Afraid Of Love

I realized that I’m scared of boys. I want them when I don’thave them, and when fate finally brings them to me, I get scared and runaway.  It’s frustrating and it makes mehate myself.

What happened was something that anybody who reads my blogis going to believe: Mason asked me out to the movies. I don’t know if he didit on a friendly way or what, but he is showing pretty clear signs and I thinksomething might happen soon. He texted me, chatted me, he even bbmed me. The thing is… the moment when he asked me out,even though I got super excited on the outside, something deep inside startedto feel uncomfortable and I started to wonder if he is the guy I really want,if I really like him, if he’s what I think he is, etc, etc etc. Bullshit.Because I do like him, and even though he is not perfect, he is sort of what Iwant. The problem is that it scares the shit out of me.

The same thing happened with Jake. Months before he startedtalking to me I used to say he was the “perfect guy”. Then, out of nowhere, hefell in love with me and I started to have my doubts and I pushed myself tofind things I didn’t like about him. And of course, nothing happened, which ismainly my fault, because even though I always say he was the one who neverasked me out, I’m sure that even if he did ask me out, I would have foundexcuses not to go.

And then Mr X. Well, that’s a whole different story, buteven though I never really liked him, I did think he was also the “perfectboyfriend”, and then, also out of nowhere, the guy starts liking me and what doI do? Think about all of the reasons why I should not like him back.

So yes, I admit I am scared and that’s why I am foreveralone. But I know that deep inside I like the three of them, and I’m gonna haveto deal with my insecurities, other wise I’m going to miss out on three reallygood guys.  

Stay Beautiful - Taylor Swift

Cory's eyes are like a jungle
He smiles, it's like the radio
He whispers songs into my window
In words nobody knows
There's pretty girls on every corner
That watch him as he's walking home
Saying, does he know
Will you ever know

You're beautiful
Every little piece love, don't you know
You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
When you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh but if it don't, stay beautiful

Cory finds another way to be
The highlight of my day
I'm taking pictures in my mind
So I can save them for a rainy day
It's hard to make conversation
When he's taking my breath away
I should say, hey by the way

If you and I are a story
That never gets told
If what you are is a daydream
I'll never get to hold, at least you'll know

Weekend

 

 (with one of my best friends, Val)

I had such an amazing weekend, I literally didn't stop. Friday night I went to a nightclub with three friends (no comment about this). Saturday night I went to two parties and then to a nightclub in downtown with 5 friends and it was soooo much fun, and then it started to rain, like pouring rain, and we were walking in the middle of the streret which was some kind of river, it was the funniest thing ever, I almost peed myself because I couldn't stop laughing. It was 5 am and we were running looking for some kind of roof, and then a friend's brother had to pick us up, it was just so much fun! Then Sunday night I went to a friend's house to have pizzas with friends and it was also really nice.

And during the afternoons I just hanged out with friends, tanned, enjoyed the warm weather, went to the mall, etc etc etc.

I am having the time of my life and I am really happy because all of these is what I get for following my heart. 

Now let's talk about boys.

On Thursday,  Mason texted me, chatted me, and called me to plan something for the weekend (with some other friends), which couldn't happen because I ended up going out with girlfriend, but the fact that he even called me made my day.

I saw X over the weekend, and I expected him to flirt with me or something, and no, he completely got scared and didn't do anything.

And Jake was at one of the parties that I went to on Saturday, and I hate myself for not saying hi to him. I really wanted to see him. I feel like feelings of the past are starting to come back to life, and I don't know why. I don't understand if I am starting to like him again, or he just means a lot to me and I want to see him. I don't know, the thing is that I keep thinking about seeing him again all the time.

I also told my mom about these three boys, which is sort of weird cuz I never really tell her stuff. I guess I just missed my mom a lot while I was in the States and I want to start enjoying her a little bit more.

Tomorrow I'm going to Uruguay for like a week and a half and it sort of hurts to leave my city because I am really having fun, but it is just for a few days, then I'm coming back and I am staying home until forever, I don't ever want to leave again, at least for a few years. After college, I know the world is going to be waiting for me, but for now, I LOVE CORDOBA (ARGENTINA).

We'll Always Have The Wristband

Today something really cute happened with Mason. When I went to California, on May of 2010, I got this "bracelet", which is actually more like a wristband, with the colors of reggae and Bob Marley which are red, greed, and yellow. It was like $1, but I loved it because I got it in Venice Beach, right in front of the ocean and the guy that sold it to me said "I know you'll be back to LA someday", which is my dream. So yeah, the thing meant a lot to me.

