Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Arruinada



Y ahora estoy llorando. porque por más que quieraolvidarte, no puedo. Me arruinaste. Venía tan feliz, todo venía tan bien… y vosllegaste una noche y me arruinaste. Sólo te pido un poquito nomás. Una sonrisa,una mirada, algo tonto. No soy lo que querés, y ya estoy acostumbrada a ser esachica que ningún chico quiere de verdad, por eso no te culpo. Sólo te pido unpoquito, y así como te lo pido, estoy abandonando la poca dignidad que tengo. Nosoy nadie, y ahora capaz que sea menos de lo que era antes. Quedé como unaidiota, y sin embargo, te sigo esperando. Y se que voy a esperar por muchotiempo y nunca vas a llegar, porque no querés venir y porque eso es lo que metoca siempre: esperar. Me consuelo pensando que las cosas buenas llegan paraaquellos que se toman el tiempo de esperarlas, pero ya esperé mucho, y nunca mellegó nada. Siempre vuelvo a lo mismo, siempre termino escuchando las mismascanciones y escribiendo los mismo poemas. Siempre termino en las mismas charlascon las mismas personas. Siempre vuelvo a los mismos lugares e intento rezarlas mismas oraciones. Todo para sentirme mejor y así seguir esperando. Peronunca, nunca vas a llegar. No importa que escuche, o que diga, o que escriba, oque me aconsejen, sé que nunca vas a llegar. Una parte grande de mi lo sabe yve la realidad de que no sos para mi. Esa parte ve las señales de la vida y seda cuenta que sos uno mas de esos amores no correspondidos que me tocaron. Perola otra parte no se quiere rendir, no quiere dejar de esperar. Y tiene esa necesidadgigante de gritar y decirte lo mucho que te necesita sin siquiera conocerte. Esapequeña parte de mi va a seguir teniendo la fe de que a lo mejor, quién sabe, alo mejor si vas a venir. Pero esperarte a vos es como esperar a la lluvia en undesierto, en una sequía. Es imposible, es una ilusión. Por mas que reze, yescriba, y cante, y grite, y llore, y diga lo que tenga que decir, no teimporto. Siento que es mi culpa, que no fuí suficiente. Que hice algo mal. Mesiento inferior a todas. y mas allá de la humillación, por algo sigo acaesperando. Por algo estoy ahora llorando pidiendo a gritos que vengas. Que medes una sonrisa, que me mires con esos ojos. Me da miedo verte, me da vergüenzaporque nose que pensás de mi, y al mismo tiempo, es lo que más quiero. Y meodio, me odio por sufrir asi por alguien que no conozco. Me odio porque llorotodos los días porque una vez más no viniste. Porque pensar que tal vez algopueda llegar a pasar es lo que me hace levantar todas las mañanas y poner unasonrisa en mi cara. después el día terminó, vuelvo a mi casa, y me acuestodesilucionada. Y mientras tanto lloro, porque es el último recurso que unotiene para expresar desilución. Uno llora cuando ya sabe que todo terminó, queya no hay chances, no hay fé. Y por eso lloro, porque ya hice todo lo que pude.Todo me salió mal, todo me jugó en contra. Y vos seguro ya te olvidaste, pasaspor al lado mio como si no supieras quien soy. Y en realidad es asi, no sabesquien soy, sólo fui una más de esas con las que estás los viernes a la noche,de esas a las que acurrís cuando estás aburrido, cuando no encontrás nadamejor. Ser una mas, duele. Y en tan poquito tiempo, pudiste arruinarme. Es tristever como mientras yo no moví ni una hoja de tu mundo, vos al mismo tiempo movistemi mundo entero. Y cada vez q te veo lo haces de nuevo, porque una vez más esapequeña esperanza vuelve. Y no entiendo porque pienso que hay esperanzas, si lavida me dice a gritos que no, que no las hay. Ya no quedan formas de que memuestren que NADA va a pasar, pero sin embargo yo sigo creyendo, sigo teniendofé. Es que no hay nada más dificil que renunciar a algo cuando en el fondo sabésque es lo que más querés en este momento. algún día te voy a olvidar, lo sé. Puedeser mañana como puede ser en un año, pero eventualmente el olvido llega. Enrealidad el olvido no existe, uno solo aprende a vivír sin eso que tanto quierey no puede tener. El punto es que se que ese día en que ya no signifiques nadava a llegar en algún momento. Pero mientras tanto, sigo aca, llorando, pensadoen todas las cosas que hubiera cambiado en las últimas semanas. Pero ahí escuando me doy cuenta que no importa que hice, ni que hiciste. Algunas cosasestán destinadas a pasar mientras que otras no, y esto que nunca tuvimos, talvez no era parte de mi destino. Fue algo que se cruzó por accidente, unacoincidencia de que yo vea tu foto de perfíl y enamorarme al instante, y quedespués vos y yo, los dos, estemos en el mismo lugar a la misma hora. Dosveces. Por más de que el destino sea mi religión, no quiero pensar que estabadestinada a ser arruinada de nuevo, porque no tiene sentido. No tiene sentidopensar que esta historia que nunca pasó iba a terminar así sin siquiera haberempezado. Y la idea del destino es que a la larga todo tiene sentido. Tal vezme esté apresurando y sea muy temprano para conectar los puntos dispersados. Peroes imposible no intentar buscar una razón a todo esto en el medio de latormenta. Quiero poder pensar que vale la pena seguir esperando, que todo tieneun significado. Quiero poder creer en ese "todo pasa por algo" ydarle para adelante. Derrochar lagrimas en vano no es mi actividad favorita yahora siento que es lo único que estoy haciendo. Y mientras más lloro, máspienso, más escribo, y más pasa el tiempo, sé que menos te tengo, algo que essubjetivo, ya que por lo que se te tuve sólo una vez por 40 minutos, que fueronlos mejores 40 minutos en mucho tiempo. En esos 40 minutos, que si mal norecuerdo, me abrasaste fuerte y me hiciste sentír felíz, como que al fín se medaba, ahí fue donde me arruinaste. Yo no debería haberte dicho que si, nodebería haber sido débil. Me olvidé de mi y de lo único que me pude acordar fuede vos y de esos ojos. Y sabés que es lo más triste? Nunca más me vas a dar unos40 minutos así, pero en el mínimo de los casos que lo hagas, así sean 5minutos, sé que voy a ser débil de nuevo. Y sé que te voy a ver dandole minutosa otras muchas veces, y que por cada minuto van a haber 100 lagrimas mías,escondida para que nadie vea el derroche de honor y dignidad que le hago a mipersona. 
Ya creo que no queda nada por decír. Con el paso delos años y las diferentes experiencias vividas aprendí a siempre mostrar unasonrisa, pero hay veces que directamente no hay ganas. Hay veces que es másfácil y más lindo largar todo y estár mal, porque es lo que mi interior pide.  La tristeza puede ser algo hermoso si uno sabecomo manejarla. Si estoy mal en el fondo, por mas sonrisa que muestre, lascosas van a seguir igual. No es cuestión de actitud, es cuestión de llorar esefamoso rio, para así poder construir el puente, y al fín ser capáz de cruzarlode una vez por todas.

