Understand

It was a weird day.

It all started last night. My dad hates it when I stay until 3 am with the computer chatting with my friends on the weekends. I have no idea why, because he does the same thing, but he hates it. He always tries to catch me with the computer, but he always fails lol. Anyway, so last night, it was like 3, I was awake, but I was not with the computer. In fact, I was dancing by myself and rapping Super Bass by Nicki Minaj (I know, I'm weird). He came into the room and found the computer on my bed and I was dancing, but of course I could not explain him the situation because it was hard to believe that I was actually dancing and rapping in the darkness at 3 am.

Today I woke up and he was extremely upset by the fact that I was with the computer that late, and when I tried to explain him that I was not with the computer, that I was actually dancing, he got even more upset because he thought I was lying. He asked me like 3 times, and I told him the truth, but he kept on thinking that I was lying. At the end I ended up saying that I was with the computer because he was like "how can you lie to myself?!?! Blah blah", so he pushed me to lie, which is ironic, because he was angry at me because I was lying, when the truth is that he made me lie, but whatever. (I actually prefer him to think that I was with the computer instead of knowing that I usually dance by myself in the darkness at 3 am, I mean, only weirdos like me do that)

The point is that he was really upset and started screaming at me saying that I was a liar and this and that and blah blah blah. It makes me sad and upset that both of my parents judge me all the time. They complain at my actions forgetting that I'm freakin 16 years old. I have a lot of reasons to judge them and complain about their actions: they were 21 when they had me, they got divorced 3 years later, and then my dad moved to the other side of the world. I know they love me, I know they always did their  best, and that it was really hard. But I spent father's day without a father for 15 years and I never complained, I never said anything. I don't know what it is like to spend Christmas with both of my parents because they got divorced when I was really young, and I never fucking complained about it. I tried to understand my whole life that things were meant to be like that. I tried to be mature and understand why they did what they did. I never judged them. But all they seem to do is just tell me how messed up I am. But HELLO, what the fuck do you expect? I grew up with no siblings, my mom was a doctor who had to sleep in the hospital like twice a week, my dad was in the other side of the hemisphere... I mean, I did not have a normal childhood like my sisters have, and I'm not upset, I'm not angry at them. I UNDERSTAND as long as they understand me. They always say that I'm not very affectionate, but that's they way I grew up. I was alone, I had to be independent. I mean, I know that I make mistakes, I know that I'm not the perfect child, but sometimes I feel like if they could have gave me a different life then I wouldn't be like that. I try not to judge them. My dad never told his wife about my little brother who passed away, and do I judge him? Do I tell him he is a liar? Do I tell him he is not respectable for doing that? No, like I said, I try to understand my parents all the time. I shut my mouth and keep going, without telling them everything I wish they wouldn't have done. They are not perfect parents either, I love them, but I was first child, they were 21, they did not know how to raise a kid, I mean, they obviously didn't even know how to use condoms. But I try to believe that they did the best they could, and I'm beyond grateful for that. Even though they were not together, even though I grew up without a father, even though my dad never called me once a week like he was supposed to, even though they couldn't help me with homework sometimes, I love them and I don't judge them. But the moment where they pretend to be extremely upset with over a fucking stupid thing, I can't help it to remember everything that I would like to blame them for, but I just don't do it. Sometimes I feel like in some things I'm even a little bit more mature than my parents. I know I make mistakes, I know I mess everything up sometimes, but I'm a teenager, they forget that.

My mom actually doesn't have anything to do with this. She was the one that raised me and she's like my hero because I admire everything she did. On the other hand, I know everything my dad did was also for me, and I admire that too. But I feel like sometimes they have no rights to blame me so much for some stuff, specially my dad. I used to see him only once or twice a year. But again, I understand the circumstances. It was not his fault. But like he said the other day, "life is about the choices you make", and he made the choice that didn't really make my life better. Not just because I grew up without him, but because now I'm gonna be far away from my sisters when I go back. He came here trying to get married again, have kids, and have a family, so he could start all over. Too bad that whole thing didn't really include me until I moved here. I know he couldn't bring me here because I obviously had to live with my mom, which is what I wanted, but he never thought about all of the things that I was not gonna have in my life without him. Even now that I'm living here, our relationship is not the kind of relationship that a father and daughter should have. But let me repeat it one more time: I get it, I understand why things are like that, and I don't blame him or anybody else.

All I'm saying is... just don't tell me I hurt you by saying I was not in the computer last night, when you actions hurt me even more throughout my life, and I still don't blame you.