Afraid Of Love

I realized that I’m scared of boys. I want them when I don’thave them, and when fate finally brings them to me, I get scared and runaway.  It’s frustrating and it makes mehate myself.

What happened was something that anybody who reads my blogis going to believe: Mason asked me out to the movies. I don’t know if he didit on a friendly way or what, but he is showing pretty clear signs and I thinksomething might happen soon. He texted me, chatted me, he even bbmed me. The thing is… the moment when he asked me out,even though I got super excited on the outside, something deep inside startedto feel uncomfortable and I started to wonder if he is the guy I really want,if I really like him, if he’s what I think he is, etc, etc etc. Bullshit.Because I do like him, and even though he is not perfect, he is sort of what Iwant. The problem is that it scares the shit out of me.

The same thing happened with Jake. Months before he startedtalking to me I used to say he was the “perfect guy”. Then, out of nowhere, hefell in love with me and I started to have my doubts and I pushed myself tofind things I didn’t like about him. And of course, nothing happened, which ismainly my fault, because even though I always say he was the one who neverasked me out, I’m sure that even if he did ask me out, I would have foundexcuses not to go.

And then Mr X. Well, that’s a whole different story, buteven though I never really liked him, I did think he was also the “perfectboyfriend”, and then, also out of nowhere, the guy starts liking me and what doI do? Think about all of the reasons why I should not like him back.

So yes, I admit I am scared and that’s why I am foreveralone. But I know that deep inside I like the three of them, and I’m gonna haveto deal with my insecurities, other wise I’m going to miss out on three reallygood guys.  

“I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that are concrete, like the ocean. Something you could point to and know what it was. I think that’s why she always struggled with God. And I think that’s why she also struggled with love. She couldn’t touch it. She couldn’t hold on to it and make sure it never changed.”

—	Carrie Ryan, The Dead-Tossed Waves

Stop Crying Your Heart Out - Oasis

 

Hold up... hold on... don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile, shine on
Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm

'Cause all of the stars have faded away
Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Surreal

I can't believe I have a week left in America. I can't believe this experience that I planned my entired life is almost over. Time goes by faster than we think, and one day we wake up and realize that everything is gone and everything is different.

The only thing certain that I've learned, is that everything changes. Pain doesn't last forever. Sometimes happiness decides to take a vacations a leave us a for a while. People come and go. Even love ends eventually. Everything changes, and now my life is going to change one more time. It feels surreal, and somehow, I still don't feel too many things about it, which is weird. I feel like I'm in denial and I still can't realize that I only have 7 days left and then everything is over, and a new beginning awaits me in Argentina. I still haven't even started packing yet because I feel like the moment you start packing is the moment where you start saying goodbye, and I want this goodbye to be a shortest as possible. I've been through it before, and I am not good at goodbyes, I feel like a little bit of me dies every time I have to say goodbyes to someone or something.

Yesterday I was talking to Isabella (my three year old sister) and I told her that I was going to go on a plane to Argentina, and she asked me if I was going to be back soon, and I didn't know what to say, because even though I am going to be back eventually, it is not going to be soon. And how can I be strong enough to tell my little sister that her big sister is not going to be back soon? How can I go through that without crying? "No one will ever understand how much it hurts" said Rihanna, and she was right. Sometimes nobody else can understand how it feels and you have to deal with it on your own.

But I made a promise to myself. I promised to be stronger, to be braver, to do it with attitude, and to deal with it. I promised to be my own savior. I am not going to rely on my family, friends, music, art, or whatever. I am going to save myself from pain. I want to be able to enjoy and let the pain go. We can't have it all, and sometimes it is hard to chose, but we need to be happy with our decisions. I still don't regret anything and I am going back full of hope and faith that this is going to be one of the best years of my life.

But before the Argentinian parties, and the joy of senior year, I have to pack, and go to that airport and say goodbye to the past 16 months. I want to leave with a smile, knowing that it was worth it. I want to take this experience as something amazing that happened to me, not as another reason to cry. I will miss everything, and this seriously became my second home, but it is time to go back and do the things I need to do, because sometimes, you gotta take a step backwards in order to take two steps forward.

So that's basically how I feel. I didn't even try to make sense with the words I wrote because there is something in me that doesn't make sense. It feels so B I T T E R S W E E T (and that's a word that I will probably use many times) and I feel far away from myself, like I don't understand anything and I am lost. It feels S U R R E A L, like it is not really happening. There are just 7 days left and I feel like that's an eternity, but it is actually one simple week.

Since I've been through this before, and since I know myself enough to know that I am not good at this, all I can say right now is... stay strong Lola. Every little thing is going to be alright.

"I'm afraid of water. Always have been. Something I've gotta get over sometime though, huh? So, I will swim in it"