Dignity


Yesterday was an awful day, but like I said, sometimes you gotta cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it. And that's what I did.  I'm not saying it doesn't hurt any more knowing that Robert doesn't give a shit about me and that I completely looked like an idiot in front of him but now at least I don't need to cry all the time like yesterday. I am a persistent person, and sometimes I never stop waiting for something to happen. Only a few things can exhaust me and one of those things is when I feel like I'm not being treated like I deserve, which is why Saturday was the finish line. I waited two weeks for this kid to do something and I've been through this a thousand times, and I'm tired. I'm tired to be crawling and begging to be loved. If he doesn't like me, I can't push him to do so. He has to realize whether he wants to lose me, to just hook up with me, to talk to me, to respect me, whatever. And he hasn't done any of those things. He just kissed me and took me for granted, like he does with every other single girl. You know, I have so many other better options... I know HE is the one I want right now, but at the same time, I also want to have DIGNITY. So if he can't even say hi to me in school, or look at me, or show me that he remembers who I am, or "like" my picture on facebook just for the hell of it, then I'm not gonna be crying and waiting for him. He doesn't deserve it.

So guess what. It's over. It still hurts, it really does. But what hurts the most is how I made myself look in front of so many people, because I love myself way more than I want him, so this is it. And for the record, I'm not gonna forget and walk away. I'm gonna make him feel sorry for treating me like I'm some other slut. Maybe I behaved like one a little bit, but he never took the time to actually figure me out, so if he's treating me like a whore, THEN I'M GONNA FUCKING BE ONE. I'm planning to hook up with some other junior, I don't know which one, but I'm gonna make sure he finds out. He is probably not gonna care, but at least he is never gonna be the only one again. And for the record, I am not doing that for him, it is about me. I don't care if he is jealous or not, because he doesn't give a damn, but I am doing it to feel better about my stupidity of getting so caught up with a jerk so easily.

I repeat: it still hurts. But it will get better in time, just like it always does.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Today

It was a good day. It started with me dancing "Domino" by Jessie J, which is my newest favorite song. I was like "whatever with everybody, I'm just gonna be happy, blah blah". I saw Robert a few times and he was hot as usual but I kept my cool and I kept on smiling. Everything was fine. But happy moments do not last for long in my life and everything went down when my guy friend told me he almost punched Robert on Saturday night because he didn't say hi to me in school. I definitely looked like a fuckin idiot who is telling everybody that the guy doesn't say hi to me. Then, I came back home and I started looking at some pictures of a girl in my school, and Robert LIKES EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. He doesn't even like my status on Facebook. Nothing. He doesn't look at me. He doesn't say hi to me. He ignores me. He definitely doesn't even wanna have anything to do with me. Period. I get it now, the story about me getting a broken heart is repeating itself like it always did. So I cried. I cried while listening to Taylor Swift songs. Because it is time to finally face it: HE DOESN'T LIKE ME. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME. AND HE NEVER WILL. What did I think? That this time things were going to go the way I wanted them to go? Just because he kissed me twice doesn't mean anything.

Everything sucks. I try to be happy, but I have to see him everyday. It sucks, but it's awesome at the same time, and that's why I can't get over him. Because as much as I wanna forget him, I know he is the only one that can make me happy right now.

Dear John - Taylor Swift

Long were the nights when
My days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps
Praying the floor won’t fall through, again
My mother accused me of losing my mind

But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain

And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules everyday
Wonderin’ which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight
Well I stopped pickin’ up and this song is to let you know why

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with

The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home, I should've known.

