Confused

I don't know what's going on. I'm starting to think about him more than a lot. I wanna see him really bad.  I wanna talk to him. I just miss him. I am not supposed to be feeling this way because it was over waaaaaay too long ago. I don't want to say the words "here we go again" because this is probably just a side effect of all of the changes I had been through in the past month, and I still have to get used to my new life in Argentina so maybe I am holding on to all of the things that I had before I left, but I need to stop thinking about him before this gets serious.

Afraid Of Love

I realized that I’m scared of boys. I want them when I don’thave them, and when fate finally brings them to me, I get scared and runaway.  It’s frustrating and it makes mehate myself.

What happened was something that anybody who reads my blogis going to believe: Mason asked me out to the movies. I don’t know if he didit on a friendly way or what, but he is showing pretty clear signs and I thinksomething might happen soon. He texted me, chatted me, he even bbmed me. The thing is… the moment when he asked me out,even though I got super excited on the outside, something deep inside startedto feel uncomfortable and I started to wonder if he is the guy I really want,if I really like him, if he’s what I think he is, etc, etc etc. Bullshit.Because I do like him, and even though he is not perfect, he is sort of what Iwant. The problem is that it scares the shit out of me.

The same thing happened with Jake. Months before he startedtalking to me I used to say he was the “perfect guy”. Then, out of nowhere, hefell in love with me and I started to have my doubts and I pushed myself tofind things I didn’t like about him. And of course, nothing happened, which ismainly my fault, because even though I always say he was the one who neverasked me out, I’m sure that even if he did ask me out, I would have foundexcuses not to go.

And then Mr X. Well, that’s a whole different story, buteven though I never really liked him, I did think he was also the “perfectboyfriend”, and then, also out of nowhere, the guy starts liking me and what doI do? Think about all of the reasons why I should not like him back.

So yes, I admit I am scared and that’s why I am foreveralone. But I know that deep inside I like the three of them, and I’m gonna haveto deal with my insecurities, other wise I’m going to miss out on three reallygood guys.  

Weekend

 

 (with one of my best friends, Val)

I had such an amazing weekend, I literally didn't stop. Friday night I went to a nightclub with three friends (no comment about this). Saturday night I went to two parties and then to a nightclub in downtown with 5 friends and it was soooo much fun, and then it started to rain, like pouring rain, and we were walking in the middle of the streret which was some kind of river, it was the funniest thing ever, I almost peed myself because I couldn't stop laughing. It was 5 am and we were running looking for some kind of roof, and then a friend's brother had to pick us up, it was just so much fun! Then Sunday night I went to a friend's house to have pizzas with friends and it was also really nice.

And during the afternoons I just hanged out with friends, tanned, enjoyed the warm weather, went to the mall, etc etc etc.

I am having the time of my life and I am really happy because all of these is what I get for following my heart. 

Now let's talk about boys.

On Thursday,  Mason texted me, chatted me, and called me to plan something for the weekend (with some other friends), which couldn't happen because I ended up going out with girlfriend, but the fact that he even called me made my day.

I saw X over the weekend, and I expected him to flirt with me or something, and no, he completely got scared and didn't do anything.

And Jake was at one of the parties that I went to on Saturday, and I hate myself for not saying hi to him. I really wanted to see him. I feel like feelings of the past are starting to come back to life, and I don't know why. I don't understand if I am starting to like him again, or he just means a lot to me and I want to see him. I don't know, the thing is that I keep thinking about seeing him again all the time.

I also told my mom about these three boys, which is sort of weird cuz I never really tell her stuff. I guess I just missed my mom a lot while I was in the States and I want to start enjoying her a little bit more.

Tomorrow I'm going to Uruguay for like a week and a half and it sort of hurts to leave my city because I am really having fun, but it is just for a few days, then I'm coming back and I am staying home until forever, I don't ever want to leave again, at least for a few years. After college, I know the world is going to be waiting for me, but for now, I LOVE CORDOBA (ARGENTINA).

Set The Fire To The Rain - Adele

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing is better

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.

