Obama: Chicago Rules (a primer)

Dear Leader and friends play by the rules. They're simply a different set of rules than the rest of us are expected to play by. 

 

(Rule 1) Never offer a vote or a political office for sale on the telephone. That's what restaurants are for. Loud ones. That dovetails with (Rule 1.1). Make sure the person offering to sell a vote or buy a vote isn't wired. With the current split spectrum technology, that can be a challenge but it goes with the business.

(Rule 2) Make sure any payments are in small denomination bills delivered in a suitcase by somebody they can trust. An SEIU bagman is a great option. You can also donate the money to ACORN, take it as a tax deduction and they'll get the money wherever it needs to go. They're hooked in with everyone.

(Rule 3) Sell your vote to several competing interests so there is no conflict of interest. Who is going to rat you out in that event? They're all dirty.

(Rule 4) How much will the buying party gain from your vote? Make sure you appropriately value your vote. Get at least 10%.

If you plan on getting elected in Chicago, you likewise must play by Chicago Rules. These rules were explained to Dear Leader and Rahm Emanuel by Mayor Richard Dailey, known for his multi-generational understanding of Chicago Rules. This is reputed to be an excerpt of the memo Dear Leader received from Mayor Dailey when he began his first run for the Illinois State Assembly:

1. Cemetery Voters: Read the obituaries every day. You must keep track of everyone who dies, so that they can be registered in the appropriate cemetery precinct. We have voters in the Mt. Olive Cemetery who have been voting for 100 years. Relatives will often assist as keeping the dead voter on the rolls also keeps the Social Security checks coming in. If you know of someone who used to live in Chicago and who died, they are still eligible to vote.

2. Homeless Voters: Have ACORN register the homeless at the Cook County Courthouse instead of General Delivery. All they have to do is hang out at the courthouse one day a year to claim residency. Then round them up and give them free cigarettes to vote. We used to give them bottles of wine, but they couldn't remember to vote our way.

3. Nursing Home Voters: Early (or absentee) voting has greatly expanded our capabilities of increasing the turnout. Have the gang from SEIU take bags full of early ballots to nursing homes, and get everyone in the home to vote...especially the Alzheimer's cases.

4. College Students: College kids like to screw the system, and they'll vote more than once just for the sheer pleasure of it, especially kids at Catholic universities.

5. Voters Who Have Moved: Voters who have moved often can vote in the precinct where they used to live, and then in their new precinct. They will not be on the rolls in the new precinct, so they'll vote a "Questioned Ballot". Not to worry. When the ballot is questioned after the election, we will have our political hacks permit the votes to be counted.

6. Voters Passing Through O'Hare: Many votes can be obtained by soliciting voter registration at our airports. They are legally residents of Chicago, at least for a few minutes. 

7. Motor Voters: Have Chicago PD take license plate numbers of out-of-state cars passing through on the freeways, run them through DMV to get their addresses, and automatically register them in Chicago. Then vote them. They won't know, since they actually live in Wyoming.

8. Illegal Aliens: Some of our most reliable voters are the thousands of illegal aliens we have in the city. In exchange for not telling INS where they live or work, one can get a solid block of votes.

9. Newborns: Our children are more and more precocious, so we register them at birth. Maternity wards are some of our best precincts.

10.Recount The Votes: In the unlikely event our candidates don't win the first count, then demand a recount. Fill the recount room with loyal supporters, and tow away the cars belonging to the enemy. If you can't win a recount, then you are not worthy to be a Chicago Democrat.