Well maybe it’s me
And my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it’s you and your sick need
To give love and take it away


And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
And I'll look back in regret how I ignored when they said

'Run as fast as you can’


Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played by your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so, I should've known.

You are an expert at sorry
And keeping the lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you run dry have tired lifeless eyes
Cause you burned them out

But I took your matches
Before fire could catch me
So don’t look now
I’m shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town

You're Not Sorry - Taylor Swift

All this time I was wasting,
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out

And you're thinking we'll be fine again,
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no oh

Looking so innocent,
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

You had me crawling for you honey

And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

Should've Said No - Taylor Swift

It's strange to think the songs we used to sing
The smiles, the flowers, everything: is gone
Yesterday I found out about you
Even now just looking at you: feels wrong
You say that you'd take it all back, given one chance
It was a moment of weakness and you said yes...


You should've said no, you should've gone home
You should've thought twice before you let it all go
You should've know that word
, bout what you did with her
Would get back to me...
And I should've been there, in the back of your mind
I shouldn't be asking myself why

You shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet...
You should've said no, baby and you might still have me

You can see that I've been crying
And baby you know all the right things: to say
But do you honestly expect me to believe
We could ever be the same...
You say that the past is the past, you need one chance
It was a moment of weakness and you said yes...

I can't resist... before you go, tell me this
Was it worth it...
Was she worth this...

Last Kiss - Taylor Swift

I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go away?
Away

I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms

But now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips


I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I'm not much for dancing
But for you I did

Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind


"How do you know what is a dream if you never accomplished one? How do you know what is an adventure if you never took part in one? How do you know what is anguish if you never said goodbye to your family and friends with your eyes full of tears? How do you know what is being desperate, if you never arrived in a place alone and could not understand a word of what everyone else was saying? How do you know what is diversity if you never lived under the same roof with people from all over the world? How do you know what is tolerance, if you never had to get used to something different even if you didn’t like it. How do you know what is autonomy, if you never had the chance to decide something by yourself? How do you know what it means to grow up, if you never stopped being a child to start a new course? How do you know what is to be helpless, if you never wanted to hug someone and had a computer screen to prevent you from doing it? How do you know what is distance, if you never, looking at a map, said “I am so far away”? How do you know what is a language, if you never had to learn one to make friends? How do you know what is patriotism, if you never shouted “ I love my country” holding a flag in your hands? How do you know what is the true reality, if you never had the chance to see a lot of them to make one. How do you know what is an opportunity, if you never caught one? How do you know what is pride, if you never experienced it for yourself at realizing how much you have accomplished? How do you know what is to seize the day, if you never saw the time running so fast? How do you know what is a friend, if the circumstances never showed you the true ones. How do you know what is a family, if you never had one that supported you unconditionally? How do you know what are borders, if you never crossed yours, to see what there was on the other side? How do you know what is imagination, if you never thought about the moment when you would go back home?
How do you know the world, if you have never been an exchange student?"

Government in Action

Today I went to an office of the US Department of Justice - Drug Enforcement Administration. Which office is irrelevant. 
One of the reasons that I went was to meet with a legendary DEA Special Agent who had recently rotated back to the US from abroad. This particular Special Agent has forgotten more than most people know about the drug enforcement business, yet he's humble and very unassuming. He's one of those rare people in a bureaucracy who was able to make a difference in his career, though he seemed a bit depressed.

I told him that when he left his last assignment, the reputation that he left behind was sterling. 
It's time that I take a step back and share with you that his legacy from his last overseas assignment was nothing but praise and respect from people who had seen his work and had been impressed by it.
He said, "they asked me to leave (Country X)."

I was shocked.

"One of the people from Headquarters came down and asked me candidly how things were going. I've known this particular person for twenty years. I told he/she that things were really screwed up and that they could be fixed without a lot of effort, but they needed to be fixed or we were wasting our time. The next day my boss came to me and told me to request a transfer (short of tour - looks bad on your record)."

So he did.

And that is how the world of the government bureaucracy spins - and why, no matter how hard the government tries to govern, more often than not, NOTHING GETS DONE.


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Tonight

Saturday night looked like it was going to be an amazing night and I didn't end up crying just because I had to pull it together.

It was the first party for seniors (there's one every month) and with my friends we had to go as sexy clowns. We sort of looked like whores, but whatchu gunna du? Anyway, so my boys were all gonna be there, so at least something had to happen with one of them.

We all were in the same bus, all of my friends, the girls from the other class, and the junior guys (including Robert). When we were going to the party, Charly started kissing me on my cheeks, and then he tried to kiss me on my lips, twice. Both times, I turned my face around to stop him, and I said "NOT NOW". Since he has a BIG EGO, he turned around and started making out with another girl, in front of me.

Then I saw Robert, and he didn't even say hi to me, and he ended up making out with some other girl.

And then Charly made out with another girl and he came to me and said "You deserve it", like "now I'm with someone else MUAHAHAHA" you fucking idiot.

All I wanted him to do was have a little bit of respect for me and treat me like a lady. He never did that which is why I'm so upset.

It's like everything is going wrong. And then Val chatted with Robert's friend and he said that Robert didn't really care about me, he just kissed me because I was looking for him.

I spent the whole day crying today because it hurts, it really does, and nobody understands me. But what I was trying to do was to cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it, you know what I mean?

