Stop Crying Your Heart Out - Oasis

 

Hold up... hold on... don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile, shine on
Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm

'Cause all of the stars have faded away
Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Red Carpet Season

So the red carpet season has officially begun, and it is my favorite time of the year. Actually, it is my favorite time of the year when I'm in Argentina because right now it is the summer there, which means my life is all about vacations, friends, warm weather, an of course, the awards. I get obsessed with the dresses, the interviews, the speeches, the winners, the faces of the losers, the inappropriate jokes, and of course, the talent. But the real reason why I love the red carpet season is not because I love Hollywood, it is because it reminds me of my dream. It reminds me why I want to be an actress and a director, it encourages me to keep fighting for it no matter what, and it makes me feel like I can do it. Throughout the rest of the year I kinda forget, and I start looking for other dreams to accomplish, but the Golden Globes, the SAG Awards, and the Academy Awards, remind me who I want to be, and where I want to be; that I love acting more than anything else. Many people watch these awards to see the dresses and the stuff I mentioned before, and I kinda do that too, I mean, Vera Wang, Dior, and Zac Posen are reason enough to spend two hours watching the red carpet, but for me that's nothing compared to the moment when the presenter says the name of the winner. I just can't explain it. I can sorta feel how they feel and I dream that one day, that's gonna be me. Winning one of those awards is definitely the biggest and greatest goal in my life and in fact, I'm already preparing my speech, I've been doing it for 10 years actually and I'll keep on preparing it for the rest of my life until the presenter says my name and I get to say it in front of these talented people. I don't know when or how it is going to happen, but I feel like if I still have the same dream after so many years and after all I have been through, then I can still fight for it and accomplish it.

I don't want to be in Hollywood to be famous, I want to be there to be talented. I don't wanna be the most beautiful actress, I just want to be the most respected one. I don't care about having millions of fans, I just want to be able to make people cry or laugh with my performances. I don't care about knowing every single celebrity, I just want to work with good directors and actors like Woody Allen or Martin Scorcece. My dream is not about being in Hollywood anymore, now it is really about acting and being good at it, and that can be seen in my decision of going back to Argentina. I live close to New York, I had the chance to go to auditions, but instead, I decided to wait. To wait and get better. To wait and see the world. To wait and grow up. To wait and go through different experiences. I am too young right now, and I want to know about life, about people, and about myself before I can portray different characters and pretend to be in different situations. And I think I made the right choice. Next time I come to NY, I'm going to be ready to go to the best acting school, and do all of the things that I need to do to get to the top.

But always remember... AIN'T ABOUT HOW FAST I GET THERE, AIN'T ABOUT WHAT'S WAITING ON THE OTHER SIDE. IT'S THE CLIMB. And that's the first thing that comes into my mind when I'm watching the awards and when I'm watching the winners giving their acceptance speech. I used to dream about making it to the top as a teenager, but now I realize that as much as I would love to be in Los Angeles right now partying with Clooney and Pitt, it is not the right time for me in every single aspect. So I want to do the right thing, go step by step, and enjoy every minute of my life without thinking too much about the future, and someday, without even realizing how I did it, I know I'll make it there.

"Mostpeople live life on the path we set for them. Too afraid to explore anyother. But once in a while people like you come along and knock downall the obstacles we put in your way. People who realize free will is agift, you'll never know how to use until you fight for it. I thinkthat's The Chairman's real plan. And maybe, one day, we won't write theplan. You will" - The Adjustment Bureau

500 Days Of Summer

I had the chance to watch "500 Days Of Summer" million of times, but for some reason I never wanted to. I don't know why, it just looked like a weird movie.

Tonight, just like every Friday night, I was lying on my bed trying to figure out what to do with my night, in terms of which movie to watch or if I should eat M&M's or drink a coffee. Then I blogged about Morgan and how everything turned out to be exactly what I did not want to happen. And right after that, somehow, I decided to watch "500 Days Of Summer" and I have no words to explain how much I loved it.

