2011 Thank you

Just like last year I am going to write a brief description of each month. Overall, this was an amazing year. I did feel very, very empty in some situations, I missed my friends, I missed my life, at some point I really hated many things of this new world, but after all, I could not be more grateful for having this amazing chance. I got to meet so many cool people, and now I can say that a part of me belongs to this country. 2011 taught me a lot of things, but most important, it made me feel like a part of me is American not just because my dad was born here, but because now I have a history in this country, I had my crushes, my friends, my tears, my smiles, and my memories. 20 years from now I am not going to remember the people I didn't like, the moments I wanted to go back and party with my friends, or the essays that stressed me out... I am going to remember how proud I felt of myself, of doing it until the end, of not giving up, of overachieving my goal, of having the guts to go to an american school and speak out loud with my spanish accent, of learning another history, another language, and another culture, of learning how to survive in situations I would have never imagined I could get through. I am so thankful or this year because it was the most productive year of my life, I will never forget it, and most important, I will never regret a single thing of it. Thank you 2011.

January: the year started with 2 feet of snow, it was the first time that I could actually be in my house and have that much snow outside. School was alright, chemistry was starting to get really hard, I remember I did really badly on my mid terms, but it was ok. At the same time, I had volleyball with Morgan in our gym class, and Eryn was also there, so it was kinda perfect. I also met Cody this month.

February: The first marking period ended and I started my new elective, Entrepreneurship, were I made a new friend, Julie. My gym class was also divided into two, so I couldn't be with Eryn anymore, but I ended up with some popular kids like Elsa, Terri, Allison, and Katelyn, and of course, Morgan and his soccer friends. Nothing really happened though, but not having to get dressed for gym anymore was pretty cool.

March: Lexi was born, and my grandparents came to visit! It was also my birthday and I turned 16!

April: Health ended and now we had to pick new gym classes. My whole class was going to ADT (advanced weight training) but it was only for athletes, so I had to beg Mr Cicotelli to let me go to his class, and he was really nice so he said yes. It was my favorite gym class of all times. I was in a group with Elsa and Katelyn and Morgan was there every single there lifting weight. It was S E X Y. haha.

May: and it was finally warm after the snow of April! I had a lot of fun during this month. I finally felt like I belonged in my school. I loved my Italian class, entrepreneurship was pretty cool, the weight room was fun, and the other classes kept getting better and better. The only problem was my first oral presentation in English class for 40 minutes with Mary Ellen. It was awkward and I had never been so nervous in my life. Besides, the teacher and the other kids didn't make me feel better at all. But I got through it and it was alright.

June: It started with Kristin's Sweet 16 where I just had a lot of fun and I met thousands of people from my school. Then came Puerto Rico, where I fell in love with a stranger, dear Morocho. Then I came back, I had the finals, where I didn't really do that well, and then school was over. It felt kinda sad to finish school, because I was just starting to love it, but there was nothing I could do about it.



July: by far the worst month. My dad was upset with me because I didn't find a job so I didn't have my computer and I was basically in my house all day doing nothing. Just getting tan and going to the gym. Morgan started dating someone, so it was the month where I lost my chances with him, if I ever had chances. Argentina also lost the Copa America, which was S A D.

August: I got my computer back! This was the last time I talked to Jake, he asked me for my BB pin and told me to talk to him sometime and I never did, and then he never talked to me again. Nothing really interested happened, but I got my schedule for my Junior year, and I traveled to Cape May.

September: Junior year started, new classes, new classmates, new teachers, new everything. But the only thing that was not new, it was me and it felt awesome. This is the month where I met Sam and I had on a crush on him, which didn't really last that long. I really felt like I finally was part of that school, even if I had to walk those hallways alone. I also had my second oral presentation for history, and I was wreck of how nervous I was.

October & November: Nothing really happened, but it was an amazing month. I got an A+ for the first time ever on my essay, which was pretty cool. Even if nothing interesting happened, it was a good month, I just enjoyed every single day of my last months in America.

December: Well, the countdown begun. There were some issued with my parents, but I did not let that ruined my perfect year. It was a bittersweet month, I couldn't really believe I had only a month left. This was the month were I lost the bus like once a week, and it became traumatic for me because my dad would get pretty upset, but at the end of the day, it was funny. I started volleyball with my gym class, and I loved it! Not just because playing volleyball was fun, but also because I loved this class. Only 16 kids, any of them were popular athletes, which made it less awkward or intimidating, and they were all nice people. Then I found out about that kid in Argentina who likes me, and who knows, maybe something interesting might end up happening with hi, so far it is not important, but maybe in a couple of months it is going to be a big deal.

And that was my year. Maybe each month alone was not that important, but the year as a whole was amazing. I've grown like I had never grown before in my life.