I HATE BOYS.

But at least I had fun with my friends, we looked sexy, and I danced a little bit.





Thursday, March 8, 2012

I HATE LOVE


EXPLICAME PORQUE SOS TAN LINDO.

Until You're Mine - Demi Lovato

My state of mind has finally
got the best of me
I need you next to me
I'll try to find a way that I
could get to you

Just wanna get to you

The world I see is perfect now,
you're all around
With you I can breathe

Until you're mine, I have to find
A way to fill this hole inside

I can't survive without you here
by my side
Until you're mine, not gonna be
Even close to complete
I won't rest until you're mine
Mine...

Alone inside,
I can only hear your voice
Ringing through the noise

Can't fight my mind, keeps on
coming back to you
Always back to you

Wanted something out of reach
It's killing me
, you're all I see, yeah

Just stop wondering
If we were meant to be
Forget about fate and just hold me

I'm ready to begin
The waiting has to end
Right now, today
I've gotta find a way

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Cold As You - Taylor Swift



 
 
You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

C H A R L I E

Aside from everything that is going on with Robert, Charlie finally showed me how much he likes me, but IN AN EXTREME WAY. Yesterday, he spent the whole day throwing indirect at me. He even asked everybody if we look good together, and he told one of my teachers we were dating.

If he would have done everything a few weeks ago, I would be the happiest person ever. But I waited for him to do something for two months, and now there's someone else. Charlie said we were gonna hook up on Saturday (there's a party at a nightclub) but the truth is that I'm gonna be waiting for Robert to do something, and since Charlie is my friend, I don't wanna have him as a second option. Besides, I felt super awkward and uncomfortable with him on Monday, so I don't know how this is gonna go.
No me olvidé de vos. Me acordé de mí.

Forget Him, Remember Me




Yes, time to admit it. What am I waiting for? He is a jerk, and he is not gonna change. Not now. I mean, if a guy didn't show interest in you the first few days, then it means he is never gonna be interested, specially if he made out with someone else when he had the chance to do it with you, or when he is online but doesn't even say hi. Then yes, he is a jerk. But I'm a girl, and I was taught with Disney movies that guys can prince charming, therefore I believe that every single one of them is a good guy, when the truth is, prince charming is one in a million. But I still have faith, so I hope, and I expect too much from these kids. Very innocent, actually. I think I should start paying attention to the signs life is giving me, showing that I should just lose faith in guys. And that's what's happening, I'm losing faith with every single broken heart, with every single jerk.

98% of it it's my fault, let's face it. I made out with him twice and then I thought he was gonna fall in love with me just because he gave me one of the most amazing kisses ever. That's stupid. He used me, I'm older so he thought he was gonna fool around with me and fuck with my feelings and emotions. And as far as I wanna kiss him again and give him another chance, deep inside I know that I gotta let him got before this is all too much. But it is not really about forgetting about him. It is more about remembering myself. Because I gotta love me more than any other guy will ever do. And he can grab my hand and kiss me and look at me with those beautiful eyes, but I have to be strong, and I have to say no.

Yesterday he didn't even say hi to me in school, how weird (sarcastic). That made me sad, after what happened on Friday night I just thought he was gonna have a little bit of respect for myself and come and say hi. But he didn't. It was frustrating and that pretty much ruined my day (and some other things too). When I came back home, my friend Nick gave me the most amazing piece of advice ever, and that was exactly what I needed to wake up from that dream where I thought Robert was a good guy. He told me that the guy is just a jerk, he's always been that way, and that I can never lose myself or stop loving myself for a guy like him. That I need to be a little bit harder on him, and make him fight for me and see if he is really willing to do it. Then I said that my biggest fear was that if I stopped being easy with him, then he would just leave, because no matter what an ass-whole he is, I don't want our last kiss to be out last. I still want more intense kisses. I don't wanna give them up. But my friend told me that I was being stupid, because if he wouldn't fight for me a little bit, then he is not worth my time, my tears, or my kisses.

And then I talked to Robert's friend, who is also my friend, and I was telling him that I decided to start having more dignity and only hook up with boys who show to be interested in me and who are willing to fight for it, and he said "oh, so let's dismiss Robert then", meaning that he is not that kind of guy, or that he is only interested in hooking up, nothing else. You have no idea how much that hurt. But at least now I know his friend is gonna tell him what I told him, and if he really wants me, he is gonna do something about it, which is what I hope, but do not expect at all. I'm sure he gonna be like "whatever" and he is gonna go find some other girl.

But you know, that's fine. I mean, it's not fine, but everything happens for a reason. It is sort of frustrating, but I gotta love myself first before I love anybody else. And if he is not respecting me, it is my fault, because I allowed him to do that. I didn't respect myself and therefore he was gonna do the same thing. But... I know he liked it. I know that it was a waaaaaaaaay better kiss that the one he had with the other girl. I mean, he is probably not gonna admit it, but I know he is gonna miss me on Friday nights. Like, seriously? 40 minutes making out without stopping. You have no idea how passionate was that. It was amazing.

I don't know what's gonna happen in the future anyway, but at least I committed myself to make him respect me and at least pretend to like me a little bit.

GIRLS SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE PRINCESSES. DON'T EVER LET A GUY DO WHATEVER HE WANTS WITH YOU.


And what do I want? I want him to need me.

