Tonight

Saturday night looked like it was going to be an amazing night and I didn't end up crying just because I had to pull it together.

It was the first party for seniors (there's one every month) and with my friends we had to go as sexy clowns. We sort of looked like whores, but whatchu gunna du? Anyway, so my boys were all gonna be there, so at least something had to happen with one of them.

We all were in the same bus, all of my friends, the girls from the other class, and the junior guys (including Robert). When we were going to the party, Charly started kissing me on my cheeks, and then he tried to kiss me on my lips, twice. Both times, I turned my face around to stop him, and I said "NOT NOW". Since he has a BIG EGO, he turned around and started making out with another girl, in front of me.

Then I saw Robert, and he didn't even say hi to me, and he ended up making out with some other girl.

And then Charly made out with another girl and he came to me and said "You deserve it", like "now I'm with someone else MUAHAHAHA" you fucking idiot.

All I wanted him to do was have a little bit of respect for me and treat me like a lady. He never did that which is why I'm so upset.

It's like everything is going wrong. And then Val chatted with Robert's friend and he said that Robert didn't really care about me, he just kissed me because I was looking for him.

I spent the whole day crying today because it hurts, it really does, and nobody understands me. But what I was trying to do was to cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it, you know what I mean?

I HATE BOYS.

But at least I had fun with my friends, we looked sexy, and I danced a little bit.

Cold As You - Taylor Swift

 

 

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Forget Him, Remember Me

Yes, time to admit it. What am I waiting for? He is a jerk, and he is not gonna change. Not now. I mean, if a guy didn't show interest in you the first few days, then it means he is never gonna be interested, specially if he made out with someone else when he had the chance to do it with you, or when he is online but doesn't even say hi. Then yes, he is a jerk. But I'm a girl, and I was taught with Disney movies that guys can prince charming, therefore I believe that every single one of them is a good guy, when the truth is, prince charming is one in a million. But I still have faith, so I hope, and I expect too much from these kids. Very innocent, actually. I think I should start paying attention to the signs life is giving me, showing that I should just lose faith in guys. And that's what's happening, I'm losing faith with every single broken heart, with every single jerk.

98% of it it's my fault, let's face it. I made out with him twice and then I thought he was gonna fall in love with me just because he gave me one of the most amazing kisses ever. That's stupid. He used me, I'm older so he thought he was gonna fool around with me and fuck with my feelings and emotions. And as far as I wanna kiss him again and give him another chance, deep inside I know that I gotta let him got before this is all too much. But it is not really about forgetting about him. It is more about remembering myself. Because I gotta love me more than any other guy will ever do. And he can grab my hand and kiss me and look at me with those beautiful eyes, but I have to be strong, and I have to say no.

Yesterday he didn't even say hi to me in school, how weird (sarcastic). That made me sad, after what happened on Friday night I just thought he was gonna have a little bit of respect for myself and come and say hi. But he didn't. It was frustrating and that pretty much ruined my day (and some other things too). When I came back home, my friend Nick gave me the most amazing piece of advice ever, and that was exactly what I needed to wake up from that dream where I thought Robert was a good guy. He told me that the guy is just a jerk, he's always been that way, and that I can never lose myself or stop loving myself for a guy like him. That I need to be a little bit harder on him, and make him fight for me and see if he is really willing to do it. Then I said that my biggest fear was that if I stopped being easy with him, then he would just leave, because no matter what an ass-whole he is, I don't want our last kiss to be out last. I still want more intense kisses. I don't wanna give them up. But my friend told me that I was being stupid, because if he wouldn't fight for me a little bit, then he is not worth my time, my tears, or my kisses.

And then I talked to Robert's friend, who is also my friend, and I was telling him that I decided to start having more dignity and only hook up with boys who show to be interested in me and who are willing to fight for it, and he said "oh, so let's dismiss Robert then", meaning that he is not that kind of guy, or that he is only interested in hooking up, nothing else. You have no idea how much that hurt. But at least now I know his friend is gonna tell him what I told him, and if he really wants me, he is gonna do something about it, which is what I hope, but do not expect at all. I'm sure he gonna be like "whatever" and he is gonna go find some other girl.

