Out Of Control

So I'm leaving in three days. My life is a mess right now. First of all I'm stressed out and I feel lost because of the fact that I am moving to another country and that just makes me feel weird. Then I had to say goodbye to my whole family today, which was sad. Third, I still haven't packed yet. Fourth, I am tired, physically tired and I know it is because of how stressed out I am. Fifth, I've just talked to my mom and she didn't even ask me how I'm feeling about it and she was in some sort of bad mood. Sixth, I needed to talk to my dad about some school papers, and some other things that I need to get done before I leave and he was too busy playing a computer game with friends, and he told me leave the papers in the kitchen, that he was going to take care of them later, he pretty much kicked me out of his room. Seventh, my friends have no clue how this whole experience feels, and all they talk about is what we are going to do when I get there (even though it is a couple of days from today, I'm still on the other side of the world, I couldn't care less what I'm going to do when I get there, I'll see later). Eight, I need to talk to someone about all of these weird feelings, and nobody seems to care or understand. Ninth, my room is a mess, and that makes me feel even crazier. Tenth, my hair a is mess because I didn't put a special cream after shower, so I need to get it done before I go to bed, and that's gonna take me at least 30 minutes. Eleventh, I am still going to school until Tuesday, and I have some sort of quiz in math tomorrow. twelfth, before I leave I gotta go to the doctor and send my Argentinian exams. Thirteenth, on Tuesday is my dad's bday and I still haven't got him a card. Fourteenth, I need to go to the mall to Sephora to buy make up that I can't get in Argentina.

Overall, everything is out of control right now, and I don't know where to start to fix everything. I love traveling, but I hate this period of saying goodbye, packing, enjoying my last days, and those things. It stresses me out, and it is really sad for me to handle it alone. This time I promised myself to be strong, because this is the life I got, and it is divided in two whether I like it or not. I'm always going to have to say goodbye to one part of my family in order to say hello to the other part since my parents live in two different hemispheres, so I just need to get over that and stop crying every time I leave the States or Argentina, other wise I'm going to end up emotionally destroyed.

So well, I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up next week in Argentina. No more packing, no more goodbyes, no more hellos, just wake up in my normal life in Argentina because this is stressful as hell.

Well, I need to start putting my life together so goodnight.

Surreal

I can't believe I have a week left in America. I can't believe this experience that I planned my entired life is almost over. Time goes by faster than we think, and one day we wake up and realize that everything is gone and everything is different.

The only thing certain that I've learned, is that everything changes. Pain doesn't last forever. Sometimes happiness decides to take a vacations a leave us a for a while. People come and go. Even love ends eventually. Everything changes, and now my life is going to change one more time. It feels surreal, and somehow, I still don't feel too many things about it, which is weird. I feel like I'm in denial and I still can't realize that I only have 7 days left and then everything is over, and a new beginning awaits me in Argentina. I still haven't even started packing yet because I feel like the moment you start packing is the moment where you start saying goodbye, and I want this goodbye to be a shortest as possible. I've been through it before, and I am not good at goodbyes, I feel like a little bit of me dies every time I have to say goodbyes to someone or something.

Yesterday I was talking to Isabella (my three year old sister) and I told her that I was going to go on a plane to Argentina, and she asked me if I was going to be back soon, and I didn't know what to say, because even though I am going to be back eventually, it is not going to be soon. And how can I be strong enough to tell my little sister that her big sister is not going to be back soon? How can I go through that without crying? "No one will ever understand how much it hurts" said Rihanna, and she was right. Sometimes nobody else can understand how it feels and you have to deal with it on your own.

But I made a promise to myself. I promised to be stronger, to be braver, to do it with attitude, and to deal with it. I promised to be my own savior. I am not going to rely on my family, friends, music, art, or whatever. I am going to save myself from pain. I want to be able to enjoy and let the pain go. We can't have it all, and sometimes it is hard to chose, but we need to be happy with our decisions. I still don't regret anything and I am going back full of hope and faith that this is going to be one of the best years of my life.

But before the Argentinian parties, and the joy of senior year, I have to pack, and go to that airport and say goodbye to the past 16 months. I want to leave with a smile, knowing that it was worth it. I want to take this experience as something amazing that happened to me, not as another reason to cry. I will miss everything, and this seriously became my second home, but it is time to go back and do the things I need to do, because sometimes, you gotta take a step backwards in order to take two steps forward.

So that's basically how I feel. I didn't even try to make sense with the words I wrote because there is something in me that doesn't make sense. It feels so B I T T E R S W E E T (and that's a word that I will probably use many times) and I feel far away from myself, like I don't understand anything and I am lost. It feels S U R R E A L, like it is not really happening. There are just 7 days left and I feel like that's an eternity, but it is actually one simple week.

Since I've been through this before, and since I know myself enough to know that I am not good at this, all I can say right now is... stay strong Lola. Every little thing is going to be alright.

Today

I only have two weeks left in America and finally, it is starting to feel real. I am starting to feel what I felt when I came in 2010 and I have to admit that saying goodbye it is probably the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I've been through this before, and all I can ask for is to be able to handle it better. I promised I was not going to cry, because when you cry it's like you make the pain official, and I don't want to feel pain (even though I will). I just want to enjoy what is yet to come on 2012. It hurts, it really does, but I can't say how happy I am I was able to go through this experience. It was one of the most beautiful things that happened in my 17 years of life. And even though it hurts to say goodbye, I don't regret my decision. Life is what we make it, according to Hannah Montana, and I am determined to make it happy and enjoyable. I am really scared about what the future has for me, and I hope I can come back to the states after college and live in New York or Los Angeles, go to grad school or whatever, and do what I want to do. And most important, be able to do all of those things as an adult looking back at my teenager years with joy, not with regrets.

So there is only two weeks left, and it is going to get harder and harder, but all I can do is enjoy every single second of those weeks, and do everything I was not able to do before.

Goodbye 2011

Well, I'm in the middle of dinner in my house with a bunch of people so I'm gonna take a couple of minutes to write the last post of 2011 in this blog that became my best friend during this year.

I need to say thanks to my loyal 10 followers who comment, advice me, and make me feel like I'm not alone every time I have a problem. So I really appreciate it. I know you guys all around the world so some of you are already in the future, in 2012, while I'm still stuck in 2011 for two more hours, but no matter where you are, I wish the best for this new year. I hope you all make wishes for the next 12 months, and I really hope you start them with happiness and joy.

Then I wanna say Happy New Year to my family and friends, even though they don't read this. But they all mean the world to me, thank you for being part of my life. To my family, thank you for giving me everything I needed in 2011, and to my friends, thank you for being there even though I was on the other side of the world. Thank you for showing me how much you love me, for helping me with every single stupid drama, and thank you for supporting me always.

And then I wanna say thanks to America. Thank you for having me this whole year. I hated you, I loved you, I enjoyed you, and you taught me millions of things about life that I will never forget. 2011 was definitely a strange but amazing year studying abroad in this country, and no matter how many ups and downs I have had, I will never regret anything. THANK YOU AMERICA.

And well people, I wish you the best. I have lots of good feelings about 2012, but this post is not really about the year that is coming, it is more about saying goodbye to the year that is leaving. Here's to the good memories, to the happy moments and also to the sad moments, to the laughs, to the smiles, to the broken hearts, to the tears, to the good songs, to the good and bad grades, to everything. After all, it was a good year. Every year is good, and I feel like many people said that 2011 was a hard year for everybody, even for politics, economy, and those stuff. But we can't have a rainbow without a little rain. So 2011 probably gave us the tools to start a good 2012.

GOODBYE 2011. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!