PS: This post was half written when I was super sad and upset, and the other half when I realized I was being dramatic and that "it's me before dicks". you know what I mean?

Monday, March 5, 2012

Too Little Too Late - Jojo



Come with me
Stay the night
You say the words but boy it don't feel right
What do ya expect me to say
You take my hand
And you say you've changed
But boy you know your begging don't fool me
Because to you it's just a game

So let me on down
'Cause time has made me strong
I'm starting to move on
I'm gonna say this now
Your chance has come and gone
And you know...

It's just too little too late
a little too wrong
And I can't wait
But you know all the right things to say
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase

To be real
It doesn't matter anyway

I was young
And in love
I gave you everything
But it wasn't enough
And now you wanna communicate
Go find someone else
In letting you go
I'm loving myself

You got a problem
But don't come asking me for help
'Cause you know...

I can love with all of my heart, baby
I know I have so much to give
With a player like you I don't have a prayer

That's no way to live
It's just too little too late

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Tonight

Well well well... let's talk about Friday Night. From the very beginning.

I went to the same night club where I made out with Robert a week before. It was me, Jousefa, and all of my friends. Jousefa has a thing with one of Robert's friends, who is also my friend, so she was obviously going to make out with him. And I was also expecting to make out with Robert, not just because I think he is hot, but also because the first time we hooked up, I was a little bit... you know. Anyway, so when we got there we saw them, but once again, Robert didn't even say hi to me.

After a few hours I saw him dancing with another girl, and I think they were making out. Tears came to my eyes :( so I told my friend that I needed to go to the bathroom, but she didn't know why. I actually went to a little terrace in the back of the nightclub. I sat down there and I started crying and trying to call my other friend Val. She never answered because it was 3 Am so I just stayed there, and I could hear THIS SONG (click there if you wanna hear it) in my head.


After a few minutes, I saw ROBERT coming to the terrace with the girl, who happened to be a friend of mine (we are just acquaintances actually). I tried to clean my face a little bit, and then she came to me and asked me if I had seen her phone because she lost it, and he was helping her to look for it. She didn't know about Robert and I, so she came near me, and HE sat next to me. It was an awkward situation because I had no idea what the hell was going on, and I had tears in my eyes, and he was with her. Then two other friends came to help her, and one of them stayed with me later to talk because he was also sad about a girl. At some point, Robert left with the girl and went inside. 


Then the guy who stayed with me said that we should forget about everything, go inside, dance, and have fun. When we were going inside, I saw Roobert with two guy friends going to the terrace, so I told the other guy that I needed to go to the bathroom, but I was actually following Robert. I acted like I didn't see him and he grabbed my hand and asked me if I was Ok, and I said yes, and then he asked me what I was doing there by myself and I didn't really know what to answer so I just said that I was tired, and then he asked me the key question: QUERES IR A DAR UNA VUELTA? (do you want to go to walk around?), and I looked at him, knowing he had hooked up with someone else before and that she was not there anymore, and what did I say? Sadly and luckily, both at the same time, I said YES. So he grabbed my hand again, we walked through the whole night club and we went downstairs, to a place where nobody else was, and then yes, we made out for like 40 minutes without stopping, it was... intense hahahahahaha. It felt amazing.


But what happened? After 40 minutes he said he had to go with his friends, and he left me. I went upstairs and I saw my friend Jousefa with her guy, and he was being super cute, unlike Robert, and I felt bad because I felt used. So later, I met a german guy that I had seen before at the mall, and I ended up making out with him too for like 5 minutes. But just to let Robert know that he is not the only one who is playing with someone, he made out with another girl, ok... fine. I MADE OUT WITH A HOT GERMAN GUY YOU EFFING ASSHOLE. 


After that night, he didn't even talked to me. So yes, he thinks I'm his dog and he can do whatever he wants with me, whenever he is bored, he is gonna look for me and he knows I'm gonna say yes because he knows I think he is hot. 


I mean, I could use him too. I still have X and Mason, so I could just make out with him whenever I see him and then forget about it, but the problem is that even if I try to do that, I know the more I make out with him, the more I'm gonna like him. I am not the kind of girl who can kiss a guy, see him in school every day, and then forget about it, because I know that's a game where I'm gonna end up losing. He is never gonna feel anything, but I know I will. So he is gonna fool around with my feelings, manipulate me, play with me, do whatever he wants with me, and then leave me like he did last night.

I wish I could have self respect and just let him go, but I don't think I can do that. And at the end of the day it is not really about him, it is about me. 

 "And my weakness is, that I care too much."

Mexico is NOT Colombia


Thepolicies implemented by the Calderon Government in Mexico and backed by theUnited States under the Merida Initiative and elsewhere have met with verylimited success on the ground in Mexico. There have been many photographs ofsmiling Mexican soldiers and marines standing next to mountains of seizednarcotics, automatic weapons and US currency, but in a practical sense, theproblem persists unabated.

Theproblem as I see it is not so much that Mexican Drug Trafficking Organizations(DTO’s) supply drugs to a drug hungry America as it is that nobody wants toseriously consider the eight hundred pound gorilla sitting in the corner. Thebig question is one of the extent to which the Mexican government operates asan extension of drug trafficking organizations. Efforts to determine this havelargely been superficial and concerted human intelligence collection programsin Mexico have yet to be considered as a serious option.

