2011 Thank you

Just like last year I am going to write a brief description of each month. Overall, this was an amazing year. I did feel very, very empty in some situations, I missed my friends, I missed my life, at some point I really hated many things of this new world, but after all, I could not be more grateful for having this amazing chance. I got to meet so many cool people, and now I can say that a part of me belongs to this country. 2011 taught me a lot of things, but most important, it made me feel like a part of me is American not just because my dad was born here, but because now I have a history in this country, I had my crushes, my friends, my tears, my smiles, and my memories. 20 years from now I am not going to remember the people I didn't like, the moments I wanted to go back and party with my friends, or the essays that stressed me out... I am going to remember how proud I felt of myself, of doing it until the end, of not giving up, of overachieving my goal, of having the guts to go to an american school and speak out loud with my spanish accent, of learning another history, another language, and another culture, of learning how to survive in situations I would have never imagined I could get through. I am so thankful or this year because it was the most productive year of my life, I will never forget it, and most important, I will never regret a single thing of it. Thank you 2011.

January: the year started with 2 feet of snow, it was the first time that I could actually be in my house and have that much snow outside. School was alright, chemistry was starting to get really hard, I remember I did really badly on my mid terms, but it was ok. At the same time, I had volleyball with Morgan in our gym class, and Eryn was also there, so it was kinda perfect. I also met Cody this month.

February: The first marking period ended and I started my new elective, Entrepreneurship, were I made a new friend, Julie. My gym class was also divided into two, so I couldn't be with Eryn anymore, but I ended up with some popular kids like Elsa, Terri, Allison, and Katelyn, and of course, Morgan and his soccer friends. Nothing really happened though, but not having to get dressed for gym anymore was pretty cool.

March: Lexi was born, and my grandparents came to visit! It was also my birthday and I turned 16!

April: Health ended and now we had to pick new gym classes. My whole class was going to ADT (advanced weight training) but it was only for athletes, so I had to beg Mr Cicotelli to let me go to his class, and he was really nice so he said yes. It was my favorite gym class of all times. I was in a group with Elsa and Katelyn and Morgan was there every single there lifting weight. It was S E X Y. haha.

May: and it was finally warm after the snow of April! I had a lot of fun during this month. I finally felt like I belonged in my school. I loved my Italian class, entrepreneurship was pretty cool, the weight room was fun, and the other classes kept getting better and better. The only problem was my first oral presentation in English class for 40 minutes with Mary Ellen. It was awkward and I had never been so nervous in my life. Besides, the teacher and the other kids didn't make me feel better at all. But I got through it and it was alright.

June: It started with Kristin's Sweet 16 where I just had a lot of fun and I met thousands of people from my school. Then came Puerto Rico, where I fell in love with a stranger, dear Morocho. Then I came back, I had the finals, where I didn't really do that well, and then school was over. It felt kinda sad to finish school, because I was just starting to love it, but there was nothing I could do about it.



July: by far the worst month. My dad was upset with me because I didn't find a job so I didn't have my computer and I was basically in my house all day doing nothing. Just getting tan and going to the gym. Morgan started dating someone, so it was the month where I lost my chances with him, if I ever had chances. Argentina also lost the Copa America, which was S A D.

August: I got my computer back! This was the last time I talked to Jake, he asked me for my BB pin and told me to talk to him sometime and I never did, and then he never talked to me again. Nothing really interested happened, but I got my schedule for my Junior year, and I traveled to Cape May.

September: Junior year started, new classes, new classmates, new teachers, new everything. But the only thing that was not new, it was me and it felt awesome. This is the month where I met Sam and I had on a crush on him, which didn't really last that long. I really felt like I finally was part of that school, even if I had to walk those hallways alone. I also had my second oral presentation for history, and I was wreck of how nervous I was.

October & November: Nothing really happened, but it was an amazing month. I got an A+ for the first time ever on my essay, which was pretty cool. Even if nothing interesting happened, it was a good month, I just enjoyed every single day of my last months in America.