In that trip I got most of my friends something, like cheap stuff, but something from LA or Vegas to remember me as a California Soul (what? lol). The thing is that I didn't bring anything to Mason, and when he saw the wristband, he asked me if I could give it to him for a day. After that, he asked me if he could keep it. I said no, bu he insisted and it is impossible to say no to him, he is just... I don't know. But I told him how much it meant to me so I asked him to take care of it.

Anyway, a year and a half went by, he is dating someone and blah blah, and like I said, nothing ever happened with him. And today I decided to go to his Facebook and see some pictures, and I saw an old picture of him wearing it, and I said "ooh I gave that to him. I'm sure he doesn't have it anymore, but let's see." I didn't think he would still have it, but something inside told me he did. When I went to one of his newest pictures, he still had it, and it looks really, really old. I started looking close at all of his pictures, and he was wearing the wristband in every single picture, even if the colors are fading.

You have no idea how much that meant to me. I mean, it is a stupid wristband that you can get wherever you go, and after a year and a half, he is still wearing it. It may not mean anything, but maybe, just maybe... it does. I don't know. It is good to know that, beyond every thought, he kept it and he took care of it.

PA JE RO

Them...

I know I'm supposed to let them go but...

Morgan, I wish you were single
Sam, I wish you were mine
Mason, I wish you were closer
Morocho, I wish you would come back to my life somehow

There, I said it. I love you all. 4 options, and none of them are available for me.

Una de las partes más dificiles de la vida es decidir si alejarte o intentar un poquito más.

Meant To Be

I started to forget about all of those guys that were not worth it in my life, such as Morgan, who is dating someone, Sam, who doesn't even care about me, Cody, who is definitely not my type, Jake, who actually has been outside my life for a while, etc. But there's one guy that I am just not ready to get rid of. Mason.

I usually give up when they start dating someone else, but there's something inside me that tells me that somehow, it is meant to be. I feel like he is worth the wait, like he is probably gonna be one of the best things of next year. I feel like there was always something there, and because of certain situations, I could never see it.

Something tells me that it is gonna happen. I know he has a girlfriend now, and I don't wanna be a "home wrecker", but I know it is not gonna last. I know everything happens for a reason, and I know everything means something. I don't care how far away he is, and I don't care how long we gotta wait to see each other, or to let something happen between us, but I know that eventually, it will happen.

I don't know. Call me crazy, but I know IT IS GONNA HAPPEN. I feel like this is real.

It's scary how much you can hurt me without even trying

Start All Over

Sometimes I feel like I cannot find the meaning of life... I mean, like nothing makes sense, like everything goes wrong, like everything is happening the way it is not supposed to happen. I try to be positive, but sometimes life just disappoints me. The problem? Me. I expect too much. For some reason I am not the kind of person that just let things flow. I don't enjoy whatever life brings, I look for the things I want. For example, I like Sam, so that's all I want. If another guy comes, I am not even gonna pay attention because I want Sam. And apparently, it is not meant to be with Sam, but I don't care, I still like Sam. And I am gonna wait for Sam. And Sam is gonna be the Sun of my solar system. Sam is gonna be everything. But nothing is gonna happen with Sam. And then I end up like I am now. Disappointed. Frustrated. Depressed.

I need to understand that things are never the way we want them to be. Life and fate do what the hell they want with us, and that is the way it is supposed to be. I need to back up, relax, just enjoy every second even if nothing special is going on. Because at the end of the day, fate is always right. We might not be able to see that now, but eventually we will, like Steve Jobs said: "It was impossible to connect the dots when I was in college, but it was very clear ten years later. You cannot connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect your future. You have to trust in something, your God, destiny, life karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road, will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well known path. And that will make all the difference". 


I just gotta think that everything is gonna go the way it is supposed to go, the way it is gonna be best, at the right time, at the right place, with the right person, and for the BEST REASON. 

So I wanna start all over. Tomorrow I'm gonna go to school, and I am not gonna walk the way where I know I'm gonna see Sam or Morgan; I'm not gonna be spying at Sam while we are in lunch. I am not gonna wait outside Astronomy class just to see Sam when he goes to physics. I am not gonna do all those crazy things. I am gonna be normal. If it is supposed to happen, if I really need Sam, fate will bring him back; it may not be soon, but he'll be back. Believe in the unexpected.