Oneday, the US will decide to address the problem of a DTO (mafia) run governmenton our Southern Border and when that happens, maybe elements of thesesuggestions could be dusted off and considered.

Mexicois not Colombia, and while the supply-side measures taken by the Colombians,supported by the United States were effective, simply cloning the Colombianstrategy is not enough. I won’t dwell on the differences between Colombia andMexico here and trust that the reader is sufficiently aware of those that theydon’t need to be rehashed here. There has been considerable evidence thatMexican DTO’s are manufacturing methamphetamine products in Africa and Europe.To some extent these products find their way into the North American narcoticsmarket as well.[1]Colombia acted as a way station for processing and distributing cocaine. TheMexican DTO’s have spread globally and the trend seems to be growing.

Will the Merida Initiative Work?

TheUS Army War College found that the Merida Initiative, “is unlikely to achieve the desired results in Mexico. Infocusing largely on security, enforcement, and interdiction, the Merida Initiative pays comparatively littleattention to the deeper structural problems that fuel the drug trade anddrug-related violence. These problems, ranging from official corruption inMexico to large-scale drug consumption in the United States, have so farfrustrated Mexican attempts to rein in the cartels, and will likely hinder theeffectiveness of the Merida Initiative as well.” (emphasis added) Jumping toDr. Brands conclusion, in part, “The costs of action are therefore high, butthe price of inaction would be exponentially greater. The effects of drug usein the United States and the potential for the economic and politicaldestabilization of Mexico make counternarcotics an immensely significantnational security issue.”[2]

Successin combatting internal corruption and the DTO’s in Mexico requires a concertedeffort on the part of the US to assist those honest and trustworthy elementswithin the Mexican Government. The only way that this can happen is though theimplementation of a genuine human intelligence effort within Mexico designed toferret out DTO infrastructure. Arrests of high profile DTO members have donevery little to impact infrastructure. Seizures of arms, narcotics products and cash have had negligible impacton DTO infrastructure. As they grow into truly worldwide organizations, thiswill become increasingly difficult to accomplish. The longer the US waits onthe sidelines, the more entrenched the DTO’s will become.




[1] Mexico Operations Group Reports pertaining to LaResistencia (Millennium Cartel) and Cartel Nueva Generacion Jalisco. For themost part, the Joaquin Guzman Loera (El Chapo) DTO has focused on smugglingcocaine to the European market through Africa and directly.
[2] Strategic Studies Institute, US Army War College, Dr.Hal Brands, May 2009

Friday, March 2, 2012

I Am - Hilary Duff



I'm an angel, I'm a devil
I am sometimes in between
I'm as bad it can get
And good as it can be
Sometimes I'm a million colors
Sometimes I'm black and white

I am all extremes
Try figure me out you never can
There's so many things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am

I'm someone filled with self-belief
And haunted by self-doubt

I've got all the answers
I've got nothing figured out
I like to be by myself
I hate to be alone
I'm up and I am down
But that's part of the thrill
Part of the plan
Part of all of the things I am

I'm a million contradictions
Sometimes I make no sense
Sometimes I'm perfect
Sometimes I'm a mess
Sometimes I'm not sure who I am


The Math - Hilary Duff



You're always trying to figure out
What I am all about
If you don't know what the answer is
Then just shut up and kiss
It shouldn't take forever
To put it all together

If you can't do the math
Then get out of the equation
I am calling you back
This is star 69
Is it a minus or a plus
Does enough equal enough
If you can't do the math
Then nothing adds up
Tell me why I'm here

Sure I want someone to understand
But I don't need the stress
I'm not about being analyzed
Like it's some kind of test

Don't have to be a genius
To figure what's between us

You can spend your whole life analyzing
Justifying, quantifying, and dividing
'Till there's nothing anymore
Why don't you just close your eyes
And kiss my lips and let it go

Just let it flow
It's what I'm waiting for

Today

So today the first person I saw was Baby. It was awkward because he is shy as hell, he didn't even look me in the eyes. I was walking in the hallways and I saw my friend who is also his friend so I went to say hi to him and the first person I go to say hi to was Baby. After that awkward moment I said hi to all of his friends and they were all laughing. The funny thing is that Baby didn't even say hi, he was sooo nervous. It was frustrating :(

And then, after school, I went to the mall that is a block away to look for one of my friends, and when I went to the food court I walked by his table where he was eating with his friends, and EVERY SINGLE FRIEND looked at me and laughed, while he was looking down super nervous.

I mean, I don't know what the hell is going on. Tonight I'm going out to the same nightclub where we hooked up and I hope he is there, but I don't even know if something's gonna happen because he can't even look at me.

But there's a small detail I didn't tell here. When we were making out he was drunk, and then he said he was feeling sick and he puked. I was there, nothing happened to me, but I saw it, and I think that's the reason why he feels so embarrassed. I don't know.

Anyway, I REALLY REALLY HOPE I see him tonight, but I don't want to get my hopes up.

On the other hand, I sit next to Val, who sits next to X. And then after school he texted me asking me about my first day of school in Argentina and then we talked for a while and he was kinda cute, but he still doesn't really show anything. 

Overall it was an amazing first day of school, I just hope Baby stops being so shy because I'm not done with him yet.