December: Well, the countdown begun. There were some issued with my parents, but I did not let that ruined my perfect year. It was a bittersweet month, I couldn't really believe I had only a month left. This was the month were I lost the bus like once a week, and it became traumatic for me because my dad would get pretty upset, but at the end of the day, it was funny. I started volleyball with my gym class, and I loved it! Not just because playing volleyball was fun, but also because I loved this class. Only 16 kids, any of them were popular athletes, which made it less awkward or intimidating, and they were all nice people. Then I found out about that kid in Argentina who likes me, and who knows, maybe something interesting might end up happening with hi, so far it is not important, but maybe in a couple of months it is going to be a big deal.

And that was my year. Maybe each month alone was not that important, but the year as a whole was amazing. I've grown like I had never grown before in my life.

Out Of My Head

Like I said on my previous post, I saw Morgan today and I remembered how I used to feel about him. And I realized that Sam will never be what Morgan was for me. He will never mean that much. In fact, he was out of school yesterday and today, and I felt happy he was not there. I felt relieved. I felt like I did not have to pay attention to anyone. I felt free.

He is hot. He is adorable. He has the perfect personality. He is perfect. But... it is not meant to be. I feel like what I like about him is more superficial rather than sentimental or emotional, and I realized that the reason why I started liking him (after saying multiple times in the past that he was ugly), is because I also always said that he kinda looked like Morgan. And since Morgan is not in my classes anymore, and Sam is in my math class, I instantly took him as a replacement.

But today I saw Morgan, and I also realized how it feels not to have Sam around, and yeah... Sam is HOT, but something tells me it is not meant to be, it is not worth it, and it is a waste of time. Actually, there is always something in my head telling me that nothing is going to happen, but sometimes, like in Morgan or Mason's case, there is also something else that tells me that even though there are no chances with them, it is worth the wait and the try. This time, I just feel like it is useless. Like I said, it is a replacement. And replacements are never as good as the original copies.

So as Morgan comes back, I'm sorry to tell ya Sam, but you are out.

It Felt So Real

Last night I had one of the most beautiful dreams ever. Yesterday when I was in Math class, a girl that sits next to me (she is not a threat or anything) did not know how to do something, and Sam turned around and explained her. That seriously made me love him even more. So last night I dreamed of that moment, the difference is that after he helped the girl, he started talking to me, and he was flirting with me, and he was saying jokes, and we were laughing, and I don't know, it was so cute... Nothing really happened in the dream besides that, but it felt so real... It felt like I had Sam for a few minutes, and I remember feeling extremely happy, and I wanted to wake up because I felt like my life was complete. I did not realize that it was actually a dream until I opened my eyes and reality was right there in front of me saying "HA HA HA it was only just a dream".

Life gave me Sam for a while, just to know how it feels being with him, to realize that I like him more than I think, and then took him away to remind me that even though we are only two sits away from each other in Math, he's still very, very far away.

You know when you are really hungry and someone gives you a very tiny piece of your favorite food, leaving you begging for more? Well, that's how I feel right now.

it really sucks when the only person who can make you feel better is also the reason why you cry

Them...

I know I'm supposed to let them go but...

Morgan, I wish you were single
Sam, I wish you were mine
Mason, I wish you were closer
Morocho, I wish you would come back to my life somehow

There, I said it. I love you all. 4 options, and none of them are available for me.

Cold As You - Taylor Swift

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause

I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and

wished them all away

And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you

And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you

Una de las partes más dificiles de la vida es decidir si alejarte o intentar un poquito más.

"Es el odio de quererlos tanto y no ser correspondidas" - Pop

The First Step Is Always The Hardest

I decided to forget about Sam, and that's what I'm doing. I stopped walking in the hallways where I know I'm gonna see him, I don't even look at him during math, I try not to talk about him, I don't look at him during lunch anymore, and I don't stalk him anymore. I feel proud of myself of how dedicated I'm being about it. I always said I was gonna let boys go, but I could never really do it. It's all about commitment. I committed myself to this, and now I'm doing it!