Take It Easy

Today I was talking to my best friend, Ramoncin, about my love life and boys and love and stuff. He made me realize how crazy I am. I've been taking all of the things about Sam, the guy from Puerto Rico, and Mason too serious. He told me to relax, and to stop feeling with so much intensity. When I am sad, I let the sadness take over myself, and when I am happy I let the happiness take over myself too. I don't know how to be relaxed, how to take everything easy, with calm, how to control my feelings. When a little thing happens, no matter how good or bad, I freak out, and it is whether the end of the world or the happiest day of my life. If Sam looked at me, I dance and jump for hours. If he avoided me, I cry and listen to Adele for a whole day. If Mason liked something on Facebook about me, I start to think he wants to marry me; if he didn't talk to me, I instantly think he doesn't like me anymore. What about taking everything with calm? How about if I stop freaking out about everything?

The problem is... being this heightened is part of who I am. It is not a physical thing, or a momentaneous emotion; it is my personality. I am known for being an intense person, and I don't know how to change that, because changing that would mean change my life style, my reactions, my everything. And I don't wanna change who I am, but I do need to relax, it's hurting me being so over-dramatic.

From now on, my goal is to take things easy. I know it is not gonna happen in one day or one month. It is gonna take a while, but I need to find a balance between who I am and what's normal and good for me. Getting obsessed with guys or other things it is not gonna take me anywhere. It is just gonna hurt me. I just gotta let it be.

Forever Alone II

Yeah well, apparently Mason is having a thing with a girl who is literally a whore. My friend saw them making out after school, but they are not dating, they were just hooking up, but whatever, it is kinda the same thing. On the other hand, I think Sam has a thing with someone else too, and even if he doesn't have a thing with anyone, he still doesn't give a crap about me, so same thing. Morgan is still practically married to that girl he was dating over the summer. Uhmm... I don't even talk to Cody anymore either. And now even Jake forgot about me and is dating someone. So yeah, I am the forever alone bitch.

The only person that talks to me are these weirdos. One of them invited me a few times to the movies, and invited me to grab lunch with him the other day. Is it so hard for him to understand that if I said "no" twice without re-scheduling is because I don't care about him? And then we have this other fucking creeper who stalks me, talks to me all the time, smiles at me like he is about to rape me, and tells me all the time that my profile picture on Facebook is pretty. At the beginning I was nice to him, but now I'm like "get the hell away from me".

Why do I get weirdos? Why do I get guys that I would never ever like? Even if those guys were the last men on Earth, I would rather die alone and virgin before giving these kids a chance. I know, I sound really mean. But I am tired, I am tired of this whole thing. I never get the hot guy, the cute guy, the sexy guy. I always get the weirdo who takes advantage of the fact that I am new and that I look like a nice person and starts creeping me out. They take advantage of me, and it is freaking insulting. Do I look like I wanna date someone as anti-social, creepy and weird as you? No! Why don't they go and ask the leader of the cheerleaders out? Because they know she is gonna reject them if they are not "normal". So that's when they think "oh, Lola is probably gonna say yes. She looks like she is nice. She wouldn't reject me". Seriously you jackass? Do I look stupid? Call me a bitch, you can say that my heart is like a rock, or you know what? You can say I don't even have a heart. I don't give a shit. I just want to get FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE the guy that I want. Not the ugly one who doesn't even have personality. (And don't get me wrong, when I say "normal", I mean a normal person. I love original people, I love outstanding guys, I love funny guy, I love unique guys, but between the limits or normality, you know what I mean?).

So I was watching the movie "Bad Teacher" with Cameron Diaz today, and the movies shows this nerd liking the popular girl who rejects him, and then Diaz said a quote that really helped me understand this whole thing:

"Okay, here's the deal, man. I cannot keep sugar coating this for you. This girl, is never gonna be interested in you. Never! You clearly have a rich interior life, with the poems and the whatever. But, she wants a guy like Ian what's his face! Ian Mental-bomb, the rapper? Yeah, he's a fucking mo-ron! But she doesn't care. She's superficial and her priorities are all fucked up! She likes him because he's hot dude. You...are sensitive. And that's not a compliment"  

Yeah, that's the thing. I like jerks. Jerks are hot. Jerks have this sneaky way of getting to your sensitive point. Somehow, they manage to say the right words that are gonna get ya. They are sexy, the look interesting, they look... they look like men. And I think that what most girls love, is to feel like a bad guy fell for them, like the hot guy is gonna become a good guy for them. And deep inside, they know it is not true, but they still like it. A relationship with those hot popular guys is like an adventure, we are taking the risk of getting hurt, of getting heart broken, and we love that. Yeah, I don't like poetry, I don't like it corny or cheesy, I don't like it romantic... I like it simple. I like it sexy. 