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

Today I've realized that coming back to Argentina was the best thing I've ever done in my life. I was so happy to be there, in my school, with my real friends, sitting next to Val and behind Josefa. It was amazing! I just couldn't have asked for more. Besides, IM A SENIOR. I'm school royalty, it feels beautiful <3

CLASS OF 2012!!

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Sparks Fly - Taylor Swift



The way you move is like a full on rainstorm
And I'm a house of cards
You're the kind of reckless
That should send me runnin'
But I kinda know that I won't get far
And you stood there in front of me
Just close enough to touch

Close enough to hope you couldn't see
What I was thinking of

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk

Take away the pain
'cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile
Get me with those green eyes, baby, as the lights go down
Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around
'cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile

My mind forgets to remind me
You're a bad idea
You touch me once and it's really something,
You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be.

I'm on my guard for the rest of the world
But with you I know it's no good
And I could wait patiently but I really wish you would...

I run my fingers through your hair and watch the lights go wild.
Just keep on keeping your eyes on me, it's just wrong enough to make it feel right.
Lead me up the staircase
Won't you whisper soft and slow?
I'm captivated by you, baby, like a firework show.

Letter to Valen




Por donde empezar....

Hace 1 año y medio que venimos planeando y contando los meses para que vuelva, y al fin se dió, después de meses y meses chateando, hablando por Skype, y sin poder juntarnos ni vivir boludeces como las que venimos viniendo desde que llegue.

La cuestion es que estoy TAN feliz de haber vuelto, y mucho más feliz de haber compartido casi todos los momentos lindos desde que llegue con vos. Me di cuenta que estamos MUCHO mas unidas de lo que estabamos cuando me fui, y eso hay que agradecercelo a la distancia, porque más allá de que no te vi por mucho tiempo, vos siempre estuviste ahí, y como te dije muchas veces, fuiste una de las pocas. Por eso me hiciste saber que puedo contar con vos siempre, en las buenas y en las malas, al igual que vos con migo y wewewewe.

Sinceramente nose como hice para estar en USA y tenerte tan lejos, osea, como ayer, que me sentia mal y al rato estaba en tu house hablando, chichiando, chusmeando, analizando, haciendo terapia, y comiendo waffles. No tenes una idea como una tarde tan simple me puede ayudar tanto. Aparte es una cosa que nos entendemos en todo, hasta cuando hacemos chistes pelotudos nos reimos. Y bueno, me buscaste al amor de mi vida, algo que YA SE COMO AGRADECERTE pero nunca va a ser suficiente jajajajaja, aunque voy a hacer el intento de que si lo sea.

Vos sabes que estoy para lo que necesites forever and always <3

TE AMO HASTA EL CIELO, IDA Y VUELTA. NO TENGO PALABRAS PARA DECIRTE GRACIAS POR TODO LO Q HICISTE POR MI, ACOMPANIARME (VA CON ENIE PERO EN MAYUSCULA NO SE PUEDE) ESTE FINDE, COCINARME, ESTAR SIEMPRE, AYUDARME, ACONSEJARME, Y OBERT OBERT OBERT JAJAJAJAJAJ I LOVE YOU <333
Y SE VIENEN NUESTROS CUMPLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES. WEWEWEWEWEWE


Just One Night Kiss

I don't know what happened with me last night. The whole "Robert" thing made me explode and I started crying and I was like "am I really crying for this?". Even I couldn't believe that I was crying for such a stupid thing.

Then I started crying and I started thinking, and I realized that no, this boy is not the main reason. I mean, he is contributing, but he is not the main reason at all. BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY FOR YOUNGER GUYS.

I think I was crying because I'm gonna miss my last first day of school because I'm still waiting for my school papers to be sent from Buenos Aires so I can show here that I did do the Argentinian online school, but I don't know for sure when these papers are gonna come so I don't really know when I'm starting school, while all of my friends are starting tomorrow. Missing school for a couple of days is fine, that's not a big deal. But I really wanted to see Robert before everybody forgot what happened on Friday, and now I feel like that's not gonna happen. And he never talked to me again and my best guy friend told me that it is sort of weird that he hasn't chatted me or something after so many days. So yes, this is what I thought it was: just a one night kiss.

But like I said, BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY FOR YOUNGER GUYS.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

boys make me cry.

Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen



I threw a wish in the well,
Don't ask me, I'll never tell
I looked to you as it fell,
And now you're in my way

I trade my soul for a wish,
Pennies and dimes for a kiss
I wasn't looking for this,
But now you're in my way

Your stare was holdin',
Ripped jeans, skin was showin'
Hot night, wind was blowin'
Where you think you're going, baby?

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?


It's hard to look right,
At you baby,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?

You took your time with the call,
I took no time with the fall
You gave me nothing at all,
But still, you're in my way


I beg, and borrow and steal
Have foresight and it's real
I didn't know I would feel it,
But it's in my way

And all the other boys,
Try to chase me,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad
I missed you so, so bad

TENGO GANAS DE GRITAR.

How Many Kisses Does It Take?



I'm an obsessive person. We all know that. I have the power to transform something little and useless into a big part of my life. That's good, sometimes, because feeling too much can also be productive. I mean, being able to make each moment important is what makes an amazing life. But some other times, it brings me down. Because some things are probably meant to stay where they belong, somewhere where nobody, not even me, can find them. Just like that kiss on Friday should have stayed there, on Friday, in that nightclub, and never find its way out. But we are talking about myself here, and nothing stays where it belongs. I let everything out, and I over-think each little thing that comes to me. At some point it gets confusing, where I don't even know how I feel anymore. Because, why can't I stop thinking about it? Why am I thinking about a guy who probably doesn't give a shit about that night? Why did that guy, who I didn't even know, change so many things in my mind?