I posted a quote before this post that says: "To heal a wound, you gotta stop touching it". So I'm just gonna stop thinking about him, and PUF, someday, he is gonna be out of my mind for good. I mean, why would I bother waiting for a popular guy who only cares about popular girls when there are a thousand other cute boys? In fact, the day I decided to forget about Sam, this other cute boy started talking to me, and said I was hot. I don't know how I feel about him, but that's not the point. The point is that once you start working towards what you want, something good is gonna happen. In my case, another guy appeared. We can't always get what we want, but sometimes, we get something even better in return. 

So basically, the first step is admitting that you need to do something about it and start doing it, and I am already there. It is hard, specially because he is the funny kid of the class, and today he said something like "I'm happy I'm here. I was out yesterday. My fish died and I sorta had to take a personal day". I obviously could not ignore that: the way he said it was hilarious. Plus, he is really, really hot. And I love everything about him. Ok, enough. You got my point: I LIKE HIM. But like I said, I'm on the right track, and I know this time, I am gonna be strong enough. This time, I'll be braver, and I'll be my own savior. I'm not gonna wait for someone else to come and make me forget him. I'm gonna do it myself.

Hay que aprender que para sanar una herida, hay que dejar de tocarla.

It's scary how much you can hurt me without even trying

Take It Easy

Today I was talking to my best friend, Ramoncin, about my love life and boys and love and stuff. He made me realize how crazy I am. I've been taking all of the things about Sam, the guy from Puerto Rico, and Mason too serious. He told me to relax, and to stop feeling with so much intensity. When I am sad, I let the sadness take over myself, and when I am happy I let the happiness take over myself too. I don't know how to be relaxed, how to take everything easy, with calm, how to control my feelings. When a little thing happens, no matter how good or bad, I freak out, and it is whether the end of the world or the happiest day of my life. If Sam looked at me, I dance and jump for hours. If he avoided me, I cry and listen to Adele for a whole day. If Mason liked something on Facebook about me, I start to think he wants to marry me; if he didn't talk to me, I instantly think he doesn't like me anymore. What about taking everything with calm? How about if I stop freaking out about everything?

The problem is... being this heightened is part of who I am. It is not a physical thing, or a momentaneous emotion; it is my personality. I am known for being an intense person, and I don't know how to change that, because changing that would mean change my life style, my reactions, my everything. And I don't wanna change who I am, but I do need to relax, it's hurting me being so over-dramatic.

From now on, my goal is to take things easy. I know it is not gonna happen in one day or one month. It is gonna take a while, but I need to find a balance between who I am and what's normal and good for me. Getting obsessed with guys or other things it is not gonna take me anywhere. It is just gonna hurt me. I just gotta let it be.

So Close, Yet So Far Away

It kills me the way you ignore me.
It kills me the fact that you know I exist, but could not care less about my existence.
It kills me to have you right there, so close, but yet so far away.
It kills me that I lie to myself
Trying to find signs
Once again, trying to believe you feel the same way


It hurts me that this is never gonna happen
It hurts me that I will always be looking at you
And you will always be looking at somebody else
It hurts me that you don't notice me when I walk right next you
Specially when I walked the long way just to see your face


We belong to different worlds
And I am not strong enough to go to yours
I always wait for guys to come
And I always end up with boys I don't want
This story ain't gonna be different
And someday I'll leave without memories or stories about you 

That's enough.

I tried to write a poem to express my feelings like I used to do, but that doesn't work anymore. When I feel something, my mind just cannot wait for my inspiration to find the right words and put them together on a beautiful and romantic song. No. My mind needs to spit them out. So that thing above this, was my attempt of pretending to be Shakeaspeare, and it did not work. That's why I blog. Because I can just write whatever I want, the way I want it, without rules, without rhyme, without anything. Just the way I want it.

