Empty

Sometimes I feel empty; like nothing makes sense, nothing makes me happy, nothing motivates me anymore. I feel like I am walking the wrong way, and heading in the wrong direction. Like I am not where I am supposed to be, and it is my fault. Like this happened the way it was not supposed to happened, and I could not deal with it. I am what I always feared I was going to become. I though I could be stronger and wiser and braver, but I am not; I am just weak, like almost everybody else. I became what they said I was going to become. I fell and I could not stand up. I failed and I did not know how to fix the mistake.

I am lost and confused, and I don't know what to choose. I feel like I got caught up in my fantasies and dreams, without realizing that reality was right in front of me. I feel like I am nothing. I feel like I'm not worth it. Life gave me what I always wanted, and I could not find happiness in it, because that's who I am: I seek happiness in other places, instead of in what I have. I can never get enough. I don't even know what I want. I dreamed too much, and I did not make any of those dreams happen. And now, like a coward and lost girl, I am going back, even if it is not really what I want. Because the main problem is that I don't know what I want anymore, where I wanna be, what I wanna do, or who I want to become. I got lost, and I don't know how to get back in track. I feel like I am never going to make it, like I am going to fail because I am not special or important.

I cannot find happiness. I don't want to live in New Jersey, but at the same time I don't want to leave. I don't want to go back to Argentina, but at the same time I want to get my old life back. I just don't know what I'm doing. I can't find reasons, I can't find something to fill me with joy. I went to Manhattan today, thinking I was going to remember what dreaming feels like, and I did not feel anything. I felt even worse, because I realized that things are not going the way I wanted them to happen, and that I am never going to make it there. Life is just hard. And I feel empty. Like I have nothing, I know nothing, just... NOTHING. That's I feel. 

I want something different from what I have. I look at planes in the sky, wondering where that plane is going, thinking that maybe is going to the place where I will find what I'm looking for, even if I don't know what that is. And that's my biggest issue: I'm wasting time in this search, without even knowing what I am looking for. My life is based upon invisible things: I am in love with a guy I don't even know, I want to go to a place I've never been, I want to be something I am not, I want to do the things I can't, and I dream with things I don't even understand. So how can I be happy? How can I be happy with just fantasies and dreams and wishes? For years I've been living inside a world made of  broken promises, wishes that were never made, dreams that never came true, people that never knew me, lies that were never true, stories that were never told, places that were far away, and broken hearts. 

And now I'm here, LOST. Trying to figure out what the hell I am supposed to do in this life. Trying to find my place in the world, because so far, I feel like a tourist, like an Alien from another planet. Trying to understand why I am here, why I met the people I met, why I fell in love with the guys I fell in love with, why I dreamed with the things I dreamed... why. I am trying to find the reasons why my life is what it is. I need to understand what I came here to do. Why certain things happened the way they happened. Why I am here, writing this, breathing, alive. How did I get to be so lonely, and so confused. And why am I so unhappy if I have everything.

I need something else. And when I realize that there is something empty in my life, I try millions of things to fill that space with something: clothing, shoes, songs on iTunes, posts on this blog, more friends, pictures, etc etc. But that emptiness is still there, it just doesn't leave.

An Exchange Student On Glee

Finally Damian McGinty arrived to Glee. My favorite contender of the Glee Project, that kid from Ireland with that amazing accent is finally on my favorite TV Show. And you have no idea how excited I was when he said that he was an foreign exchange student from Ireland, and when nobody could understand his accent, and when he felt lonely with no friends... I felt like Ryan Murphy finally created the perfect character for me.

In one scene he says something about loving America, and how he thought that everybody was unique and friendly, how people could easily accept some other individuals that are completely different. I thought the same thing, and I came to a place where people have no idea that there is a world out there, and that just because we have an accent or we grew up in a different country, does not mean that we are losers.

Today I saw myself on Glee, portrayed by Damian McGinty, and I really felt understood.

Now I hope fans of Glee can see how we, the exchange students from other countries, feel when we walk in those hallways, being pushed away by the rest of the students, and with the desire of being a  part of something.

Frankenstein

So I was reading Frankenstein for school. Actually, I was Spark-noting it (if you are American you probably know what SparkNotes is - best website ever). So anyway, I was reading the summary and the analysis and I felt really interested about the story.

It's about this crazy scientist, Victor Frankenstein, who loves nature and who wants to discover all of the misteries about life and death. While he is in college, he decides to create a creature, but it doesn't come up the way he expected it to be. This thing looks like a monster and it is really ugly, so Victor decides to leave it there and walk away. He practically abandons the creature because it is just different from him. The poor creature is left alone, and as time goes by he learns to speak and read, and he starts to understand the world and the society where he lives. People run away from him, and nobody likes him because he is just different. Nobody takes the time to actually get to know him. He tries to make friends, but nobody is brave enough to look beyond his face and discover that he is actually a really good person. This makes him hate everybody, specially Victor, who created him and left him alone. He compares himself to some Bible characters, such as God, Adam, and specially Satan. He starts killing everybody related to his creator, and when he finally meets him, he asks him to create a female version of himself, just as ugly as him, so they can run away to South America and live together in the jungle where nobody else is gonna judge them. Victor accepts to do that, but then he regrets it because he realizes that they can have kids and create a whole new "specie of evil" in the world. The creature gets really upset and ends up killing everybody in Victor's life until there's nobody else. At the same time, Victor's guilt for creating such a thing and for letting it kill everybody, makes him weaker and crazier, so at the end he is left alone just like he left the creature he created. He starts feeling the same way the monster felt, and he starts looking for it to take revenge. At the end of the book, he ends up being the monster he thought the creature was.

My point is how society just leaves people alone because they are different. Victor was the one that made the mistake and he just didn't take responsibility for it. The only thing that the creature wanted was to have a friend, to have someone that cared about him, and someone to lean on whenever he needed a hand, just like Victor had his friends, Elizabeth and Henry.

I think we can all feel a little bit related to the creature. Sometimes we are left alone, sometimes we are judged by society, sometimes we just want to have a friend, and nobody is willing to let us in. We can be the most popular kid in school, and we are still gonna be judged, we are still gonna be alone sometimes.

What I like the most about this book is the title. I mean, when we think of the word "Frankenstein" we think of a monster who wants to kill everybody, and we instantly believe that Frankenstein is that monster. In reality, Frankenstein is the creator, Victor, that's his name. He is the real monster. He is the first one to judge the creature, the first one to leave him alone...

So from now on, don't try to be a monster like Frankenstein... just accept that people can be different. We are all different...

If you wanna watch a 8 minute video about the story go here:

http://www.sparknotes.com/sparknotes/video/frankenstein