Tom Hansen is the first male character that is a some kind of replica of myself. A Forever Alone, fate-believer, and obsessive romantic guy who just falls for this girl, Summer, too, tooooo hard. The problem is she doesn't believe in love, she doesn't want anything serious, and he respects that for a period of time. He is the perfect "buddy" for a while. They have fun, they laugh, and they are happy. Then he obviously gets sick of that, but still, she never really considers his feelings. Suddenly she starts acting differently, like she is not happy anymore with that sort of relationship they have. Then she breaks up with him and his life just breaks down. A few months later they see each other again at a wedding, and she acts like she still likes him and she invites him to a party. He goes, expecting to reconnect with her and get a second chance, but he instead, he finds out she is engaged. Yes, this is where the viewer hates Summer. What happened with her rejection to love and relationships and commitment? Why did she keep him waiting for her for so long if she was never going to make it serious, and then get married with some random guy she met? And then when he asks all of these things to her, she said something that of course, made me understand the whole movie: "One morning I woke up and I just knew it... what I was never sure of with you". She was not in love with him. The thing is, that doesn't mean it is the end, it is just the beginning. She found her match, one day, sitting at a park reading a book. And at the end of the movie, the viewer understands he finds his match too.

I've learned that "you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event". Yeah, it didn't happen with Morgan. Either with Jason, Jake, Cody, Sam, or the guy I met in Puerto Rico. And that kinda sucks, cuz it hurt a little bit. But I gotta look around, because I know that I am gonna find someone way better than all of them, who is not going to make me cry as much as these guys did. And that without Summer, Tom would have never met Autumn.

I've also learned that when you are in a relationship, you need consistency, you just need to know that one day they are not going to wake up and feel differently. No matter in which stage of the relationship you are, you just need to let the other person know that you'll be there. It might not last forever, but as long as you want to be with that person, whether as his girlfriend, friend, wife, or sex buddy, you need to let them know that you are not gonna leave. This is something Summer obviously doesn't do, and if you watched the movie, you might have realized that I quoted something Tom said to her.

I do disagree with something though: the idea of fate. The end of the movie says that there is no such a thing as fate. Well, I believe that depends. I'm a strong believer of fate, I would actually say it is my religion. And like Summer said, it was fate that she met that guy when she was reading the book at the park. And it was probably fate that Tom met Summer, fell in love with her, got heart broken, got encouraged to follow his career to be an architect, did not get accepted at any of the jobs he applied for, and finally went to that last interview where he met Autumn. Look at all of the things that had to happen for him to get to his final destination. Coincidence? It could be... but to be honest I'd rather believe I'm with someone because we are meant to be together, because the cosmos and God and nature did everything right in order for us to meet, rather than believe that I'm with someone for no reason at all. I mean, I want to believe that all of those times that I liked a guy and it did not work out was for a reason, that it was all part of a plan. I don't like the idea of knowing I cried for about 7 damn guys JUST BECAUSE. And what really matters is what we believe, because we will never find out who is the winner of the eternal battle between Fate and Coincidence, so whatever.

So anyway, I kinda just told the whole movie, but I do encourage you to watch it if you are the kind of person who is like me or Tom Hansen. Because sometimes we fall too hard for people, and it doesn't work, and we feel like it is the end of the world. But we need to learn that it is OK, life goes on, and if it didn't happen with that one person we thought we needed, it is because life is about to bring someone way better.

"For Tom to find her now in a city of 400.000 offices, 91.000 commercial buildings, and 3.8 million people, well that could only be explained by one thing: fate" - 500 Days Of Summer

Back In My Head

With all of the new guys I met this year, I forgot about Morgan. But it only takes one simple look to realize that I miss him, and another look to see him holding hands with his girlfriend and realize how much I like him. And when I say that I miss him, I don't literally miss him, because we barely talked. I just miss those chemistry classes, where even though if I knew nothing was going to happen, at least I had hope. I could look at him, and have him RIGHT THERE. Now fate took us apart, and we have no classes together, but I see him all the times in the hallways. I try not to pay attention when he comes by, but sometimes I just can't. And today, I had him right in front of me for a while when we were walking in the hallways, and I realized that there is nothing I can do to forget him, and nothing I can do to have him either, because he doesn't just have a girlfriend: he really, really likes her.