Letter to Jake

I am finally back. After saying goodbye and after awkward conversations on line, I am here. I think I had been waiting for this moment since the day I left, because even if I deny it and even if I don't believe it, you were a big deal for me. I never showed anything, I know. And I do not think it was a personal thing, but that's just who I am, I don't really show it when I care about someone because I am too scared of getting corny and cheesy and gross. I always blamed you for leaving without even a kiss, I mean, how come a guy like you couldn't even get a hug from me? I am not easy, but I am not that hard either. But the truth is, it was sort of my fault too. I was cold, and I had too many things in my mind, I was going through a weird time, I was moving to another country, and everything was changing in my life, so I couldn't really pay attention to you because let's be honest: there was no hope.

The thing is... now I am starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, you were not just playing with me like you probably do with many other girls. Maybe what you felt was real. Maybe you were just a guy trying to get the girl he liked, and eventually you found out it was not going to be as easy as you were used to. And even though it is sort of over now I guess, I do appreciate the fact that you didn't forget me. I haven't talked to you for a while, and I am sure you are over me now, just like I am over you, but to be honest, I would like to see you. I think some things are getting sort of complicated in my mind, because once again, I am going through some weird changes. You know, moving back to my old life brings me back to you so I get confused. Not in a romantic way I guess, but just the fact that you were a big part of my life and I can't help to wonder how you are doing. Maybe you don't care about me anymore, but I do care about you. You might be dating someone else, I don't know, and I might be interested in someone else too, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to hug you and tell you thanks for taking me seriously, for waiting for me until the day I left and for staying in touch. I admit I was a bitch when I asked you if british guys were hot when you went to England, and I was a bitch for never talking to you on BBM after you told me to just say hi whenever I was bored. I was just trying to make myself feel better, and I also didn't want to get confussed, because I am a lightweight, one single word can make my whole world shake, and I couldn't handle it 10.000 km away from you.

And yes, time went by, and we never talked again. Now I don't even know how you are doing, and you probably don't even know I am back. But if I ever see you again, I'm going to look at you in the eyes and remember all of those months that I waited for you, all of the tears that I cried for you, and all of the times you made me smile, because you did know how to make me happy.

So I guess I'll see you soon, and if I don't, I just wish you the best, and once again, thank you.

Forever Alone II

Yeah well, apparently Mason is having a thing with a girl who is literally a whore. My friend saw them making out after school, but they are not dating, they were just hooking up, but whatever, it is kinda the same thing. On the other hand, I think Sam has a thing with someone else too, and even if he doesn't have a thing with anyone, he still doesn't give a crap about me, so same thing. Morgan is still practically married to that girl he was dating over the summer. Uhmm... I don't even talk to Cody anymore either. And now even Jake forgot about me and is dating someone. So yeah, I am the forever alone bitch.

The only person that talks to me are these weirdos. One of them invited me a few times to the movies, and invited me to grab lunch with him the other day. Is it so hard for him to understand that if I said "no" twice without re-scheduling is because I don't care about him? And then we have this other fucking creeper who stalks me, talks to me all the time, smiles at me like he is about to rape me, and tells me all the time that my profile picture on Facebook is pretty. At the beginning I was nice to him, but now I'm like "get the hell away from me".

Why do I get weirdos? Why do I get guys that I would never ever like? Even if those guys were the last men on Earth, I would rather die alone and virgin before giving these kids a chance. I know, I sound really mean. But I am tired, I am tired of this whole thing. I never get the hot guy, the cute guy, the sexy guy. I always get the weirdo who takes advantage of the fact that I am new and that I look like a nice person and starts creeping me out. They take advantage of me, and it is freaking insulting. Do I look like I wanna date someone as anti-social, creepy and weird as you? No! Why don't they go and ask the leader of the cheerleaders out? Because they know she is gonna reject them if they are not "normal". So that's when they think "oh, Lola is probably gonna say yes. She looks like she is nice. She wouldn't reject me". Seriously you jackass? Do I look stupid? Call me a bitch, you can say that my heart is like a rock, or you know what? You can say I don't even have a heart. I don't give a shit. I just want to get FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE the guy that I want. Not the ugly one who doesn't even have personality. (And don't get me wrong, when I say "normal", I mean a normal person. I love original people, I love outstanding guys, I love funny guy, I love unique guys, but between the limits or normality, you know what I mean?).