But you know, that's fine. I mean, it's not fine, but everything happens for a reason. It is sort of frustrating, but I gotta love myself first before I love anybody else. And if he is not respecting me, it is my fault, because I allowed him to do that. I didn't respect myself and therefore he was gonna do the same thing. But... I know he liked it. I know that it was a waaaaaaaaay better kiss that the one he had with the other girl. I mean, he is probably not gonna admit it, but I know he is gonna miss me on Friday nights. Like, seriously? 40 minutes making out without stopping. You have no idea how passionate was that. It was amazing.

I don't know what's gonna happen in the future anyway, but at least I committed myself to make him respect me and at least pretend to like me a little bit.

GIRLS SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE PRINCESSES. DON'T EVER LET A GUY DO WHATEVER HE WANTS WITH YOU.

And what do I want? I want him to need me.

PS: This post was half written when I was super sad and upset, and the other half when I realized I was being dramatic and that "it's me before dicks". you know what I mean?

Tonight

Well well well... let's talk about Friday Night. From the very beginning.

I went to the same night club where I made out with Robert a week before. It was me, Jousefa, and all of my friends. Jousefa has a thing with one of Robert's friends, who is also my friend, so she was obviously going to make out with him. And I was also expecting to make out with Robert, not just because I think he is hot, but also because the first time we hooked up, I was a little bit... you know. Anyway, so when we got there we saw them, but once again, Robert didn't even say hi to me.

After a few hours I saw him dancing with another girl, and I think they were making out. Tears came to my eyes :( so I told my friend that I needed to go to the bathroom, but she didn't know why. I actually went to a little terrace in the back of the nightclub. I sat down there and I started crying and trying to call my other friend Val. She never answered because it was 3 Am so I just stayed there, and I could hear THIS SONG (click there if you wanna hear it) in my head.


After a few minutes, I saw ROBERT coming to the terrace with the girl, who happened to be a friend of mine (we are just acquaintances actually). I tried to clean my face a little bit, and then she came to me and asked me if I had seen her phone because she lost it, and he was helping her to look for it. She didn't know about Robert and I, so she came near me, and HE sat next to me. It was an awkward situation because I had no idea what the hell was going on, and I had tears in my eyes, and he was with her. Then two other friends came to help her, and one of them stayed with me later to talk because he was also sad about a girl. At some point, Robert left with the girl and went inside. 


Then the guy who stayed with me said that we should forget about everything, go inside, dance, and have fun. When we were going inside, I saw Roobert with two guy friends going to the terrace, so I told the other guy that I needed to go to the bathroom, but I was actually following Robert. I acted like I didn't see him and he grabbed my hand and asked me if I was Ok, and I said yes, and then he asked me what I was doing there by myself and I didn't really know what to answer so I just said that I was tired, and then he asked me the key question: QUERES IR A DAR UNA VUELTA? (do you want to go to walk around?), and I looked at him, knowing he had hooked up with someone else before and that she was not there anymore, and what did I say? Sadly and luckily, both at the same time, I said YES. So he grabbed my hand again, we walked through the whole night club and we went downstairs, to a place where nobody else was, and then yes, we made out for like 40 minutes without stopping, it was... intense hahahahahaha. It felt amazing.


But what happened? After 40 minutes he said he had to go with his friends, and he left me. I went upstairs and I saw my friend Jousefa with her guy, and he was being super cute, unlike Robert, and I felt bad because I felt used. So later, I met a german guy that I had seen before at the mall, and I ended up making out with him too for like 5 minutes. But just to let Robert know that he is not the only one who is playing with someone, he made out with another girl, ok... fine. I MADE OUT WITH A HOT GERMAN GUY YOU EFFING ASSHOLE. 


