Monday, November 28, 2011

Hiroshima In My Own House

Again with my parents. But today was more about my dad. After my mom sent me that email talking shit about him, he got REALLY upset, and talked to lawyers, to my grandmother, to everybody about how wrong my mom is. Then he came to my room, and started criticizing her. I mean, I have no words to describe how upset I am. I need to scream FUCK YOU BOTH. I need to run away and just forget about it. I tried to just let it go today, but my dad brought it up right before I was going to sleep. Now it's 12:10 pm, my eyes are all red, I wanna kill everybody, and I keep wishing I had another parents. What hurts me the most is not that they are fighting, but how immature and selfish they are being. My dad even said that mom was a bitch and that she was going to pay it with blood. I know he exaggerating and he didn't mean it that way, but the fact that he used that vocabulary just completely left me speechless. Then he also started saying that I should stay here, I shouldn't go, he started asking me questions about it, and blah blah. It was so hard for me to make the decision of going back, that I can't believe he is even making me second guess myself.

I feel lost and alone. I need my brother. I don't feel good at my dad's house, and at the same time I don't even wanna see my mom. But I can't go anywhere else, so I just wanna jump inside a black hole.

I really can't explain how I feel, because this whole thing just brings up many other things. It is just disappointment. Like now my own parents are my enemies. Like I can't even count on them. I don't even know. I don't wanna see them. Both of them disgust me. One of them sending emails, the other one screaming and talking to lawyers... man, I feel like I'm in the middle of Hiroshima and I am a Japanese civilian trying to survive the atomic bomb.

I just cannot understand how they can involve me in this. They just don't care. All they wanna do is defeat the other one. It is like the Cold War, the Soviets vs America, at some point they didn't give a shit about communism any more, all they wanted was to defeat the "enemy". And there is me, in the middle. If they could just forget about their own issues, if they could just forget about who is right for one second and focus on how I feel. My dad said "what am I supposed to do? sit and let her say whatever she want?" No daddy, you are supposed to stand up and fight until you see her bleed. Yeah, and meanwhile, I am there just looking how you hurt my mom and how she hurts you. Is that the answer I was supposed to give him? the funny thing is that they don't realize that the only way to win this battle is to stop fighting. I don't care what my dad says about my mom, and I don't care what my mom says about my dad. They can try to make me hate the other one all they want, but the more they do that, the further away they get from me. To win my respect, they just gotta stop and say "hey, let's do this for our daughter, let's forget about it, come to an arrangement, and promise to never bring things from the past back" and MOVE THE FUCK ON PEOPLE.

You already got divorced. You already moved thousands miles away from each other. You already divided my life in two. You already made me have to choose between both of you. Now do you really wanna do this to me? The problem is that I never complained about one single thing. I always accepted it and understood that they were too young and whatever. You are not young any more kiddos, so start behaving like adults please.

There is not much that I can do from here, because they involve me all the want but when I try to say something they say "just forget about it". But I know that Lucas, my brother, is watching from above. And I hope he helps me somehow. I hope he can make everything ok. I hope he can kick their buts and bring them back to reality and realize how much they are behaving like assholes. Both of them, I don't give a shit about anything else, all I know is that both of them hurt me. And I'm sure I'm gonna move on, but I will never ever forget about what they are doing to me.

See? At the end of the day all you have is yourself. 

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