So I was watching the movie "Bad Teacher" with Cameron Diaz today, and the movies shows this nerd liking the popular girl who rejects him, and then Diaz said a quote that really helped me understand this whole thing:

"Okay, here's the deal, man. I cannot keep sugar coating this for you. This girl, is never gonna be interested in you. Never! You clearly have a rich interior life, with the poems and the whatever. But, she wants a guy like Ian what's his face! Ian Mental-bomb, the rapper? Yeah, he's a fucking mo-ron! But she doesn't care. She's superficial and her priorities are all fucked up! She likes him because he's hot dude. You...are sensitive. And that's not a compliment"  

Yeah, that's the thing. I like jerks. Jerks are hot. Jerks have this sneaky way of getting to your sensitive point. Somehow, they manage to say the right words that are gonna get ya. They are sexy, the look interesting, they look... they look like men. And I think that what most girls love, is to feel like a bad guy fell for them, like the hot guy is gonna become a good guy for them. And deep inside, they know it is not true, but they still like it. A relationship with those hot popular guys is like an adventure, we are taking the risk of getting hurt, of getting heart broken, and we love that. Yeah, I don't like poetry, I don't like it corny or cheesy, I don't like it romantic... I like it simple. I like it sexy. 

I am deeply sorry to all of those hearts that I broke. It was not my fault, just DON'T PUSH A GIRL'S BUTTONS. I don't care if I have to be single for decades, but I am going to wait for my Mason, for my Morgan, for my Sam, for my Jason. I am gonna wait for the guy I wanna have. I am not gonna be satisfied with the creepy one. No. I am gonna go get my hottie. Am I superficial? Maybe. Are my priorities fucked up? Yeah. Do I fall for hot guys? Hell yeah. And I don't care what anybody else thinks. But I reached the highest point of my calm side. Since 7th grade, awkward guys are asking me out and stuff. This is it. I am so not gonna get insulted by a bunch of weirdos. Hell no. I want to get the guy that I like. And you know what, hot guys are not always mean, or jerks. Hot guys also have a good heart. 

The thing is, I don't want a single candy. I want the whole box. And while I wait for the whole thing, I am not gonna enjoy the candy that fell from the sky. I am gonna fight for what I want. A cheap candy is never ever gonna be enough for me. 

 That's the reason why I am... FOREVER ALONE. 

PS: I sounded like a bitch the whole thing, and I hope someone can understand my feelings right now.

The Bitch & The Wimp

 "At the beginning I thought I had lost you. Then I realized you can't lose something you never had"

This is the end of something that started back on April of 2010, and it officially ended on October 2011. And when you ask me what is the thing that is ending, I answer "I have no idea". 

Jake keeps uploading pictures of him and his girlfriend. I denied it, but let me admit it: YES, THERE IS AN ISSUE HERE. I'm a selfish bitch, and what's mine is mine, even if I don't want it, it is still mine. I don't want him, but it hurts me to see him with somebody else too. I am a bitch because if I had the chance to be with him, I wouldn't take it, because he is not my type. But it's fucked up that he started something with me and never finished it. Well, I should not blame him, because I was pretty cold and mean too. But he never did anything to get me. I am not easy you know, and talking to me was not enough, and he never went beyond the easy stuff to make me fall for him. He was not a risk taker, which is why I realized he was not for me.

Let me be clear: yes, I was bitch, I am not easy to get. But he didn't try either, and you don't gain someone's heart by doing nothing. And yes, now it is sad to see him making out with someone in every fucking picture, thinking that he did for her what he never did for me.

It is just sad to see that it ended without even starting.

Well, that was the story of the bitch and the wimp. It was a pleasure to live it, to tell it, to blog it, to cry it out, to laugh it off, and all I can say is... I WISH YOU THE BEST MAN... it is done, it is in the past.

Cool - Gwen Stefani

It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life...
Passes things get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain

Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown
We have changed but we're still the same
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool

And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles, and now we're hangin' out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we've been

But we had time against us,
And miles between us,
The heavens cried,
I know I left you speechless

Happy Birthday

Well... happy birthday Jake! 

It feels weird. I miss him, specially today. But not in a romantic way, I just miss HIM. Talking to him, knowing how he is doing, and just knowing that he was there for me, because he really was a good friend. It meant the world to me that after a year of leaving Argentina he kept talking to me. I miss that. And today it is his birthday and I know that he forgot about me, which is fine, but it is sad that he could not handle a friendship with me. In part, it was my fault. I was the one that kept a distance, but because I needed him to know that I didn't like him the same way. But that doesn't mean I don't like him at all: I like him as a friend and as a person. 