After that night, he didn't even talked to me. So yes, he thinks I'm his dog and he can do whatever he wants with me, whenever he is bored, he is gonna look for me and he knows I'm gonna say yes because he knows I think he is hot. 


I mean, I could use him too. I still have X and Mason, so I could just make out with him whenever I see him and then forget about it, but the problem is that even if I try to do that, I know the more I make out with him, the more I'm gonna like him. I am not the kind of girl who can kiss a guy, see him in school every day, and then forget about it, because I know that's a game where I'm gonna end up losing. He is never gonna feel anything, but I know I will. So he is gonna fool around with my feelings, manipulate me, play with me, do whatever he wants with me, and then leave me like he did last night.

I wish I could have self respect and just let him go, but I don't think I can do that. And at the end of the day it is not really about him, it is about me. 

 "And my weakness is, that I care too much."

boys make me cry.

Younger Boys

For some reason I have always liked guys of my age or even younger. I was never really attracted to older boys for some reason. Jake is almost 2 years older, but he's only one grade higher in school so it's almost the same.

I did think a guy was hot a couple years ago, but he ended up with my friend, which is fine cuz she also thought he was hot, and I never liked him again, we are buddies now and its the coolest thing, because now I'm starting to fancy one of his friends who is sooooooooo hot in a young way (? I mean, he is obviously younger than me, but he is just... I don't know.

It's not that I LIKE him, I just feel attracted to him, two different things. He's gonna be called Robert. K bye.

UPDATE  FEBRUARY 25TH: I MADE OUT WITH HIM!!!!!!!

He Just Doesn't Give A Shit. Period.

So I finally saw X. It’s been almost two months since myfriend told me he texted her telling her he was starting to like me and Ifinally saw him like two weeks ago (I haven’t had time to post this earlier).

It was weird. That’s for sure.

I didn’t really know what to expect because everybody wastelling me he liked me and stuff, but he never really did anything except forbbm-ing (that verb probably doesn’t exist) me once. So I knew it was going tobe awkward to go to his house because he probably knew that I knew about himliking me or whatever, and I’m sure he also knew that I knew he knew about it(wtf?). Sounds confusing but you get my point. It’s like we both kneweverything, but nobody said anything so it was just… awkward.

Now… you must be wondering if he took the chance, since Iwas at his house, to do something. And the funny thing is that, no matter howexperienced, shameless, brave, and confident he looks, he barely talked to me.It was like I was not even there. He spent the whole night making the pizzasand then playing cards with some other friends, and he didn’t even say hi to me.After a few hours, I was at the pool with some other kids and he came and satnext to me and joined the conversation and helped me with my blackberry orsomething, but he never even tried to show me a little bit that he is trying toget with me. So it’s confusing because I don’t know if he lied to my friends,if my friends lied to me, if everything is some kind of joke, if he reallylikes me but I look like some kind of monster who is going to bite him orsomething, I don’t know what the hell is going on.

After I left his house the first thing my friend Jo saif tome was “What the hell is going on with X?” because he acts like he knows how todeal with girls and then he is scared to even talk to me.

But I have a whole new perspective on this type of stuff.After watching “He’s Just Not That Into You” and hundred thousand times, I amnot going to start trying to figure out what’s going on in his mind. If youlike me boy, come and tell me or do something to let me know how you feel. Ifyou don’t do anything, then you don’t like me. That’s how it works. If he actslike he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. So that’s how I’mgoing to look at this whole situation. And if he does give a shit but he’s tooscared to show it, which according to my new perspective that just CAN’T HAPPENbecause guys are not girls, then he has to show me somehow how he feels andfight for me. I know he’s hot, and he knows he’s hot, but doesn’t mean that Iam going to come for free, that easy. No, no. You like me? Show me. Fight for me. Talk to me. Flirt with me. I don’tknow, LIKE MY PICTURE ON FACEBOOK OR JUST DO SOMETHING. Do not tell the wholefreakin world that you like me so then they are gonna tell me about it, if youare not willing to DO SOMETHING about it.

