Sunday, November 27, 2011

Congratulations To My Divorced Parents

My parents have been divorced for more than 10 years now, and I never had to experience a real issue between them until today. Doesn't matter why they started arguing, but it does matter how it ended. My mom sent an email to my dad and I stating certain things that I didn't need to know about my dad. After this, my dad replied to my mom and I, about certain things about my mom that I also didn't need to know. I didn't know anything about that until he came upstairs where I was happily talking with my step mom and my sister and he started screaming about my mom, showing me the emails, criticizing her, coursing at her, and blah blah blah. It came out of nowhere, super randomly. I was there, sitting in the chair, reading the emails, without knowing what to do, where to go, or what to say, and meanwhile my dad kept on screaming. I had tears in my eyes because I couldn't believe the level of maturity and sensitivity of my parents for involving me. It is true, my mom started it, but my dad also ended it. Then, the only person with the feet on the ground in this whole situation, my step mom, came and hugged me and she said a few words that completely made me cry because for the first time in my life, someone understood me and said what I needed to hear: "I know it is horrible to have divorced parents, two houses, two families, sisters in different places, being in the middle..." while she was crying. And I felt like at least there is someone who can forget about their own issues and see how this whole situation is impacting ME. The one in the middle. My dad came and asked me why I was crying, that he was sorry, and stuff. But there's something that my dad nor my mom can see: I don't care about their fights, I know they are both guilty and victims in regards to some things. I don't care about the fact that they are divorced; I'd rather have them in different parts of the world without talking to each other, than in the same house doing what they did tonight. I do care a little bit about them involving me in their problems, but at the end of the day, it affects them more than it affects me because I have less respect for them and I start looking at them with different eyes. But what they don't realize is that every time they put me in the middle, they remind me how lonely and alone I am. They remind me that my brother is dead, and that he should be there. They remind me of all of those situations that I had to go through alone, all by myself, like moving with my dad to another country, going back to my mom's, going back and forth, the divorce, the issues, everything. I was always alone because fate was unfair and took my brother away from me, who would be a year younger than me. And today while my dad was screaming, all I needed to do was look at Lucas and feel like he was in the exact same position, he was also in the middle. I needed to know that I was not alone, but I was. It is not their fault that my brother passed away when he was a month old, he always had a disease and he was meant to go. But it hurts me that they don't give a fuck about how I feel about it (excuse my language). They don't realize how I feel, and they obviously could not put their issues aside, and deal with them in a more mature way. They had to punish me. So it is not their fault, their immaturity is their problem. But the real pain comes from knowing that I can't bring my brother back to life. I will always need him, and he will not be here. He just won't.

I wanna scream at them, and tell them to go SCREW themselves. But no, I'm gonna take the other way out. I'm gonna be mature, unlike them. I'm gonna deal with this by blogging and writing about it, and of course, by learning from it. Because I am not going to be an irresponsible knocked up 20 year old woman who ends up getting married with the irresponsible 20 year old guy who didn't know how to use a condom. TWICE (like I said, I had a brother). And I am not going to be a selfish divorced mom who involves her daughter in her issues with her ex husband, and I am not gonna let my ex husband scream about his issues to my daughter. In fact, I am not even going to get divorced. But whatever, they are like 40 years old, I can't tell them what is right and what is wrong, THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE THEIR FREAKIN JOB, NOT MINE. I can't change who they are, or how they handle situations, and in two years I'm gonna be 18 and I'm gonna say "HASTA LA VISTA BABY, go solve your problems far away". But today I am going to be mature. Today I wanna show them how this is supposed to work. Today I'm gonna try to be the one that puts things together, because sadly, if I don't do it, we are all going to end up killing each other.

And of course, I have to say that I will never forget what my step mom did. She was the only person in my entire life who came to me and said exactly how I feel. The only that hugged me and wanted to support me and help me.

And well, this is the story of my life. And the story of many other kids with divorced parents. This is how it is for us. We don't even know what a real family is. In my case, I don't even know what it is like to spend Christmas with both of my parents (and I hope it stays that way because after tonight I seriously wouldn't want them together in one room). But this is a process of learning for us, and I'm sure it is going to help me in the future.

You disappointed me...

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