So going back to the point: I feel frustrated about Sam. You know how horrible it is to walk the long way just to see him, to have some kind of eye contact, to say hi, or whatever, and then walking next to him without him even realizing? You know how it feels to be completely ignored by someone? It definitely makes sense... just because we have math together doesn't mean he "knows me". He knows I exist, that's for sure; he just doesn't care about my existence, which is what hurts the most (and now that I don't wanna write a poem, the words naturally rhyme. See? that's my bipolar mind. Ok, stop).

Today I actually realized that I don't care about Morgan anymore. Now it is all about Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam.

The worst thing is that I still don't learn my lesson. I still misread the signs (like the other day when we were at lunch and he was looking at something over the zone where I was sitting, and I thought it was me). I still think he likes me just because Cupid aimed right this time. Guess what... he doesn't. Remember, if a guy likes you, he is gonna let you know about it. Cupid is still aiming at the wrong guys (those weirdos that I talked about the other day). Cupid still doesn't give a shit about who I like or who is right for me. Cupid better not exist cuz if I ever find that little pain in the heart, is gonna have serious issues with me.

Moving on... I am being sarcastic and funny, but I don't feel like that. Maybe I do, because at this point, after Jason, Jake, Mason, Morgan, and Sam I think I don't expect love to come to my life anymore, so I kinda just laugh it off.

But it still hurts, seeing him right there, so close, but yet so far away. Knowing that there's nothing I can do. Nothing that I am capable of. Knowing that once again, nothing is gonna happen. Knowing that no matter how many times I walk right next to me, he is never gonna care, and he is never gonna know.

Forever Alone II

Yeah well, apparently Mason is having a thing with a girl who is literally a whore. My friend saw them making out after school, but they are not dating, they were just hooking up, but whatever, it is kinda the same thing. On the other hand, I think Sam has a thing with someone else too, and even if he doesn't have a thing with anyone, he still doesn't give a crap about me, so same thing. Morgan is still practically married to that girl he was dating over the summer. Uhmm... I don't even talk to Cody anymore either. And now even Jake forgot about me and is dating someone. So yeah, I am the forever alone bitch.

The only person that talks to me are these weirdos. One of them invited me a few times to the movies, and invited me to grab lunch with him the other day. Is it so hard for him to understand that if I said "no" twice without re-scheduling is because I don't care about him? And then we have this other fucking creeper who stalks me, talks to me all the time, smiles at me like he is about to rape me, and tells me all the time that my profile picture on Facebook is pretty. At the beginning I was nice to him, but now I'm like "get the hell away from me".

Why do I get weirdos? Why do I get guys that I would never ever like? Even if those guys were the last men on Earth, I would rather die alone and virgin before giving these kids a chance. I know, I sound really mean. But I am tired, I am tired of this whole thing. I never get the hot guy, the cute guy, the sexy guy. I always get the weirdo who takes advantage of the fact that I am new and that I look like a nice person and starts creeping me out. They take advantage of me, and it is freaking insulting. Do I look like I wanna date someone as anti-social, creepy and weird as you? No! Why don't they go and ask the leader of the cheerleaders out? Because they know she is gonna reject them if they are not "normal". So that's when they think "oh, Lola is probably gonna say yes. She looks like she is nice. She wouldn't reject me". Seriously you jackass? Do I look stupid? Call me a bitch, you can say that my heart is like a rock, or you know what? You can say I don't even have a heart. I don't give a shit. I just want to get FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE the guy that I want. Not the ugly one who doesn't even have personality. (And don't get me wrong, when I say "normal", I mean a normal person. I love original people, I love outstanding guys, I love funny guy, I love unique guys, but between the limits or normality, you know what I mean?).