Waiting For Someone Invisible

I kinda lost faith. I was trying to see the positive side. I told myself that if it was meant to be, it was going to happen. That somehow, I was going to find him. That I just had to believe in fate. But this is probably going to be another hopeless story. 

When I tell my friends about the guy I met in Puerto Rico, they say I'm crazy. They say that there is no way I am going to find him, and that he is probably not that great; that I don't even know him (which is true), and that I am just obsessed (which it is also true). I convinced myself that it was something else, because I know what I felt when I saw him. It was special, something that never happened to me before. Then I left, without knowing his name, his phone, address, or any kind of way to contact him. All I know is that he lives in the state of New York or Connecticut, or maybe not. In fact, I don't even remember his face, so if I see him I am not even going to realize it is him. But like I said, I remember the feeling. I remember what I felt when I saw him like it was yesterday. And that's enough to remember HIM everyday, and to wonder if I am ever going to see him again. 

The problem is... my friends are right. I don't know him. Maybe he is the kin of guy I would never date. Maybe he is not my type. Maybe he takes pictures of himself in front of a mirror with his cell phone, or maybe he is a jerk, or maybe he is annoying and creepy, or maybe he texts girls all the time. And I am here, waiting for someone invisible, someone I don't know, someone I don't even remember.

So I've been trying to let it go, but today, when I was in Manhattan, I started looking around, because maybe, just maybe, he was there too. Maybe it was the right place, at the right time, just like it was that night in Puerto Rico. I saw million of faces, and that's when I thought... "how the heck am I gonna find him?".

I found love in a hopeless place. Again.

it really sucks when the only person who can make you feel better is also the reason why you cry

"The problem with time, I've learned... eventually time always runs out. I have no idea where you are out there in the world John, but I understand that I lost the right to know these things long ago. No matter how many years go by, I know one thing to know as true as it ever was. I see you soon then"

140 Days

"Three Days together. That's all it took. Three days for me to fall for you"

It's been 140 days since Puerto Rico. I met this kid on June 13th, so I met him 137 days ago. 137 day without knowing his name, knowing his address, knowing where he lives, knowing his e-mail, knowing his phone. The only thing I know is that I don't know anything about him. And for some reason, like I said million of times, I cannot stop thinking about him. Remembering him, reminds me of the beautiful view of the horizon, of the ocean, of my life at that time... he reminds me of happiness, of something beautiful. He reminds me how I felt when I first saw him, how I felt while I was looking for him, how I felt when I could not find him, and how I left that hotel and jumped on a plane knowing I was never going to see him again. And it hurts. Because I don't only want to see him again, but I also wonder if he really is the right one. If I really fell in love with. If this is even possible. If he really is what I think he is.

I can't stop thinking about you. Where are you?

There is nothing I can do to change the past

Them...

I know I'm supposed to let them go but...

Morgan, I wish you were single
Sam, I wish you were mine
Mason, I wish you were closer
Morocho, I wish you would come back to my life somehow

There, I said it. I love you all. 4 options, and none of them are available for me.

Start All Over

Sometimes I feel like I cannot find the meaning of life... I mean, like nothing makes sense, like everything goes wrong, like everything is happening the way it is not supposed to happen. I try to be positive, but sometimes life just disappoints me. The problem? Me. I expect too much. For some reason I am not the kind of person that just let things flow. I don't enjoy whatever life brings, I look for the things I want. For example, I like Sam, so that's all I want. If another guy comes, I am not even gonna pay attention because I want Sam. And apparently, it is not meant to be with Sam, but I don't care, I still like Sam. And I am gonna wait for Sam. And Sam is gonna be the Sun of my solar system. Sam is gonna be everything. But nothing is gonna happen with Sam. And then I end up like I am now. Disappointed. Frustrated. Depressed.

I need to understand that things are never the way we want them to be. Life and fate do what the hell they want with us, and that is the way it is supposed to be. I need to back up, relax, just enjoy every second even if nothing special is going on. Because at the end of the day, fate is always right. We might not be able to see that now, but eventually we will, like Steve Jobs said: "It was impossible to connect the dots when I was in college, but it was very clear ten years later. You cannot connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect your future. You have to trust in something, your God, destiny, life karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road, will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well known path. And that will make all the difference". 


I just gotta think that everything is gonna go the way it is supposed to go, the way it is gonna be best, at the right time, at the right place, with the right person, and for the BEST REASON. 

So I wanna start all over. Tomorrow I'm gonna go to school, and I am not gonna walk the way where I know I'm gonna see Sam or Morgan; I'm not gonna be spying at Sam while we are in lunch. I am not gonna wait outside Astronomy class just to see Sam when he goes to physics. I am not gonna do all those crazy things. I am gonna be normal. If it is supposed to happen, if I really need Sam, fate will bring him back; it may not be soon, but he'll be back. Believe in the unexpected.