I am deeply sorry to all of those hearts that I broke. It was not my fault, just DON'T PUSH A GIRL'S BUTTONS. I don't care if I have to be single for decades, but I am going to wait for my Mason, for my Morgan, for my Sam, for my Jason. I am gonna wait for the guy I wanna have. I am not gonna be satisfied with the creepy one. No. I am gonna go get my hottie. Am I superficial? Maybe. Are my priorities fucked up? Yeah. Do I fall for hot guys? Hell yeah. And I don't care what anybody else thinks. But I reached the highest point of my calm side. Since 7th grade, awkward guys are asking me out and stuff. This is it. I am so not gonna get insulted by a bunch of weirdos. Hell no. I want to get the guy that I like. And you know what, hot guys are not always mean, or jerks. Hot guys also have a good heart. 

The thing is, I don't want a single candy. I want the whole box. And while I wait for the whole thing, I am not gonna enjoy the candy that fell from the sky. I am gonna fight for what I want. A cheap candy is never ever gonna be enough for me. 

 That's the reason why I am... FOREVER ALONE. 

PS: I sounded like a bitch the whole thing, and I hope someone can understand my feelings right now.

He genuinely doesn't give a shit

Alex: Connor's never gonna call you

Gigi: oh really? how do you know?

Alex: because I'm a guy, and that's just how we do it

Gigi: he said it was nice meeting me

Alex: I don't care if he said you were his favorite female since his mommy. The week went by ok Gigi? And he didn't call you

Gigi: but maybe he did call and I didn't get the message, or maybe he lost my number, or he is out of town, or got hit by a car, or his grandma died

Alex: or maybe he just didn't call because he has no interest in seeing you again

Waiting For Him

One of the biggest lessons life taught me during these 16 years of my life, is that "good things come to those who wait". Life and experiences taught me to be patience, to wait... because when something it is meant to be, it is gonna happen at the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. So basically you just gotta wait for destiny to put it all together. Try, work hard, try to get it, you get to decide how hard you are willing to fight for it, but you don't get to decide when it is really gonna come, because the hardest battle is the time you are gonna have to wait for it.

I waited for Mason for a couple of years, it is actually more than anybody else might think. I waited, and I was patient. I have never ever been as patient as I was with him in my whole life. I knew that it was not gonna happen soon, and sadly, there was nothing I could do. So I waited, and kept going with my life. There was something inside me that told me "keep on waiting, it is gonna happen". So I did not freak out, I did not get obsessed, and I just waited.

A week ago I thought that the wait was finally over. I got all excited and obsessed about it, and I realized that I was wrong, he was not coming yet. I see how he does things with other girls while I'm here, waiting.

I know the wait is not over. And to be honest, I don't even know if it is ever gonna be over. But there is still something inside me telling me that it is meant to be, that I gotta be patient.

One of the biggest mistakes I made my whole life, specially with love, was the necessity of having everything RIGHT NOW. I was never patient, and I always got obsessed with things. Of course, they never came. The key is to be calm and to trust fate. To trust that whatever is meant to be will work out perfectly.

So I'll keep on waiting. I will keep calm and eat cupcakes, or listen to Adele, or travel the world... I don't know. the thing is that I'm willing to keep waiting, just like I did for the last 3 years. And when I least expect it, I know he is gonna come.

Things worth having, are always worth waiting for. 