So I was watching the movie "Bad Teacher" with Cameron Diaz today, and the movies shows this nerd liking the popular girl who rejects him, and then Diaz said a quote that really helped me understand this whole thing:

"Okay, here's the deal, man. I cannot keep sugar coating this for you. This girl, is never gonna be interested in you. Never! You clearly have a rich interior life, with the poems and the whatever. But, she wants a guy like Ian what's his face! Ian Mental-bomb, the rapper? Yeah, he's a fucking mo-ron! But she doesn't care. She's superficial and her priorities are all fucked up! She likes him because he's hot dude. You...are sensitive. And that's not a compliment"  

Yeah, that's the thing. I like jerks. Jerks are hot. Jerks have this sneaky way of getting to your sensitive point. Somehow, they manage to say the right words that are gonna get ya. They are sexy, the look interesting, they look... they look like men. And I think that what most girls love, is to feel like a bad guy fell for them, like the hot guy is gonna become a good guy for them. And deep inside, they know it is not true, but they still like it. A relationship with those hot popular guys is like an adventure, we are taking the risk of getting hurt, of getting heart broken, and we love that. Yeah, I don't like poetry, I don't like it corny or cheesy, I don't like it romantic... I like it simple. I like it sexy. 

I am deeply sorry to all of those hearts that I broke. It was not my fault, just DON'T PUSH A GIRL'S BUTTONS. I don't care if I have to be single for decades, but I am going to wait for my Mason, for my Morgan, for my Sam, for my Jason. I am gonna wait for the guy I wanna have. I am not gonna be satisfied with the creepy one. No. I am gonna go get my hottie. Am I superficial? Maybe. Are my priorities fucked up? Yeah. Do I fall for hot guys? Hell yeah. And I don't care what anybody else thinks. But I reached the highest point of my calm side. Since 7th grade, awkward guys are asking me out and stuff. This is it. I am so not gonna get insulted by a bunch of weirdos. Hell no. I want to get the guy that I like. And you know what, hot guys are not always mean, or jerks. Hot guys also have a good heart. 

The thing is, I don't want a single candy. I want the whole box. And while I wait for the whole thing, I am not gonna enjoy the candy that fell from the sky. I am gonna fight for what I want. A cheap candy is never ever gonna be enough for me. 

 That's the reason why I am... FOREVER ALONE. 

PS: I sounded like a bitch the whole thing, and I hope someone can understand my feelings right now.

Today (From School)

So I'm in italian "working on a project" about italian transportation, which I don't feel like doing. This is a freshman class (I'm a junior), and I don't really know anybody so I'm working by myself. There's a guy that is really really hot, but come on, he is 14, he is a freshman.

Talking about boys...

Sam has the same lunch that I have, but he sits on the other side of the cafeteria. He always walks near my table to go buy food, so he knows where I sit. Today I went to my locker during lunch, and the door to the hallway is near his table. When I came back to the cafeteria, I look at his table to see what he was doing, and he was like standing up, looking to the area where I sit (he doesn't know anybody in that area). He was like looking for something, and it seemed like he could not find it, and then he turned around and he saw me heading towards my table, and he quickly turned around again, and out of nowhere, all of his friends in the table looked at me. I was like OMG. I might be overreacting and maybe nothing happened and he was just looking at a mosquito... I don't know, but I got excited in that moment... I know he doesn't like me though, I'm pretty sure about that. So I don't know what was that.

I saw Morgan a couple times, but I found myself looking for him less and less everyday. At the beginning of the school year I would actually walk longer ways just to see him, seriously, I would always be late for class. Now, I'd rather see Sam, or just walk a little less instead of seeing him. But I gotta admit that when I see him and we have eye contact, it is definitely worth it. It kills me to know that I could've had a chance with him last year and I totally screwed it up.

Anyway, nothing important happened today. It was a good day... I mean, not good, but it was the kinda day that I enjoy because I did not have presentations or anything like that.

Adios.

Boy, you are driving me crazy