Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Letter to Jake

I am finally back. After saying goodbye and after awkward conversations on line, I am here. I think I had been waiting for this moment since the day I left, because even if I deny it and even if I don't believe it, you were a big deal for me. I never showed anything, I know. And I do not think it was a personal thing, but that's just who I am, I don't really show it when I care about someone because I am too scared of getting corny and cheesy and gross. I always blamed you for leaving without even a kiss, I mean, how come a guy like you couldn't even get a hug from me? I am not easy, but I am not that hard either. But the truth is, it was sort of my fault too. I was cold, and I had too many things in my mind, I was going through a weird time, I was moving to another country, and everything was changing in my life, so I couldn't really pay attention to you because let's be honest: there was no hope.

The thing is... now I am starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, you were not just playing with me like you probably do with many other girls. Maybe what you felt was real. Maybe you were just a guy trying to get the girl he liked, and eventually you found out it was not going to be as easy as you were used to. And even though it is sort of over now I guess, I do appreciate the fact that you didn't forget me. I haven't talked to you for a while, and I am sure you are over me now, just like I am over you, but to be honest, I would like to see you. I think some things are getting sort of complicated in my mind, because once again, I am going through some weird changes. You know, moving back to my old life brings me back to you so I get confused. Not in a romantic way I guess, but just the fact that you were a big part of my life and I can't help to wonder how you are doing. Maybe you don't care about me anymore, but I do care about you. You might be dating someone else, I don't know, and I might be interested in someone else too, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to hug you and tell you thanks for taking me seriously, for waiting for me until the day I left and for staying in touch. I admit I was a bitch when I asked you if british guys were hot when you went to England, and I was a bitch for never talking to you on BBM after you told me to just say hi whenever I was bored. I was just trying to make myself feel better, and I also didn't want to get confussed, because I am a lightweight, one single word can make my whole world shake, and I couldn't handle it 10.000 km away from you.

And yes, time went by, and we never talked again. Now I don't even know how you are doing, and you probably don't even know I am back. But if I ever see you again, I'm going to look at you in the eyes and remember all of those months that I waited for you, all of the tears that I cried for you, and all of the times you made me smile, because you did know how to make me happy.

So I guess I'll see you soon, and if I don't, I just wish you the best, and once again, thank you.

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