Milagro de Abril - Alberto Plaza

Estarás esperando que un puñado de estrellas te vaya a buscar,
O estarás atascado en el borde del cielo y no puedes saltar,
No sé, no sé...
Estarás confundido, y no sabes la ruta que viene hasta aquí,
O será simplemente que no quieres venir.
Que será por qué tardas,
Por qué pasan los años y no estás aquí,
Corre, salta, despega,
Dale cura a este amor que no sabe morir,
No me niegues la risa,
Tócame con las alas milagro de abril.
Has venido mil veces, entre sueños te he visto jugar por aquí,
Pero igual que los peces al tratar de tocarte te arrancas de mi,
Por qué, por qué...
No será que te escondes,
Porque tu corazón desconfía de mi,
O será simplemente que no quieres venir.
Que será que no llegas,
Suelta al fin las amarras y ven hasta aquí,
Deja de ser poema,
Y transfórmate en carne semilla y cantín,
Corre, salta, despega,
Dale cura a este amor que no sabe morir,
No me niegues la risa
Tócame con las alas milagro de abril.
Que será que no llegas,
Este mundo ya es duro y más duro sin ti,
Que será por que tardas,
Por que pasan los años y no estas aquí,
Corre, salta, despega,
Dale cura a este amor que no sabe morir,
No me niegues la risa,
Tócame con las alas milagro de abril.

El verdadero hombre te extraña y te llama. Te quiere y te lo dice.

Mason

I am finally gonna talk about Mason and say what happened.

He is a guy that for one specific reason was not an option for me, even though I felt something for him. Sometimes he would show me that he felt the same way, but he knew why we could not let anything happen between us, so we kinda kept a distance. Deep inside, I really liked him. I was not really sure about his feelings, but that was good because if he liked me too, then we were both gonna make the mistake to hooking up and it was not the right thing to do.

I did not just like him because of his very attractive physical appearance, but also because of his personality. I don't know, he was exactly what I was looking for. But like I said, it was impossible. Which is why I always kept it secret, not just to people, but also to myself. I didn't want to accept it, because once I accept things, I get obsessed with them and I cannot get them off my head. So I just forgot about it. 

Of course I felt butterflies in my stomach every time he would touch my hand, or say something sweet, or look at me with those beautiful eyes, or just have a long conversation with me like the ones we used to have about everything. But I just had to let it go. 

I was not in love with him or anything. I mean, I was one step away from actually falling from him. And nothing ever happened that would push myself to take that step. Until this weekend. You know how one click can change it all? One "Like" on Facebook was enough for me to be weak like a peace of paper and take that step that I needed to just realize how much I like him. I can't really say what he "liked" on Facebook, but believe me, it was too obvious, I mean, it was a sign. It is not the kind of thing that you would like just to like something. No.

In that moment I freaked out, and I wanted more signs. I needed something else to realize that this was really happening. But no, he stoped there. (I know I'm being kinda confussing, but I can't really tell here what exactly happened, so I am doing my best).

I got upset with him for getting my hopes up but not doing anything about it, and that's why yesterday I posted stuff about guys being jerks.

The thing is... this is not his fault. I'm sure it was not his intention to make me feel like crap. He just clicked on something without knowing that he was not just clicking something on Facebook, but something else waaaaaaaaay deeper than that. He clicked something inside of me. But like I said, he did not know that. He probably thinks I don't even care. And there's nothing I can do, we are too far away.

What I've learned with this is that I was patient for a long time, I did not freak out about him, I did not get obsessed, and I always said "if it's meant to be, it's gonna happen". I waited for his signs, and they are finally starting to come. I gotta keep my cool, and who knows what the future has....

Who's That Boy - Demi Lovato & Dev

I wanna get you by yourself
Yeah, have you to myself
I don't need nobody else
Don't want nobody else
You're special, I know
Your smile, it glows
It's perfect, it shows
Let's go!

I've been starin' at ya
And I could do it all night
You're looking like an angel
With that kind of body it needs a spotlight

Ain't nobody know your name
But looking like you do could be famous
I could see us making waves
From the back of the club
To a bed in the shade

Now I don't know who you are
But you look like a star
And everybody here be thinkin'
Who's that boy?
Wanna take you home
And get you all alone
And everybody here is thinkin'
Who's that boy?

Oh, he got me
No, I've never seen,
No one like him
Damn, he's everything
Girls, they want him
Guys, they wanna be
Who's that boy, who's that boy

You could say that I'm distracted
But ah you got me so attracted
But boy I'll tell you what the fact is
Is no one else in this room
Looking like like you, you, do

Everybody in the club turn around sayin'
Who's that, who's that
Beautiful boy with them big brown eyes, tell me
Who's that, who's that

I got my eyes on this boy
Can't get him off my mind
He's one of a kind
The cherry to my pie
I just wanna get him close
Wanna make him mine
Come hold my hand and dance away the night
Give me the green light
Kiss my lips
Who's that boy watching my hips?
I-I I wanna know who you are
My name is Dev and you can be my star