So I hope I left things clear. And for now, there’s nothingbetween us and he just doesn’t give a shit. And I don't give a shit either. This is a non-shit-giving situation.

Afraid Of Love

I realized that I’m scared of boys. I want them when I don’thave them, and when fate finally brings them to me, I get scared and runaway.  It’s frustrating and it makes mehate myself.

What happened was something that anybody who reads my blogis going to believe: Mason asked me out to the movies. I don’t know if he didit on a friendly way or what, but he is showing pretty clear signs and I thinksomething might happen soon. He texted me, chatted me, he even bbmed me. The thing is… the moment when he asked me out,even though I got super excited on the outside, something deep inside startedto feel uncomfortable and I started to wonder if he is the guy I really want,if I really like him, if he’s what I think he is, etc, etc etc. Bullshit.Because I do like him, and even though he is not perfect, he is sort of what Iwant. The problem is that it scares the shit out of me.

The same thing happened with Jake. Months before he startedtalking to me I used to say he was the “perfect guy”. Then, out of nowhere, hefell in love with me and I started to have my doubts and I pushed myself tofind things I didn’t like about him. And of course, nothing happened, which ismainly my fault, because even though I always say he was the one who neverasked me out, I’m sure that even if he did ask me out, I would have foundexcuses not to go.

And then Mr X. Well, that’s a whole different story, buteven though I never really liked him, I did think he was also the “perfectboyfriend”, and then, also out of nowhere, the guy starts liking me and what doI do? Think about all of the reasons why I should not like him back.

So yes, I admit I am scared and that’s why I am foreveralone. But I know that deep inside I like the three of them, and I’m gonna haveto deal with my insecurities, other wise I’m going to miss out on three reallygood guys.  

I Got 99 Problems, But A Guy Ain't One

When a girl likes a boy and he is dating someone else, she tends to hate him and say he is a jerk. Why?

I was just telling my friend that I went to Morgan's girlfriend Facebook profile, and how he wrote all of these cute things on her wall, and how depressing it was to read that, and her response was: "he is a dumb ass". I had million of words in my head to say, but dumb ass or jerk or jackass were not one of those. Why do we blame HIM for our own unhappiness? Yeah, they are not the ones hurting us, it is the situation. It is the FACT that it didn't work out with us, that it was not meant to be, that we were not the right girls, that fate didn't let it happen, that he chose somebody else, that SHE is better than us for him, that HE loves HER, not us. But it is not his fault. It is life in general, because sometimes shit happens. Sometimes, the guy we are madly in love with, is madly in love with someone else. Sometimes, it doesn't work the way we want it to work. Sometimes life can kick is in the ass really hard. And it might happen once, or it might happen ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And what can you do? Blame HIM. You know... I got 99 problems honey, but a guy ain't one. It is not Morgan the problem, it is me. It is the fact that I hate myself for having the chance and not doing anything about it. For having him, right there, in front of me, single, showing me some signs, and letting it go. It is the fact that every time I like a boy, he has to end up dating someone else. It is the fact that I always get guys that I don't want. It is the fact that I am forever alone and the closest thing to a guy that I have is my new One Direction shirt with the names of Liam, Niall, Zayn, Louis, and Harry. And it is obviously the fact that no matter how hard I try to forget about him, it only takes one simple look to fall for him all over again. But none of those facts are Morgan's fault. He is just a sweet guy trying to be a good boyfriend to his girlfriend. And I am just... me. A girl that probably didn't mean anything to me, and never will. Because that's what I usually am to the guys I like: NOTHING. And that's what hurts the most.

Can I live without him? Of course. Life goes on. But nobody can take away that pain of seeing him in the hallways everyday and wondering what could have been, and that maybe, those sweet things in his girlfriend's wall could have been said to me.

But he... he is not a dumb ass. He is great, as far as I can tell. And that makes me feel even worse.

