Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I can't believe I have a week left in America. I can't believe this experience that I planned my entired life is almost over. Time goes by faster than we think, and one day we wake up and realize that everything is gone and everything is different.
The only thing certain that I've learned, is that everything changes. Pain doesn't last forever. Sometimes happiness decides to take a vacations a leave us a for a while. People come and go. Even love ends eventually. Everything changes, and now my life is going to change one more time. It feels surreal, and somehow, I still don't feel too many things about it, which is weird. I feel like I'm in denial and I still can't realize that I only have 7 days left and then everything is over, and a new beginning awaits me in Argentina. I still haven't even started packing yet because I feel like the moment you start packing is the moment where you start saying goodbye, and I want this goodbye to be a shortest as possible. I've been through it before, and I am not good at goodbyes, I feel like a little bit of me dies every time I have to say goodbyes to someone or something.
Yesterday I was talking to Isabella (my three year old sister) and I told her that I was going to go on a plane to Argentina, and she asked me if I was going to be back soon, and I didn't know what to say, because even though I am going to be back eventually, it is not going to be soon. And how can I be strong enough to tell my little sister that her big sister is not going to be back soon? How can I go through that without crying? "No one will ever understand how much it hurts" said Rihanna, and she was right. Sometimes nobody else can understand how it feels and you have to deal with it on your own.
But I made a promise to myself. I promised to be stronger, to be braver, to do it with attitude, and to deal with it. I promised to be my own savior. I am not going to rely on my family, friends, music, art, or whatever. I am going to save myself from pain. I want to be able to enjoy and let the pain go. We can't have it all, and sometimes it is hard to chose, but we need to be happy with our decisions. I still don't regret anything and I am going back full of hope and faith that this is going to be one of the best years of my life.
But before the Argentinian parties, and the joy of senior year, I have to pack, and go to that airport and say goodbye to the past 16 months. I want to leave with a smile, knowing that it was worth it. I want to take this experience as something amazing that happened to me, not as another reason to cry. I will miss everything, and this seriously became my second home, but it is time to go back and do the things I need to do, because sometimes, you gotta take a step backwards in order to take two steps forward.
So that's basically how I feel. I didn't even try to make sense with the words I wrote because there is something in me that doesn't make sense. It feels so B I T T E R S W E E T (and that's a word that I will probably use many times) and I feel far away from myself, like I don't understand anything and I am lost. It feels S U R R E A L, like it is not really happening. There are just 7 days left and I feel like that's an eternity, but it is actually one simple week.
Since I've been through this before, and since I know myself enough to know that I am not good at this, all I can say right now is... stay strong Lola. Every little thing is going to be alright.