom was a bitch and that she was going to pay it with blood. I know he exaggerating and he didn't mean it that way, but the fact that he used that vocabulary just completely left me speechless. Then he also started saying that I should stay here, I shouldn't go, he started asking me questions about it, and blah blah. It was so hard for me to make the decision of going back, that I can't believe he is even making me second guess myself.

I feel lost and alone. I need my brother. I don't feel good at my dad's house, and at the same time I don't even wanna see my mom. But I can't go anywhere else, so I just wanna jump inside a black hole.

I really can't explain how I feel, because this whole thing just brings up many other things. It is just disappointment. Like now my own parents are my enemies. Like I can't even count on them. I don't even know. I don't wanna see them. Both of them disgust me. One of them sending emails, the other one screaming and talking to lawyers... man, I feel like I'm in the middle of Hiroshima and I am a Japanese civilian trying to survive the atomic bomb.

I just cannot understand how they can involve me in this. They just don't care. All they wanna do is defeat the other one. It is like the Cold War, the Soviets vs America, at some point they didn't give a shit about communism any more, all they wanted was to defeat the "enemy". And there is me, in the middle. If they could just forget about their own issues, if they could just forget about who is right for one second and focus on how I feel. My dad said "what am I supposed to do? sit and let her say whatever she want?" No daddy, you are supposed to stand up and fight until you see her bleed. Yeah, and meanwhile, I am there just looking how you hurt my mom and how she hurts you. Is that the answer I was supposed to give him? the funny thing is that they don't realize that the only way to win this battle is to stop fighting. I don't care what my dad says about my mom, and I don't care what my mom says about my dad. They can try to make me hate the other one all they want, but the more they do that, the further away they get from me. To win my respect, they just gotta stop and say "hey, let's do this for our daughter, let's forget about it, come to an arrangement, and promise to never bring things from the past back" and MOVE THE FUCK ON PEOPLE.

You already got divorced. You already moved thousands miles away from each other. You already divided my life in two. You already made me have to choose between both of you. Now do you really wanna do this to me? The problem is that I never complained about one single thing. I always accepted it and understood that they were too young and whatever. You are not young any more kiddos, so start behaving like adults please.

There is not much that I can do from here, because they involve me all the want but when I try to say something they say "just forget about it". But I know that Lucas, my brother, is watching from above. And I hope he helps me somehow. I hope he can make everything ok. I hope he can kick their buts and bring them back to reality and realize how much they are behaving like assholes. Both of them, I don't give a shit about anything else, all I know is that both of them hurt me. And I'm sure I'm gonna move on, but I will never ever forget about what they are doing to me.

See? At the end of the day all you have is yourself. 

Congratulations To My Divorced Parents

My parents have been divorced for more than 10 years now, and I never had to experience a real issue between them until today. Doesn't matter why they started arguing, but it does matter how it ended. My mom sent an email to my dad and I stating certain things that I didn't need to know about my dad. After this, my dad replied to my mom and I, about certain things about my mom that I also didn't need to know. I didn't know anything about that until he came upstairs where I was happily talking with my step mom and my sister and he started screaming about my mom, showing me the emails, criticizing her, coursing at her, and blah blah blah. It came out of nowhere, super randomly. I was there, sitting in the chair, reading the emails, without knowing what to do, where to go, or what to say, and meanwhile my dad kept on screaming. I had tears in my eyes because I couldn't believe the level of maturity and sensitivity of my parents for involving me. It is true, my mom started it, but my dad also ended it. Then, the only person with the feet on the ground in this whole situation, my step mom, came and hugged me and she said a few words that completely made me cry because for the first time in my life, someone understood me and said what I needed to hear: "I know it is horrible to have divorced parents, two houses, two families, sisters in different places, being in the middle..." while she was crying. And I felt like at least there is someone who can forget about their own issues and see how this whole situation is impacting ME. The one in the middle. My dad came and asked me why I was crying, that he was sorry, and stuff. But there's something that my dad nor my mom can see: I don't care about their fights, I know they are both guilty and victims in regards to some things. I don't care about the fact that they are divorced; I'd rather have them in different parts of the world without talking to each other, than in the same house doing what they did tonight. I do care a little bit about them involving me in their problems, but at the end of the day, it affects them more than it affects me because I have less respect for them and I start looking at them with different eyes. But what they don't realize is that every time they put me in the middle, they remind me how lonely and alone I am. They remind me that my brother is dead, and that he should be there. They remind me of all of those situations that I had to go through alone, all by myself, like moving with my dad to another country, going back to my mom's, going back and forth, the divorce, the issues, everything. I was always alone because fate was unfair and took my brother away from me, who would be a year younger than me. And today while my dad was screaming, all I needed to do was look at Lucas and feel like he was in the exact same position, he was also in the middle. I needed to know that I was not alone, but I was. It is not their fault that my brother passed away when he was a month old, he always had a disease and he was meant to go. But it hurts me that they don't give a fuck about how I feel about it (excuse my language). They don't realize how I feel, and they obviously could not put their issues aside, and deal with them in a more mature way. They had to punish me. So it is not their fault, their immaturity is their problem. But the real pain comes from knowing that I can't bring my brother back to life. I will always need him, and he will not be here. He just won't.

I wanna scream at them, and tell them to go SCREW themselves. But no, I'm gonna take the other way out. I'm gonna be mature, unlike them. I'm gonna deal with this by blogging and writing about it, and of course, by learning from it. Because I am not going to be an irresponsible knocked up 20 year old woman who ends up getting married with the irresponsible 20 year old guy who didn't know how to use a condom. TWICE (like I said, I had a brother). And I am not going to be a selfish divorced mom who involves her daughter in her issues with her ex husband, and I am not gonna let my ex husband scream about his issues to my daughter. In fact, I am not even going to get divorced. But whatever, they are like 40 years old, I can't tell them what is right and what is wrong, THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE THEIR FREAKIN JOB, NOT MINE. I can't change who they are, or how they handle situations, and in two years I'm gonna be 18 and I'm gonna say "HASTA LA VISTA BABY, go solve your problems far away". But today I am going to be mature. Today I wanna show them how this is supposed to work. Today I'm gonna try to be the one that puts things together, because sadly, if I don't do it, we are all going to end up killing each other.

And of course, I have to say that I will never forget what my step mom did. She was the only person in my entire life who came to me and said exactly how I feel. The only that hugged me and wanted to support me and help me.

And well, this is the story of my life. And the story of many other kids with divorced parents. This is how it is for us. We don't even know what a real family is. In my case, I don't even know what it is like to spend Christmas with both of my parents (and I hope it stays that way because after tonight I seriously wouldn't want them together in one room). But this is a process of learning for us, and I'm sure it is going to help me in the future.

You disappointed me...

Screams

I would like to be bulletproof, to be strong and to not let anybody bring me down. But I can't do that. I always say that I'm not sensitive and that no one can make me feel like I'm not worth it, but the truth is that I cry for everything, specially when people scream at me. I don't know why, but screams really hurt me. I hate it when my dad is upset and screams at me, I just start crying and I can't stop for hours. You can actually hit me, and I will not feel as hurt as I feel when someone screams. I guess it's because I don't like screaming at people, I feel like it is disrespectful, I always say what I feel, but I try not to scream it angrily.

I don't know. I just hate screams.