Like I said, today it is his birthday and my birthday wish is not gonna mean what it meant last year because he has someone else that will give him the best birthday wish ever. I am not jealous, don't get me wrong. I am beyond happy for him. He truly deserved someone who liked him back and who could give him everything that I just couldn't. He is really a good guy.

I wish we could still talk to each other without it being awkward, or without expectations of something more. I wish I could just hug him, because he was a big part of the last year and a half. I know I deny it all the time, but he really meant a lot to me, just let me repeat it one more time: not in a romantic way, not in the way he wanted me to like him.

He could not handle a friendship with me, and I also could not handle the whole situation. Instead of letting him know how I really felt, I just stopped talking, and I treated him like he was nothing to me (like I always do), and that is probably one of the biggest mistakes I've ever done, because I threw a good friendship away. I swear I would send him a BBM right now telling how much I wish him a happy birthday and how much he means to me but no, I have to write on his wall saying "happy birthday" like everyone else, like he meant nothing to me, like he is a just some random dude, and I am some random chick and we don't even know each other.

Yeah, well... that's life.

Addicted to Pain

Yeah, I pretty much came to the conclusion that I'm just mentally ill. I have just soooo much trouble letting go. And sometimes, I even do it on purpose. I hold on to some things because I like the pain, it is like I enjoy it. I mean, instead of avoiding it, instead of just letting it go and saying goodbye, I keep coming back to it, and I know it's not the right thing, I know it is not good for me but I just keep doing. When I like a guy who doesn't like me back, I just stay there, instead of looking for somebody else. I stay there for months waiting for the boy to do something, and it hurts like hell, but I still stay there. Some other times, I don't even like the guy, but for some reason I still wait for him; it doesn't even hurt, but I wait for the pain to come. Maybe it is because I'm just used to cry for guys, and it became part of my routine.

If you read my blog often you might know who Jake is. The guy is now dating someone else. I always say that nothing happened between us, and it is kinda true, but no matter how much I deny it, SOMETHING DID HAPPENED, maybe not the way it was supposed to happen, but we had something until I moved to America. After that, we chatted a few times, and eventually I realized that I didn't like him, I was just used to have him around, and I really liked him as a friend. I think he never really got that, and he kept talking to me until last month, and that was actually kinda bothering me. I mean, I DIDN'T LIKE HIM. Then we just stopped talking, and in order to get rid of him, I asked some people to start flirting with him. That was not necessary, because now I find out that he is dating someone. I mean, they started dating recently. When I saw the picture of them making out, something happened inside of me. At the beginning I thought "well, you don't know what you got til it is gone right?" and I was feeling sad and weird about it. I mean, just looking at that picture of him with somebody else made me feel like there was something wrong. I never saw him with someone else until know, so it is weird. After looking at the picture around 300000 times, I came to one simple conclusion: I'm not sad. I don't like him. I started reading our old conversations on facebook and they just gross me out. Our thing was not natural, it was not unexpected, it was not exciting. It was completely awkward. So no, I'm not sad. I was not expecting to have anything else with him. All I wanted to do was to be his friend, nothing else. But of course, I just need to have that pain. I kept looking at those pictures for days and I just needed to feel something because I am supposed to feel something. A normal person would just don't even look at them, but no... I constantly need to have those things that hurt me right in front of me. I don't care about him, I could just hide his girlfriend's posts from my timeline and that's it. But I just can't. I need to know every single detail, no matter how much they can hurt me. And when they don't hurt me, I make them hurt me anyway. I find and excuse to feel some kind of pain.

I just want to be able to let things go. To go through life without caring too much. Seriously, I don't care about him. He is just not my type. But I need the pain.

Congratulations!

So Jake, the guy from Argentina, finally found someone else, and I think they are kind of dating, but I don't even care. I mean, I gotta admit that when I found out on Facebook about it I was a little bit shocked, but right now I'm happy for him. I mean, it just feels weird the fact that from now on we are gonna talk just as friends, which is actually the way I want it to be. No more flirting or anything. And it is perfectly cool to me :)

The girl is very pretty, I know her, and they make a good couple together. I feel awesome, cuz I'm not jealous. I mean, even when I don't like the guy, if I had a thing with him I tend to be pretty jealous. But this time I'm just like WHATEVER, GOOD FOR HIM. She needs a boyfriend, he needs a girlfriend, so I'm just happy for them. yayyyy no more Jake in my life. I got my wish.