Addicted to Pain

Yeah, I pretty much came to the conclusion that I'm just mentally ill. I have just soooo much trouble letting go. And sometimes, I even do it on purpose. I hold on to some things because I like the pain, it is like I enjoy it. I mean, instead of avoiding it, instead of just letting it go and saying goodbye, I keep coming back to it, and I know it's not the right thing, I know it is not good for me but I just keep doing. When I like a guy who doesn't like me back, I just stay there, instead of looking for somebody else. I stay there for months waiting for the boy to do something, and it hurts like hell, but I still stay there. Some other times, I don't even like the guy, but for some reason I still wait for him; it doesn't even hurt, but I wait for the pain to come. Maybe it is because I'm just used to cry for guys, and it became part of my routine.

If you read my blog often you might know who Jake is. The guy is now dating someone else. I always say that nothing happened between us, and it is kinda true, but no matter how much I deny it, SOMETHING DID HAPPENED, maybe not the way it was supposed to happen, but we had something until I moved to America. After that, we chatted a few times, and eventually I realized that I didn't like him, I was just used to have him around, and I really liked him as a friend. I think he never really got that, and he kept talking to me until last month, and that was actually kinda bothering me. I mean, I DIDN'T LIKE HIM. Then we just stopped talking, and in order to get rid of him, I asked some people to start flirting with him. That was not necessary, because now I find out that he is dating someone. I mean, they started dating recently. When I saw the picture of them making out, something happened inside of me. At the beginning I thought "well, you don't know what you got til it is gone right?" and I was feeling sad and weird about it. I mean, just looking at that picture of him with somebody else made me feel like there was something wrong. I never saw him with someone else until know, so it is weird. After looking at the picture around 300000 times, I came to one simple conclusion: I'm not sad. I don't like him. I started reading our old conversations on facebook and they just gross me out. Our thing was not natural, it was not unexpected, it was not exciting. It was completely awkward. So no, I'm not sad. I was not expecting to have anything else with him. All I wanted to do was to be his friend, nothing else. But of course, I just need to have that pain. I kept looking at those pictures for days and I just needed to feel something because I am supposed to feel something. A normal person would just don't even look at them, but no... I constantly need to have those things that hurt me right in front of me. I don't care about him, I could just hide his girlfriend's posts from my timeline and that's it. But I just can't. I need to know every single detail, no matter how much they can hurt me. And when they don't hurt me, I make them hurt me anyway. I find and excuse to feel some kind of pain.

I just want to be able to let things go. To go through life without caring too much. Seriously, I don't care about him. He is just not my type. But I need the pain.