Cody 2.0 & JT

In a matter of 3 or 4 days I've found two more guys to add to my list to impossible crushes and loves of my life.

One of them happens to be called Cody. He is blond. He is hot. And I found him outside school talking to his friends, right in front of my bus. The first time I saw him I was like OMG. The second time I saw him, I was like O M F G . Yes, he is hot. I came back home, did some research on Facebook, and found out his name. When I went to his profile, I saw that the first 15 pictures were of him making out with a girl. Apparently he is dating someone, they have been dating for a year or something. Whatever. He is still hot.

The second one is a new guy in my math class called TJ. This is actually kinda funny. First of all, he sits two rows next to mine, a sit behind mine. You can tell when someone is looking at you, and I could tell he was looking at me, so I was like "uhmm who is this guy". Today I actually walked the same way he was walking after class, and he knew I was behind him, and he seriously turned around like three time to see him. Of course I pretended not to realize I knew he looked at me, but he did. He is kinda cute. I mean, he is not the the hottest guy on earth, but he is cute. The only thing I knew about him was that his last name started with Z, because he sits behind my friend whose last name starts with Z. So I went to my friend's Facebook and tried to look for everybody with a last name starting with Z. Couldn't find it. Went to somebody else's Facebook, and could not find it. So I decided to look at the 1200 friends he had, I mean, go one by one and only click on the ones whose last names started with Z. Couldn't find it. The more difficult it was getting, the more I wanted to find him. So then I went to someone who has less friends, like 700. And YAY, I found him. He didn't have a lot of pictures, at least the ones he allowed non-friends to see. But at least I know his name now.

Yeah, well... that's pretty much it about these two new guys. The first one is like married, and the second one... WHO KNOWS. My math class is starting to get interesting with some guys in there. Let's try to make these two months interesting....

American Boys

Alright. So this is it. I am sick of this. Last week was this Mike whatever who kept texting me constantly. Now this new guy, who started talking to me as randomly as Mike, said that I am pretty and that he wants to get to know me. I mean, first of all, you don't say that to a stranger if you don't wanna creep the hell out of them; start being friendly first. And never ever say to some random girl that she is pretty and that you wanna get to know her (or at least do it in a super original way, without using the words "i wanna get to know you", that is just retarded). What you gotta do is talk to her, be friendly, flirt a little bit, but do not be that direct because that is just not natural. I know that's the way American guys work, but I am from another country where we do things differently, and this whole technique of telling a girl she is pretty out of nowhere is annoying me. Specially because it always happens with guys I don't like, and I would never ever like. Step by step boys, STEP BY STEP.

Guys should flirt with girls in a classy way, not trashy. And trashy is when they jump straight to the pool without even knowing if there's water in it. I mean, if you tell a girl without even knowing her that she is pretty and that you wanna get to know her, you have a small chance that she probably wants to do the same thing, but most of the time they are not going to be as interested as you, and by doing that creepy move, you are just making them feel waaaay less interested. You gotta know them first, without letting them know that you are trying to get to know them. You gotta do it naturally. You gotta be spontaneous, unexpected, funny, a little bit charming, and friendly. After that, you can tell the girl you like her, but do not give her your number when she hasn't asked for it, specially if she doesn't even seem to want your number.

So guys, let's try to make this a better world in terms of flirting and teen relationships. If you didn't really get my point, you should go to Europe or Argentina, where boys really know what they are doing, and know how to get a girl. Other wise, do not complain when girls say they want a British, Italian, or Aussie boyfriend.

But, I also gotta admit that sometimes, America guys can be the sweetest, cutest, and can maintain a real relationship for the longest time. And of course, American guys... ARE REALLY HOT. Right Morgan? Right Sam? Right hot-kid-that-I-saw-today-but-I-don't-know-your-name-yet? Right Kevin? Right Cody? Right dear seniors?

He has a girlfriend? So what? Soccer has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score ;)

Heart Breakers ? ? ?