Take It Easy

Today I was talking to my best friend, Ramoncin, about my love life and boys and love and stuff. He made me realize how crazy I am. I've been taking all of the things about Sam, the guy from Puerto Rico, and Mason too serious. He told me to relax, and to stop feeling with so much intensity. When I am sad, I let the sadness take over myself, and when I am happy I let the happiness take over myself too. I don't know how to be relaxed, how to take everything easy, with calm, how to control my feelings. When a little thing happens, no matter how good or bad, I freak out, and it is whether the end of the world or the happiest day of my life. If Sam looked at me, I dance and jump for hours. If he avoided me, I cry and listen to Adele for a whole day. If Mason liked something on Facebook about me, I start to think he wants to marry me; if he didn't talk to me, I instantly think he doesn't like me anymore. What about taking everything with calm? How about if I stop freaking out about everything?

The problem is... being this heightened is part of who I am. It is not a physical thing, or a momentaneous emotion; it is my personality. I am known for being an intense person, and I don't know how to change that, because changing that would mean change my life style, my reactions, my everything. And I don't wanna change who I am, but I do need to relax, it's hurting me being so over-dramatic.

From now on, my goal is to take things easy. I know it is not gonna happen in one day or one month. It is gonna take a while, but I need to find a balance between who I am and what's normal and good for me. Getting obsessed with guys or other things it is not gonna take me anywhere. It is just gonna hurt me. I just gotta let it be.

Get Out Of My Mind, Please

It is really stupid how I still think about the guy I met in Puerto Rico. It is stupid, because there are 99.9999999999% of chances that I will never ever see him again. And knowing how obsessive I am, I can see myself thinking about that day in the pool for the rest of my life. I had him right next to me, and I was not able to do anything. I looked for him all around the hotel, I lied to my dad, and then he realized that I was randomly walking around the lobby just looking for this kid, and I got in trouble because he started joking and everything was really awkward, and I wanted to cry because I knew that I was never gonna see him again, and because the last time he saw me I was looking like Ugly Betty and stuff, and everything was a mess.

I know I talked about him before, and I know I said I was gonna let fate decide. I know I said I was gonna wait. I know I said everything happens for a reason. I know I said that "whatever will be, will be". I know I believe in all of those things, but that doesn't take away the pain or the doubt. The doubt about wondering if he is really what I expect him to be; if my mind is not making everything up; if he was really that hot or I am just idealizing; if, if if... I fell in love with something I don't even know, and with something I don't even have. And the worst thing is... I am starting to forget his face, I really am. So I am in love with something I don't know, and all I know is that I am supposed to like him, that's it. So this is freaking sick because even if we ever are at the same place at the same time, I am not gonna know he is him because I am not gonna remember him, I don't know his full name, I don't know where he lives... nothing. This is... frustrating and stupid. It is not logic at all.

We'll Always Have Puerto Rico

I am still obsessed with the guy I met in Puerto Rico. Just remembering that night, next to him, in the same elevator, with he beautiful view of the ocean, just makes me wanna run to the state of New York and knock the door on every single house and look for him.

I know I don't even know him, but just meeting him made me believe that love at first sight does exist. I said a lot of times that if it is meant to be, fate will bring him back, doesn't matter where or when, but I know that somehow, he will be back. What hurts the most, is that meanwhile, I'm just gonna be here, waiting and wondering what could have been if I didn't look like crap that day on the elevator, or if I could have met him somewhere else and have the chance to talk to him a little bit more.

If I had to make a wish right now, I would ask just to have the chance to see him someday and see if he is really worth it. I mean, I'm in love with an illusion, and that happens to a lot people: falling in love with someone just for what we think they are, when they are actually something totally different. My point is that that might be happening to me, but all I know for sure right now is that I still cannot get him out of my head. It's been a while, like 3 months so far, and I still remember him everyday. Every time I go somewhere and I see a brunette guy with those beautiful eyes he had, for one second I think that it might be him.

I've been studying in astronomy how far planets and stars are from each other. For example, Mars is 56 million miles away from Earth, it would take us decades to get there with the most sophisticated transportation ever. Thinking about that, makes me think that he is not that far away: I'm in the state of New Jersey, and he is in the state of New York, so if God really wanted us to see each other again, I know it wouldn't be that hard for it to happen. In the movie "The Adjustment Bureau", which is one of my favorites, they say "there are 9 million people in this city, you are never gonna find her. Move on with your life". That's true, but the guy ended up finding her because it was the way it was supposed to be.

Other wise, I can just hold on the fact that... We'll Always Have Puerto Rico.