It's hard to wait around for something that might never happen. But it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.

"I think scars are like battle wounds, beautiful, in a way. They show what you’ve been through and how strong you are for coming out of it" - Demi Lovato

You can take everything I have

You can break everything am

Like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper

Hiroshima In My Own House

Again with my parents. But today was more about my dad. After my mom sent me that email talking shit about him, he got REALLY upset, and talked to lawyers, to my grandmother, to everybody about how wrong my mom is. Then he came to my room, and started criticizing her. I mean, I have no words to describe how upset I am. I need to scream FUCK YOU BOTH. I need to run away and just forget about it. I tried to just let it go today, but my dad brought it up right before I was going to sleep. Now it's 12:10 pm, my eyes are all red, I wanna kill everybody, and I keep wishing I had another parents. What hurts me the most is not that they are fighting, but how immature and selfish they are being. My dad even said that mom was a bitch and that she was going to pay it with blood. I know he exaggerating and he didn't mean it that way, but the fact that he used that vocabulary just completely left me speechless. Then he also started saying that I should stay here, I shouldn't go, he started asking me questions about it, and blah blah. It was so hard for me to make the decision of going back, that I can't believe he is even making me second guess myself.

I feel lost and alone. I need my brother. I don't feel good at my dad's house, and at the same time I don't even wanna see my mom. But I can't go anywhere else, so I just wanna jump inside a black hole.

I really can't explain how I feel, because this whole thing just brings up many other things. It is just disappointment. Like now my own parents are my enemies. Like I can't even count on them. I don't even know. I don't wanna see them. Both of them disgust me. One of them sending emails, the other one screaming and talking to lawyers... man, I feel like I'm in the middle of Hiroshima and I am a Japanese civilian trying to survive the atomic bomb.

I just cannot understand how they can involve me in this. They just don't care. All they wanna do is defeat the other one. It is like the Cold War, the Soviets vs America, at some point they didn't give a shit about communism any more, all they wanted was to defeat the "enemy". And there is me, in the middle. If they could just forget about their own issues, if they could just forget about who is right for one second and focus on how I feel. My dad said "what am I supposed to do? sit and let her say whatever she want?" No daddy, you are supposed to stand up and fight until you see her bleed. Yeah, and meanwhile, I am there just looking how you hurt my mom and how she hurts you. Is that the answer I was supposed to give him? the funny thing is that they don't realize that the only way to win this battle is to stop fighting. I don't care what my dad says about my mom, and I don't care what my mom says about my dad. They can try to make me hate the other one all they want, but the more they do that, the further away they get from me. To win my respect, they just gotta stop and say "hey, let's do this for our daughter, let's forget about it, come to an arrangement, and promise to never bring things from the past back" and MOVE THE FUCK ON PEOPLE.

You already got divorced. You already moved thousands miles away from each other. You already divided my life in two. You already made me have to choose between both of you. Now do you really wanna do this to me? The problem is that I never complained about one single thing. I always accepted it and understood that they were too young and whatever. You are not young any more kiddos, so start behaving like adults please.

There is not much that I can do from here, because they involve me all the want but when I try to say something they say "just forget about it". But I know that Lucas, my brother, is watching from above. And I hope he helps me somehow. I hope he can make everything ok. I hope he can kick their buts and bring them back to reality and realize how much they are behaving like assholes. Both of them, I don't give a shit about anything else, all I know is that both of them hurt me. And I'm sure I'm gonna move on, but I will never ever forget about what they are doing to me.

See? At the end of the day all you have is yourself. 

Addicted to Pain

Yeah, I pretty much came to the conclusion that I'm just mentally ill. I have just soooo much trouble letting go. And sometimes, I even do it on purpose. I hold on to some things because I like the pain, it is like I enjoy it. I mean, instead of avoiding it, instead of just letting it go and saying goodbye, I keep coming back to it, and I know it's not the right thing, I know it is not good for me but I just keep doing. When I like a guy who doesn't like me back, I just stay there, instead of looking for somebody else. I stay there for months waiting for the boy to do something, and it hurts like hell, but I still stay there. Some other times, I don't even like the guy, but for some reason I still wait for him; it doesn't even hurt, but I wait for the pain to come. Maybe it is because I'm just used to cry for guys, and it became part of my routine.

If you read my blog often you might know who Jake is. The guy is now dating someone else. I always say that nothing happened between us, and it is kinda true, but no matter how much I deny it, SOMETHING DID HAPPENED, maybe not the way it was supposed to happen, but we had something until I moved to America. After that, we chatted a few times, and eventually I realized that I didn't like him, I was just used to have him around, and I really liked him as a friend. I think he never really got that, and he kept talking to me until last month, and that was actually kinda bothering me. I mean, I DIDN'T LIKE HIM. Then we just stopped talking, and in order to get rid of him, I asked some people to start flirting with him. That was not necessary, because now I find out that he is dating someone. I mean, they started dating recently. When I saw the picture of them making out, something happened inside of me. At the beginning I thought "well, you don't know what you got til it is gone right?" and I was feeling sad and weird about it. I mean, just looking at that picture of him with somebody else made me feel like there was something wrong. I never saw him with someone else until know, so it is weird. After looking at the picture around 300000 times, I came to one simple conclusion: I'm not sad. I don't like him. I started reading our old conversations on facebook and they just gross me out. Our thing was not natural, it was not unexpected, it was not exciting. It was completely awkward. So no, I'm not sad. I was not expecting to have anything else with him. All I wanted to do was to be his friend, nothing else. But of course, I just need to have that pain. I kept looking at those pictures for days and I just needed to feel something because I am supposed to feel something. A normal person would just don't even look at them, but no... I constantly need to have those things that hurt me right in front of me. I don't care about him, I could just hide his girlfriend's posts from my timeline and that's it. But I just can't. I need to know every single detail, no matter how much they can hurt me. And when they don't hurt me, I make them hurt me anyway. I find and excuse to feel some kind of pain.

I just want to be able to let things go. To go through life without caring too much. Seriously, I don't care about him. He is just not my type. But I need the pain.