It also hurts because I am leaving in two months, and probably nothing is going to happen. I had faith that for once in my life, the ONE that I really wanted was going to at least friend me on Facebook. And I had faith that God was at least going to give me the chance to have something with Morgan, after all of the things that I've been through in the past year. But as usual... things did not go the way I planned them. And now I'm going to go back to Argentina, never talk to Morgan again, never see him again, and just forget I've ever felt something for him.

And you know what hurts the most? Knowing that at some point, I did have a chance with him, and I just didn't know it. There was a day, somewhere in November of 2010, where he was right in front of me, giving me the chance to do something, and I don't even wanna remember what I did because it literally makes me wanna commit suicide.

My options are forcing myself to let him go, wait and cry until he breaks up with his girlfriend (which is probably not going to happen in the next two months), or just embrace the fact that whatever is meant to be will work out perfectly. Like my favorite quotes says: "If you really need him, fate will bring him back. It might no be soon, but he'll be back"

"The problem with time, I've learned... eventually time always runs out. I have no idea where you are out there in the world John, but I understand that I lost the right to know these things long ago. No matter how many years go by, I know one thing to know as true as it ever was. I see you soon then"

11/1/11

How can I get what I want, if I don't really know what I want?

So today it was 11/1/11 so I wanted to make a wish at 11:11 and when I thought about it, I realized that I don't know what I want.

First of all, girls usually like one boy and they are in love with him. I always say how much I like my boys, but there are 4 of them. I am not supposed to like 4 boys. I am supposed to stick to one. I wish Morgan was single, I wish Sam talked to me, I wish Mason lived closer, and I wish I could see Morocho again. I just cannot stop thinking about them, but at the same time, if I really liked one of them, I would not be crushing over the other ones right? Deep inside I know I want only one. Maybe I am scared to admit that I am still waiting for Morocho, and I know he is never going to come. Or maybe I know Sam will never talk to me, which is why I don't admit he is the one I really want. Or maybe it is Morgan, who is dating someone else. Or maybe it is Mason, but I don't wanna like someone on the other side of the world. So who is it?!

On the other hand, I am between two different worlds: Argentina and the USA. When I am in Argentina, I wanna be in America. When I'm in America, I wanna be in Argentina. When I am about to go back to the other place, I wanna stay. And when I still have a few months ahead in one of these countries, I wanna go back. So I did not want to wish for a place either, because I hate both, and I love both at the same time too.

At the end of the day, I should just wish to be happy, to accept life as it comes, to stop trying to look for the right guy, but wait for him to find me. To stop trying to go to different places and just enjoy one. To stop planning about the future if I've learned the lesson that nothing is like we plan it and to stop remembering the past if I know there is nothing I can do to change it or bring it back to my life. I should also realize that most of the time, those wishes that we make at 11:11 or at shooting stars, usually do not come true. It is a matter of fate, not a matter of chance. The thing is, I am ready for destiny to finally bring what I deserve. I am tired of waiting, I just want to find something that makes it all worth it. Something to look forward everyday. It doesn't matter if it is Morgan or Sam anymore. It doesn't matter if it is in Argentina or America or Europe. It doesn't matter if I am gonna end up being an actress, a director, or a freakin elementary teacher. Because no matter how it happens, I gotta believe that it is gonna be at the right time, at the right place, with the right person, and for the best reason. And maybe, just maybe, the right time is soon, the right place is Paris, the right person is Sam or Morgan or Morocho, and well... the reason is not hard to guess. Or maybe it is gonna happen in a thousand of years, with someone I don't even know yet, in the middle of Peru. But who cares. God always has a better plan, even better than the one we had for ourselves. And we gotta believe it is for the best reason.