It scares me. What scares me? Everything. Because I know me, and I know love, and I know how I function with love. I mean, love and I? No, we don't work together. We are like salt and water. I'm the kind of girl who gets herself a gift for Valentine's Day. I'm the kind of girl who never gets the boy she wants. Now what am I talking about? Do I want this boy? Do I really like him? That's the problem. Who the hell knows? Why was that kiss so perfect? I mean, right there, that moment when I was kissing him, where I just stopped giving a fuck about everything else. Why, out of 4 other guys, he was the one that brought earthquakes to my heart? He made me feel Niall Horan, and I mean the real one, didn't matter anymore. He, with just one kiss, was able to throw Morgan, Sam, Cody, Jake, Jason, Mason, and whoever into a trash called "past". I mean, I've been trying to do that for days, months, years. I used songs, movies, quotes, blogs, Grey's Anatomy, Glee, One Direction, tumblr, WeHeartIt, everything! I used everything to forget them all, and none of those techniques worked. Now he came and just turned my world upside. My question is... does that mean something? The fact that I can see Jake right now and not give a shit, DOES THAT MEAN SOMETHING? 

But once again, who cares if it means something. Because he probably doesn't wanna talk to me again. And whatever that happened on Friday, is probably over and in the past for him. He is not going to care about how I felt when he looked at me with those beautiful eyes. He is not going to care how I felt when he kissed me either. He is a boy, he is not going to care about anything, just like all of them. Because that's what guys do, they just don't care. Yes, he talked to me the next day to say sorry for being so drunk. He didn't say anything else. Ok, cool. What can I do? Wait for him to talk me again just like I used to do with every single asshole? Naah, what a waste of time. I can't even talk about this with my friends because I know what they are going to say: "it was just a kiss, and he was drunk". I know they are going to say that because that's also what my mind says. All of the previous sweet things before the kiss just fade away and all I'm left with is nothing.  N O T H I N G. Absolutely nothing. Is it surprising? Not at all. Is it unexpected? Please, no. Is is disappointing, is it frustrating? Maybe. Does it hurt? A little. Or maybe more than a little.

I know that at least it happened, unlike with Sam or Morgan or whoever. At least there was a moment where I had him. It didn't last for long, but it is something. The problem is, once you get a little, all you want is MORE. It is like when you are hungry and someone gives you a bite of a McDoanld's burger, just ONE SINGLE BITE. After that, your stomach is going to realize that it is hungrier than what your brain thought it was, and it is going to ask for more. Sadly, every single organ in our body works that way, including our heart. We get a little, and want M O R E. Is it ever enough? No! The more you get, the more you want. "There's something about the possibility, of more. More tequila, more love. More anything. More is better. There's something to be said about a glass half full, about knowing when to say when. I think it's more of a floating line, a barometer of need. Of desire. It's entirely up to the individual, and it depends what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless... all we want is more". And there you go, if Meredith Grey said it, now you probably believe me.

How do I feel after writing this post? Exactly the same. Because there is nothing to analyze here, nothing to think about. This is not about possibilities, not about fate, not about chances. I don't even know what this is about. I don't know where I'm going with this either. And the worst thing is that the problem is myself. I need to be able to make out with guys without falling in love with them later. I need to be able to handle those eyes, those smiles, those hands, those.... I JUST NEED TO FUCKING DEAL WITH THOSE THINGS. I can't write a post like this every time a playboy grabs my hand, takes me somewhere else, and kisses me. I need to be strong.

But the final, and most important question, after everything you've just read, after everything that has happened, after all of the stupidity I have just admitted... the question is... do I like him?

........ ........ ........ ........

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Just In Case Someone Needs Help



Seriously, I know how it feels to feel trapped in a world you don't belong, without knowing where to go. But there's no storm that lasts forever, the sun always shines eventually.

Hit The Lights - Selena Gomez



It's the boy you never told 'I like you'
It's the girl you let get away
It's the one you saw that day on the train
But you freaked out and walked away

It's the plane you wanna catch to Vegas
Things you swear you'd do before you die
It's the city of love that waits for you
But you're too damn scared to fly

Hit the lights
Let the music move you
Lose yourself tonight
Come alive
Let the moment take you
Lose control tonight


It's the time that you totally screwed up
Still you're tryna get it out your brain
It's the fight you had when you didn't make up
It's the past that you're dying to change

It's all the money that you're saving
While the good life passes by
It's all the dreams that never came true
‘Cause you're too damn scared to try.

It's a mad, mad world
Gotta make an escape
It's a perfect world
When you go all the way
Hit the lights
Let the music move you
Lose yourself tonight

Necesitaba irse lejos para volver a empezar

A Picture is Worth A Thousand Words


I am literally living la vida loca.

These pictures are from Saturday night, I went to a birthday party with all of my friends. The blonde girl is one of my best friends, Val.

But Friday night was the real deal. It was the craziest night of my life, I've never had SO MUCH FUN before. It was awesome. I kissed Baby yayyyyy!!!

Anyway, I AM LOVING LIFE.