So here is something I want to clear up.

When you really, really like someone who is not interested in you, NEVER EVER say that your crush "broke your heart".

First of all, your heart is not literally broken.

Second, real broken hearts happen when you LOVE someone, not just when you are IN LOVE with them (there's quite a difference there). So if you didn't really have a relationship with that person, then it is not a broken heart, it is disappointment and sadness, but that's it.

Third, if that person barely knows you, or if that person doesn't like you, believe me, they didn't break your heart. You can't be upset with them just because they don't wanna talk to you, or because they like someone else. You can't say "bitches fucking people over these days" just because she is not answering the thousand texts that you sent her. She obviously doesn't like you and you should have realized that after the fifth text man. You can't say she fucked you over just because she doesn't like you, specially when she never showed interest in you, she was just being friendly, but that's it. It is not her fault. I like Sam, he doesn't like me, he ignores me, and I'm not saying he is an asshole because of that. He doesn't even know what the hell is going on, and he just doesn't care, and he didn't do anything wrong. We need to stop thinking that just because we like someone, that person MUST like us back. We have no right to say that someone "fucks people over" just because things did not go the way we wanted to go. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY GUYS.

I liked a lot of guys who did not like me back, and I never treated them like they were some sort of shit. No, I understood. I get the fact that sometimes life doesn't go the way we want. This kid texted me a hundred times. I texted back a few times, but I don't like him at all, so after a few days I just stop texting back for him to realize what my true feelings are, because I did not want him to think that we had a thing or something. He kept texting  "hey". He still does! And yesterday he wrote on his BBM Status "bitches fucking people over these days smh", and I know it is for me because he had "BBMed" me like a few minutes before and I hadn't answered. I mean, am I really fucking him over? I NEVER EVER showed interest, it is not my fault that I don't like him, and that he is an annoying immature kid who doesn't know how to deal with girls.


Grow up!

UPDATE: THE KID KEPT ON TEXTING ME. IN FACT HE SENT ME 3 TEXTS SAYING "LOLA LOLA LOLA LOLA LOLA" AND WELL, I HAD TO BE MEAN AFTER THAT. I HAD NO CHOICE, HE WAS ANNOYING THE HELL OUT OF ME.

5 Things That I hate in Guys

• Guys who text all the time and are annoying
• Guys who don't talk to you unless is via any form of technology
• Guys who take pictures of themselves with their cell phones in front of a mirror (so fucking gay)
• Guys who who keep talking to you even when you clearly don't wanna talk to them
• Guys that are extremely romantic

it really sucks when the only person who can make you feel better is also the reason why you cry

Annoying Boys

Why is it that every time I like someone, he is the only one that doesn't give a shit about me, while every single boy around him stalks me and creeps me out and annoys me to death?

Let's start:

• Chris: the creepy, cheesy, and kinda gay sophomore who just doesn't stop talking to me, and is constantly writing on Facebook chat "hey whats up?". He probably chatted me 6 times already, and I never answer, and for some reason, he just keeps talking. It is making me wanna punch him.
• Mike: he is the only cute one right now that is bothering me, but he is extremely ANNOYING. Since he started texting me, he just does no stop! He texts me everyday, and when I don't text him back, he texts the exact same thing again just in case I did not read it or something, I don't even know why actually. If I don't text him back again, he chats me, and if I don't answer him there, he texts me again. OMG! If someone is not answering you, you don't have to try in every technological portal, you know. If the person does not wanna talk to you right now, or if the person is too busy doing something, no matter where you talk to them, they are still not going to answer you.
• Jason: he thinks we are like best friends, he texted me "I want to take you to grab lunch" the other day. He is probably the ugliest and weirdest thing in this world, and I just don't know how to let him know I am not interested. 

Those are just a few of these creepy little annoying kids in my life.

Meanwhile, I am here trying to forget about Sam, avoiding Morgan, blah blah blah.

It all sucks.