So I'll stop making wishes. I will stop crying for the things that I do not have. And I will start smiling for the things I have right in front of me.

Well... at least I will try to do so.

"Some people are meant to fall in love with each other. But not meant to be together"

"Es el odio de quererlos tanto y no ser correspondidas" - Pop

Start All Over

Sometimes I feel like I cannot find the meaning of life... I mean, like nothing makes sense, like everything goes wrong, like everything is happening the way it is not supposed to happen. I try to be positive, but sometimes life just disappoints me. The problem? Me. I expect too much. For some reason I am not the kind of person that just let things flow. I don't enjoy whatever life brings, I look for the things I want. For example, I like Sam, so that's all I want. If another guy comes, I am not even gonna pay attention because I want Sam. And apparently, it is not meant to be with Sam, but I don't care, I still like Sam. And I am gonna wait for Sam. And Sam is gonna be the Sun of my solar system. Sam is gonna be everything. But nothing is gonna happen with Sam. And then I end up like I am now. Disappointed. Frustrated. Depressed.

I need to understand that things are never the way we want them to be. Life and fate do what the hell they want with us, and that is the way it is supposed to be. I need to back up, relax, just enjoy every second even if nothing special is going on. Because at the end of the day, fate is always right. We might not be able to see that now, but eventually we will, like Steve Jobs said: "It was impossible to connect the dots when I was in college, but it was very clear ten years later. You cannot connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect your future. You have to trust in something, your God, destiny, life karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road, will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well known path. And that will make all the difference". 


I just gotta think that everything is gonna go the way it is supposed to go, the way it is gonna be best, at the right time, at the right place, with the right person, and for the BEST REASON. 

So I wanna start all over. Tomorrow I'm gonna go to school, and I am not gonna walk the way where I know I'm gonna see Sam or Morgan; I'm not gonna be spying at Sam while we are in lunch. I am not gonna wait outside Astronomy class just to see Sam when he goes to physics. I am not gonna do all those crazy things. I am gonna be normal. If it is supposed to happen, if I really need Sam, fate will bring him back; it may not be soon, but he'll be back. Believe in the unexpected.

We'll Always Have Puerto Rico

I am still obsessed with the guy I met in Puerto Rico. Just remembering that night, next to him, in the same elevator, with he beautiful view of the ocean, just makes me wanna run to the state of New York and knock the door on every single house and look for him.

I know I don't even know him, but just meeting him made me believe that love at first sight does exist. I said a lot of times that if it is meant to be, fate will bring him back, doesn't matter where or when, but I know that somehow, he will be back. What hurts the most, is that meanwhile, I'm just gonna be here, waiting and wondering what could have been if I didn't look like crap that day on the elevator, or if I could have met him somewhere else and have the chance to talk to him a little bit more.

If I had to make a wish right now, I would ask just to have the chance to see him someday and see if he is really worth it. I mean, I'm in love with an illusion, and that happens to a lot people: falling in love with someone just for what we think they are, when they are actually something totally different. My point is that that might be happening to me, but all I know for sure right now is that I still cannot get him out of my head. It's been a while, like 3 months so far, and I still remember him everyday. Every time I go somewhere and I see a brunette guy with those beautiful eyes he had, for one second I think that it might be him.

I've been studying in astronomy how far planets and stars are from each other. For example, Mars is 56 million miles away from Earth, it would take us decades to get there with the most sophisticated transportation ever. Thinking about that, makes me think that he is not that far away: I'm in the state of New Jersey, and he is in the state of New York, so if God really wanted us to see each other again, I know it wouldn't be that hard for it to happen. In the movie "The Adjustment Bureau", which is one of my favorites, they say "there are 9 million people in this city, you are never gonna find her. Move on with your life". That's true, but the guy ended up finding her because it was the way it was supposed to be.

Other wise, I can just hold on the fact that... We'll Always Have Puerto Rico.